'AITA for telling the bride a day after her wedding that we aren't best friends?' UPDATED

"AITA for telling the bride a day after her wedding that we aren't best friends?"

Me (26 F) and my former best friend Jean (23 F) met 8 years ago. From a young age, we were good friends, doing everything together, supporting each other through ups and downs. Three years ago, she met her partner (29M), and they fell in love. Initially, we weren't fond of him, but he gradually became part of our group.

Six months ago, her partner proposed, and despite concerns about the timing, everyone was happy for her. When the preparations for the wedding began, everyone was ready to help, even a mutual friend of ours who was planning their own wedding wanted to help.

A month ago we asked her who would be in her and her partner's bridal party because the wedding was near and there were still many things to do, (there are things only the groomsmen and bridesmaids can do in our culture). Her answer surprised us all.

Me: So have you chosen groomsmen yet? The wedding is near and we have not received an update on who the groomsmen are. She: Yes, I chose two bridesmaids.

Me: Cool, who are they? She: Ruth and Elizabeth. Me: Which Ruth? Dean's ex?

She: Yes, since they broke up we became very close. Me: They broke up a month ago, how did you become such good friends, you couldn't stand each other.

Her: True, but since the breakup we have become very close and she comes to me every day. Me: Ok, and who is the other one? She: The second one is someone from work that I have known for a year.

Everyone was surprised but we respected her decision. During all the preparations for the wedding, she did not share anything with any of her close friends.

A week before the wedding, she calls me and tells me: the bridesmaids I chose blew me off because I gossiped about them.

Me: Sorry to hear how can I help? She: Do you know drivers for hire?

Now me and her other friends don't care to help, but when she decided that she would rather spend money on drivers (none of the friends drink alcohol) instead of asking us, a lot of people were hurt, including me.

The morning of the wedding she was under so much stress from everything that happened with the bridesmaids, so she called me and asked me to come quickly because she needs help and there is no one to help her.

In response I said, "I can't leave my job early because she needs me, and it's not my job to do something that you're asking me to do last minute. I was only invited as a guest, and asking to leave work because of something like this would not be considerate of the rest of my team."

When the ceremony started everyone expected me to be there for the bride, and to try to make her life easier by doing the bridesmaids' tasks (which, once again I wasn't asked to be part of the bridal party). Eventually, I succumbed to the pressure and took over the responsibilities.

The day after the wedding she sent me a thank you letter, where she said that I am her best friend. This made me upset, I responded to her by saying, unfortunately after she decided to throw away our many years of friendship for two people she knew for a year we are no longer best friends.

Now all the people around me tell me that AITA, am I?

Clarification: In our culture being a bridesmaids is something big and a statement that says these people are the people I trust the most and have always been there for me in all moments .

OP responded to some comments:

Historical_Agent_9426 says:

NTA (Not the A%*hole). Where were her bridesmaids?

OP responded:

Elizabeth said she didn't want to get up early to be with the bride. Ruth took advantage of a situation to fight with Jean, and not to be the bridesmaid (of course she came to the wedding as a guest).

nemc222 says:

They had dated for three years. Why did your group think the proposal was “too early and they hadn't thought about it deeply”?

OP responded:

The reason for this is because all our friends knew that they were in debt and that they didn't have the money for the wedding. They would go out every night to eat at restaurants or order food at home, they would buy expensive items without thinking about the price, etc.

Three months before the wedding they also rented an apartment together (they used to live with their parents before) and we as her good friends told her that right now the wedding is nothing to stress about and that they can wait until they get out of the debt they are in.

PouletChook says:

Do family and others know what happened?

OP says:

Her family only saw on the wedding day that she has no bridesmaids and call me and ask me why I'm not there. I explained to them that she did not choose me as a bridesmaid, these are two different people and when they asked me why I told them that it was the bride's choice.

DonSimon76 says:

I'd say NTA (Not the A%#hole). It sounds like we are from very different cultures but she acted badly no matter what the culture. You stepped up and took care of tasks for her when you were relegated to just another guest. That was the respectable thing to do.

BeachinLife1 says:

Apparently you are only "best of friends" when she desperately needs someone and there's "no one else around to help her." NTA, you are not best of friends, and there's nothing wrong with telling her that.

Over a year and a half later OP posted this update:

Sorry it took me some time to update — I just wanted to wait until I had all the facts straight.

After the wedding, I distanced myself from the group and stayed in touch with only one friend (not Jean). A few months later, Jean messaged me and said she wanted to meet because she had something important to tell me.

When we met, what she told me truly broke me.

A few years ago, two girls joined our group — let’s call them Julie and Gina. They told everyone in the group that if I was invited to an event, they wouldn’t come. They also said no one should come up to their apartment with me, or include me in concert tickets or activity planning.

Why? Because their parents had a bad experience with someone from the same background as mine, and asked them not to be around “people like me.”

The whole group knew. And no one told me. Only one person — my best friend at the time — cut contact with them over it.

For three years, I drove people to events, helped them move, supported them — while some of them couldn’t even stand me.

I asked Jean if anyone at least stood up and said I’m a quiet, good student, who doesn’t touch alcohol or drugs. She said no. I asked why. She said: “Because it was their parents’ request.”

I told her I needed time to think and didn’t want to say things I’d regret, so I left the meeting.

Later that day, I messaged the group asking about it. Most stayed silent. One said, “It was their parents’ wish, and we respected it.” As if we’re 12 years old.

Someone from work told me that almost everyone knew the truth. Jean only told me now because she got into a fight with the girls — not because she felt bad.

I told Jean our friendship could never be the same.

Then the phone calls started — dozens of them — from her parents, my parents, mutual friends. They said I was being cruel, that I wasn’t forgiving, and how could I abandon my “best friend.”

Turns out Jean had told them a different story — that I was still upset about not being a bridesmaid. So I told her parents the full story. A few days later, they called me back and said they got the truth from her.

And they told me the reason I wasn’t chosen as a bridesmaid: Julie and Gina told her that Ruth is a “true friend,” and I’m not, because I’m always busy studying and not helping like Ruth does. And Jean believed them.

I said thanks for the honesty and hung up.

Then I messaged the group and said I know the truth, and I’m not staying in a group that stays quiet in the face of discrimination — and I left.

Now they’re trying to come back. Saying the two girls are no longer part of the group, that they’re truly sorry, and that we should “move on.”

But for me? It’s too late. Tomorrow I have a meeting with my only remaining best friend to hear the whole story. It turned out there were more things I didn't know. I'll update after the meeting.