'AITA for sending my dad into a terrible depression after I was honest with him?'
"AITA for telling my dad and his fiancée how I really feel?"
throwRA-Pasta-Error writes:
I (18M) am an only child. I live with my mom full-time. My parents are divorced.
Some quick context: during my entire life, my mom always picked up after me and my dad. They both worked full-time, but my mom handled breakfast, lunch, dinner, groceries, cleaning, laundry. What did my dad do? Mow the lawn, shovel snow, fix things like the sink if it ever broke.
When I was younger, I always loved my dad because he would do fun things with me. Take me to sports games, play with me in the yard sometimes, buy me McDonald’s or ice cream. He was the fun parent, and my mom was the caring one. She always made me food, helped me in school, packed my bags, comforted me when I was sad, and took care of me when I was sick.
When I got older, I started to realize more and more how much my mom did while my dad would sit on the couch and watch TV or stuff like that. My mom asked me when I was quite young to help her out with cleaning, and I remember I would get mad at her when she asked.
I didn’t want to clean. Who does? But one day after she got annoyed that I didn’t even pick up after myself, I yelled at her to leave me alone. I was probably like 12, and that day I heard her cry in the bathroom afterward. When I realized I made her cry, it clicked in my head that she was doing everything for us and dad did barely anything.
And I did absolutely nothing at all. It felt like I grew up super quickly over the course of a week, and I started helping my mom a lot more. It became a bonding thing for us, talking and helping each other out with cleaning and groceries.
My dad was still like the fun parent, would take me to games and all that, but I grew more and more annoyed that he didn’t help out at all. I think when I was like 14, I once said to his face that he never helps out around the house, and he got furious with me. Yelled in my face and sent me to my room.
My mom comforted me and told me to just "let him be, you and I got this alone anyway." The few times he was dragged into helping, he would always make a mess somehow, and it would end in an argument between him and mom. I've realized now he most likely did a bad job on purpose so we wouldn't ask him for help.
When I was 15, mom found out that dad cheated. He had been for like a year. They had the biggest fight ever, and my dad left us that night to live with his mistress and her daughter from a previous marriage. He came a few days after and picked most of his stuff up. I don't remember much about how the divorce went, other than my mom being a wreck.
When it was finalized, she honestly broke down even more. I fed her, helped her into the shower, held her at night. I've never seen her that bad, and if I didn’t already hate my dad for what he had done in general, I started absolutely despising him for what he did to mom. Family from mom’s side would help us too, but it was mostly me since no one could really move in and stay with us full-time.
I picked up a job at 16 to help at home. It took my mom maybe half a year to start going back to her old self. She grew up to be better, happier, and I had never seen her so full of life when she was with dad. A month or two after the divorce was over, my dad started pushing for me to live with him 50 percent of the time.
I told him to f*^k off basically, but mom said I shouldn't shut him out completely. So I went to him every other weekend. He tried to be all nice to me, and so did his mistress, but I hated their guts. The mistress (let’s call her Hannah) tried to be nice to me but also boss me around, and I basically ignored her.
She has a daughter from a previous marriage who tried to bond with me, but I ignored her. Barely even a year after the divorce was over, Hannah got pregnant, and they had another daughter. Dad and Hannah have tried to push for me to be a big brother for them, but I couldn’t care about them less.
Now I’m 18, and I gradually stopped going to my dad’s. I barely ever stay a night. I just visit, and my dad keeps trying to blame my mom for it. Hannah gives me more and more attitude and tries to use her daughters to guilt me into staying over, saying “they miss their big brother, you’re so selfish.”
We had a big confrontation when I visited last. I stayed for 20 minutes before Hannah started trying to lecture me, so I just started leaving. Dad blocked my way and told me I have to grow up and "leave the past in the past." He said I can't be mad forever and I’m acting as if I don’t love him and we’re all family.
That just set me off. I started screaming at him that I haven't loved him in years. I told him that he was always a lazy POS who acted more like a child than a husband to mom. She always cleaned up after him, cleaned the house alone, washed his clothes, made him food, fetched him another beer even though the kitchen was five steps away.
But all that ever came out of his mouth were complaints and demands. I told him he took me out to do fun things, sure, but that’s not all there is to being a dad. He was never there for me, never helped me in school, never drove me anywhere or picked me up, never comforted me. And then he did the worst possible thing.
After years of standing on my mother’s back and using her, he went and f&%#ed a random woman and absolutely broke her. I screamed about how a kid had to pick up the pieces of his own mother because his father was such a POS and useless garbage. I felt nothing for him, in fact I hated his guts still, and I hated his mistress too.
I turned to Hannah and told her that she means nothing to me, she has no authority over me, I don’t give a s^%t about her or her kids. I told them both I wish nothing bad on their daughters, but Hannah is a horrible person for filling her kids’ heads with lies about how I’m their brother when I’ve repeatedly told them I’m not.
Then I looked my dad in the eyes and said “my father died to me years ago, and that man wasn’t even a good dad. You’re just a stranger to me.” I pushed my way past him and left. When I got home, I told my mom everything and cried. She hugged me and told me she understands my emotions but wishes I wasn’t so aggressive, for my own sake.
My mom has never said a bad thing about my dad despite everything, and when I would curse him out, she always told me it wasn’t worth it. My dad and his new family were silent for a few days, but then Hannah started bombarding me with texts about how I was a horrible son and how my dad hasn’t stopped crying since.
I know he always wanted a son and wanted a close bond, but he’s failed me as a father and I don’t care. But family from Hannah’s side, who I’ve met like once or not at all, have also started messaging me saying I was out of line and everyone makes mistakes.
But I don’t think it’s a mistake. I genuinely think my dad’s a POS and I don’t owe him anything. But I guess all the hate from so many people has me doubting myself. Maybe I should have just left without a word. So yeah, AITA?
OP posted an update a day later.
I wrote out a long text to my dad that looks like this: "Hey Dad, I know what I said yesterday was very harsh, but I’m not apologizing for it. Growing up, you made it clear what a partner and husband should not be. Even though Mom and you worked the same hours, you were always entitled to your alone time and your rest, while she was left to pick up after the whole family.
I realized at a young age that Mom needed help, and every time I picked up your old socks or put your dishes away, I got more and more annoyed at what a lazy POS you are. A 12-year-old did more housework than his father. Let that sink in.
You went and did fun things with me. I acknowledge and did appreciate that. But that’s not all there is to being a parent. I needed you other times, when I was sick, sad, stressed, needed help with homework, or even just needed to talk.
I know you always wanted a good father and son bond, but we never actually talked. Not small talk. Proper conversations. I honestly feel like you don’t even know who I truly am. But when I came to you with anything, you told me to go to Mom because "you had a long day at work."
I hope for your new daughters’ sake that you start picking up your own s^*t. I can’t stand Hannah, but I somehow also hope she doesn’t get stuck in the loop of scrubbing your back and holding your spoon when you eat, never allowed to ask for a favor or take a rest.
You need to tell her to get her family to stop harassing me about this, or I’m blocking you all, you included. Hannah has no authority over me, and I have no respect for her because she slept with a married man. She is also not entitled to a relationship with me. I’ve always tried to be polite but not welcoming, because I don’t see her as anything other than your mistress.
She needs to get that through her head. And like I said, I will NEVER wish anything bad onto her daughters, but I am NOT their family. You filling their heads with that BS is only causing them harm. Get that through your head.
If you’re unhappy in your marriage, you either try to work it out, go to therapy, or split on whatever terms. You don’t cheat on your partner like a scumbag. It doesn’t matter how you felt about Hannah and Mom at the time. You should have split with Mom before pursuing Hannah. I’m f*&^ing 18 years old, and even I know that.
If the texts don’t stop today, I’m blocking every last one of you. I’m already blocking Hannah’s family, but I’m keeping you and her unblocked for whatever reason. This is not me forgiving you. Don’t think we can work through this. Because we can’t.
I’m not visiting you for a while, and if I ever want to again, it will be on my terms. This is not up for negotiation. And again, if you try to pressure me or guilt-trip me, I will literally just never speak to you again.
I hope you go to therapy and get fully torn down so you can build yourself up to be someone worthy of respect. Because right now, you’re not. Now leave me alone." After like three or four hours, Dad responded, “I understand,” and nothing else.
The random texts have stopped. I don’t know. I sort of feel free but also sad. I’m not burning the bridge fully, but I’m also done with their BS. So yeah, that’s where I stand right now. Thanks for listening.
Here are the top comments.
Ok-Midnight-2086 says:
You’re doing what’s right for you, NTA and I’m proud of you.
Tall_Hospital1071 says:
Honestly OP the way you were able to articulate your feelings and thoughts so clearly and handle all this situation while being freshly 18 is impressive! You showed more maturity than both adults , your cheating father and his homewrecker of wife!
GodivaPlaistow says:
You can't hear me but I'm applauding right now. That was honest and perfect. My very best wishes to you and your mom.
different-take4u says:
Your mom did an excellent job of raising a good human being!