'AITA for telling my parents that they can't use me to replace the son that they lost?'
"AITA for telling my parents that I am not their son and they need to let go?"
RealizeRealityCas writes:
My parents had four kids before me (19M): my older brother and three older sisters. My older brother died when he was 14, before I was born. His death is what prompted my parents to have me. They were lost in grief and tried to bring him back through me. In other words, they had another child and wanted that child, me, to be my brother.
My sisters were all old enough to remember him. They could see what our parents were doing, and they didn’t like it. I look a lot like him, except for our eyes. He had brown eyes, and I have blue. That’s the only noticeable physical difference, but it made things worse with my parents.
There were times when they were very loving and focused on me, but as soon as the illusion that I was him broke, they became distant and cold. My sisters were always cold. They told me I would never be their brother, that I wasn’t him. I already knew that. I never thought I was him, but there was a lot of anger and resentment aimed at me because they hated that our parents were trying to replace him.
People at school asked questions about my name, how I dressed, and how my hair was styled. My parents named me after him, put me in his old clothes, and made me keep my hair a certain length. When I was 13, I shaved it all off to try to become myself instead of him.
By that time, my sisters had all moved out and only visited occasionally. My parents never acknowledged their resentment or rejection. Whenever I tried to bring it up, they would shut down and say that wasn’t something my brother would have done.
I experienced educational neglect too. I have two learning disabilities, but my brother didn’t, so my parents refused to accept that I had any. I never got very far in school. I also kept friends away from my house because it was too confusing and emotionally overwhelming.
When I was younger, birthday parties were difficult because my parents’ obvious grief and mental health issues made everything tense, especially around other adults. I had to answer a lot of uncomfortable questions.
There were times when people told my parents I wasn’t their son and that I was a different person. Most of those people eventually gave up and walked out of our lives. I mostly remember it being their friends. I don’t even know if we have extended family or if my parents came from big or small families.
The last few years I lived at home were the worst, especially because of the constant flip-flopping. They would spend months convinced I was him, and then months completely ignoring me. During the lockdown, it got especially bad. When I turned 18, my girlfriend’s parents let me move in with them, and that’s where I’ve been ever since.
I didn’t speak to my parents for over a year. I reached out to my sisters, but they made it clear they didn’t want me in their lives and didn’t see me as their brother. I’m still working on making peace with that. As painful as it is, I don’t blame them. I’m not even sure I blame my parents, but part of me probably does.
Eventually, after a long stretch of silence, my parents reached out again. They said they didn’t understand why I left and begged me to come home. They told me they needed their son back. Instead of replying by phone or text, I went to see them in person. I told them face to face that I’m not their son. I’m not Cas.
I can’t ever be him. I don’t think a relationship between us will ever be healthy, and they need to let go and accept that I’m not him. I said it that way because they never saw me as myself, only as him.
Right after I said it, they both broke down. I had to leave. A few days later, one of my sisters messaged me to say congratulations for screwing up her parents even more. That wasn’t what I wanted. But I didn’t know how else to handle it. AITA?
People responded to OP's post.
Collussus96 says:
NTA. You did not "f^#k up' your parents even more. They did that themselves without your aid. The peanut gallery, 'your sister' who DM'd you should keep her nose out of it since she doesn't see you as your brother and doesn't want contact with you. I'd tell her that before blocking her. With a family like yours, who the hell needs enemies?
scrotalsac69 says:
100% NTA None of this is in anyway your fault. Your parents clearly need and needed a lot of help to deal with their issues, but none of that is your responsibility. Your "sister" is a pos for her comments. Tell her to f off and get on with your life in peace. If you can block the lot of them as unfortunately, they only want you as a punch bag.
CuteTravel770 says:
You’re definitely NTA. You put a much-needed mirror in front of your parents to reflect their obsession with an idealized version of their son. You called them out for not seeing you, just a projection of their grief. Good for you.
tiltingatwindmills15 says:
No. Can't imagine what any of your family has been through. But you being an a^#$ole is not even a question you should be asking.