'AITA for taking a job that conflicted with my best friend's demanding wedding?' MAJOR UPDATE

"AITA for taking a job that conflicted with my best friend's wedding after he refused to compromise on unreasonable demands?"

My best friend got engaged about a year ago and asked me to be a groomsman. I said yes immediately because that’s what you do. We’ve known each other since middle school, and I was genuinely excited.

But once the planning started, things got strange. His fiancée, who I’ve never been particularly close with, began making a lot of demands about what the groomsmen needed to do. There were custom shirts, specific haircuts, a mandatory bachelor party at a location she chose, and financial contributions to things I never agreed to. It was getting expensive and, honestly, a little controlling.

I mentioned to my friend that some of it seemed excessive. I understood wanting the wedding to look nice, but requiring specific haircuts felt over the line. He brushed it off, saying, “It’s not that big a deal, come on,” and shut down the conversation. That’s when I started pulling back emotionally from the whole thing.

Fast forward to about three months before the wedding. I got a new job offer that required me to relocate for two weeks of training right before the wedding. I told him immediately and said I’d try to reschedule or work something out.

He got upset and said I was abandoning him, that real friends would turn down the job. I reminded him that I needed to build my career and that I still planned to be there for the wedding.

Here’s the thing, though. I could have tried harder to reschedule. I didn’t push back much with my new employer because, honestly, I was tired of all the wedding stress by that point. I think, deep down, I wanted an excuse to step back.

His fiancée told him the timing was “suspicious” and that I was being selfish. My friend said I was either fully committed or not committed at all. I ended up keeping the job training and told him I’d only make it back the day before the wedding. That meant I couldn’t attend the rehearsal dinner or bachelor party.

He said that was unacceptable and told me that if I couldn’t be there for everything, then I shouldn’t be in the wedding at all. So I was dropped as a groomsman about a week before the wedding. I was upset, but also a bit relieved, which probably says something about how I felt the whole time.

Now, a few months later, he’s still angry. He says I chose a job over my best friend. I say he chose his fiancée’s demands over our friendship. Our mutual friends are split. Some think I should have turned down the job, while others think the wedding expectations were unreasonable and that he was being too controlling.

I know I could have handled things better. I could have been more honest about how uncomfortable I was instead of pulling away. And yes, I probably could have tried harder to make the job situation work. But he also could have been more understanding and flexible about what he was asking of me. Am I the one in the wrong?

OP posted an update the same day.

Things have gotten worse, not better. I decided to call him instead of waiting until next week, thinking maybe we could actually talk things through. He answered but seemed cold right away. I started by apologizing for checking out and not being honest about how stressed the wedding planning had made me. I thought that might help open up the conversation.

Instead, he said, “Yeah, well, you’ve been posting about this online, haven’t you?” His wife apparently saw a thread that sounded like it could be about them and showed it to him. Now he’s furious. He accused me of airing our private issues online and trying to make him and his wife look bad.

I honestly don’t know how she found it. The post had only been up for about an hour before I called him. I used a throwaway account and avoided any obvious details that could identify us. But either she recognized something or someone in our friend group told them. Either way, it feels like a huge violation.

I tried to explain that I kept it vague and just needed a place to vent, but he wasn’t listening. He said that if I was willing to post about our friendship online, then I clearly didn’t value it. He told me not to contact him again and blocked me on everything.

His wife also texted some of the other groomsmen, claiming I was “talking badly” about them online, which isn’t great for my reputation in our friend group. So yeah, the opposite of reconciliation happened. I’m frustrated because I came to here to process my feelings, and now it’s completely destroyed what was left of our friendship. I don’t know if I should have told him about it or just kept it to myself. I genuinely don’t know what to do now.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Regular_Giraffe_1879 says:

Reality check for all the brides and grooms out there, your wedding is nothing more than a PARTY. If you are literally asking people's lives to revolve around a PARTY, you are taking things way to far.

Asking people to alter their appearance or not take a job for your party is insane. OP is better of without "friends" like this. Also, just saw the update. I am sorry for OP. You seem like a reasonable sweet person. You did nothing wrong. The bride and groom trashed a, friendship for a deluded princess fantasy.

Brief_Course6640 says:

NTA. But you probably weren’t going to be seeing this friend until he gets divorced, if his wife doesn’t like you, and he seems to go along with her, your friendship was doomed before the job came into it. Better that you invest in the job, it has more of a future than your friendship anyway.

EndielXenon says:

NTA. People who are super uptight and controlling about having the "perfect wedding" are always going to end up frustrated, angry, and disappointed, because something will go wrong. A true friend would have been cheering you on in your new job, rather than asking you to sacrifice your own future to make them feel better for a day.

stiiii says:

NTA. Anyone who says you should have turned down the job just isn't a real adult. Like come on guys.

What do you think?