'AITA for taking a wedding gift back after I found out the couple was using me for my money?' UPDATED
"AITA for taking back a wedding gift I promised to the bride and groom after overhearing a conversation?"
OP writes:
I, 29 female, have been in a friend group of six people, including the couple (30 female and 31 male), since we all went to law school a little while ago. We all live in the same city and regularly hang out and go to lunch together, and it's always a good time.
Now, to be frank, I normally pay for everyone in attendance at our get-togethers. I make well over double what the others do, and when it comes to my choice of restaurant, we usually go to an expensive steakhouse that I absolutely love. Again, out of the friend group:
I am the only one who is child-free. I have extra income. I feel obligated to pick up the tab, as it is a part of my culture and how I was raised. My love language is gift-giving, and I always give extravagant gifts for special occasions—anniversaries, birthdays, promotions, baby showers, and, above all else, weddings.
I absolutely love weddings, and as much as I am extra generous when it comes to my gifts, the couple in question love to travel. However, due to COVID, inflation, and a new baby, they haven't been able to do it as much.
When I was first asked to be a bridesmaid, the couple asked me to help them go over their budget and see if I had some connections to help them cut costs. Even with my help, they were not going to be able to afford a honeymoon after the wedding—or so I thought.
So, as my wedding gift, I planned for them to visit Japan for a week—covering food, housing, fun money, and a reputable babysitter for their four-month-old. I went to them with the gift, and they were so happy and over the moon. It was a very heartwarming experience, and I was so happy I could do this for them.
(Detail to add: The airplane tickets and any other reservations were under my name until the week after their wedding, when I would transfer them over. I left an envelope with the itinerary and all of the information regarding the trip on the gift table at the wedding venue.)
Well, the wedding came, and while the bride was getting ready, she told me she had forgotten her veil in her car and asked if I could go get it. I agreed and went to retrieve it. As I came back, the door was cracked open, and I overheard a conversation about me from the bride. I stood outside the door and listened.
She went on to tell whoever she was on the phone with that I was, and I quote, "gullible" and that she had tricked me into paying for their honeymoon. She began to recount all of the gifts they had received from me and was plotting how to get me to give them even more expensive gifts.
To say I was crushed would be an understatement. I stood there for a while, feeling stupid and used. They had taken advantage of my generosity and my love for them and used it for their own selfish gain.
But my sadness began to turn into rage. I went inside and tore into the bride. She tried so hard to backtrack, but I told her to go f*** herself and that I was taking back my gift—she could forget about going to Japan.
She tried to chase me as I walked down the hall and took the envelope from the gift table, calling me a b%#@h and an a*&#ole as I left. It's been over four months since this happened, and when I explained it to my partner, she called me an a%#$ole.
She said I could have silently cut the couple out instead of reacting harshly on the bride's wedding day. That I may have ruined her wedding day and that this will be her lasting memory of her wedding for years to come.
Now, I've been feeling kind of bad for my reaction, so I come to you. AITA for taking back my present after overhearing the bride’s conversation?** (Just a little tidbit of information: I later found out that the person she was talking to on the phone was the groom.)
OP posted an update a few hours later.
When I posted this, I didn’t expect the response I got. I was hoping maybe two people would give me some insight to make sure I wasn’t crazy. For those of you questioning why I'm funding other people's lifestyles, let me explain a bit further.
My friends and I used to go to restaurants, and each week, we would take turns choosing where to go. Knowing their financial situations, I usually picked up the tab because I didn’t like most places in my city, and the places I did like were expensive.
For those calling me a sugar mama—sorry, I am not. I do not have a savior complex. I just came from a wealthy background and make good money in my field. With just me and my wife, our expenses are not much, so I'm able to save quite a lot and, with that, I have extra income.
For those who told me to reevaluate my wife—let me explain. My wife is the most non-confrontational person I’ve ever met. She is the kind of person who will silently block you and cut you out of her life without so much as an explanation. To be completely clear, she did agree that my reaction was appropriate—it’s just not how she would have handled the situation.
Next, I stated this in the beginning—I am not a native English speaker. Most of this had to be translated from my native tongue, and some of the wording got misconstrued. One major clarification: I did not put my name on the tickets.
I paid for the tickets and put their names on them. I'm sorry that didn't translate correctly the way I wished it did. Of course, since the purchase was on my credit card, I simply called the airline and canceled them.
For those asking what the rest of my friend group’s opinion was—the remaining three agreed with me and sided with me. Of course, they were a bit upset with me because I did not tell them about it on the day of the wedding. However, they have completely cut the couple in question out.
Did I learn a lesson? Yes, I did. Going forward, I will be less generous with those around me. I was raised in a very generous household where we gave money to those in need quite regularly—but that was through charities and such.
I will start to focus on self-love, learning to have a backbone, and not spending so much money on people who don’t deserve it. I will be more cautious and careful going forward and keep an eye out for signs that people could be using me. Thank you for all the kind words and personal testimonies from those who have been in my shoes and shared how they got through it.
Here are the top rated comments.
Physical_Cause_6073 says:
NTA. They knew how generous you and and plotted to get a honeymoon. That’s despicable. She deserved to get chewed out on her wedding day.
armywifemumof5 says:
NTA and if your partner is ok with you being used get a new partner to.
Ulquiorra1312 says:
I would have taken the veil too.
tetcheddistress says:
NTA, You are a kind and generous person. You are not waste paper to be used and tossed. The bride was tactless and screwed up. Her feelings are irrelevant in this case. She and her partner are users. Good riddance.