'I took off my engagement ring after 12 years. I think I’m done, but now he wants to change.' UPDATED

"I (30F) took off my engagement ring after 12 years with my fiancé (30M) — I think I’m done, but now he wants to change."

I (30F) have been with my fiancé (30M) for 12 years. We met in school, got engaged 2 years ago and have a 5-year-old daughter together. He’s a kind man at heart, but he’s a workaholic. Over the past few years, he’s become more and more consumed by work, often staying up late, waking at 3am to work again, falling asleep on the sofa most nights. I’ve asked for help repeatedly but nothing changes.

I work full-time, study in the evenings, exercise to manage stress, and I’m the default parent, every routine, every meltdown, every bedtime, every household task. He promises to help and then just…doesn’t.

Example: The other night he said he’d put our daughter to bed. At 9:30, I found him snoring while she watched cartoons on his phone after he gave her chocolate before bed. She was wired until 10:30PM and I had to take over again. Last night, I broke down crying. He asked if I wanted to talk. I said no. I was too exhausted to speak and he just went to sleep on the sofa again.

I came downstairs after studying, saw him still asleep (dishes not done like he promised he would do) and quietly took off my engagement ring and left it on the table. This morning, I got a long message from him. He says he now truly sees the damage, that he’s been emotionally shut down from his own trauma, that he’s been in a dark place and taking me for granted.

He says he’ll go to therapy, change how he works, show up better, and is asking for 30 days to prove himself. And now…I’m torn. Part of me wants to believe him. It’s everything I’ve wanted him to say, months ago. But another part of me feels like it’s too late. I’ve been holding it all together alone for too long. I’m tired, hurt, and honestly unsure if I even want to try anymore.

So internet, I need advice: Can people really change after years of emotional absence? Has anyone tried a “trial period” like this? Did it help or just delay the inevitable? How do I protect myself (and my daughter) emotionally if I do give him this time?

I’m not wearing the ring anymore. I haven’t promised anything. I’m just trying to figure out if there’s anything left worth saving or if I’ve already outgrown this version of us.

Thanks for reading. Any insight or experience is deeply appreciated.

Edit / FAQ: I just wanted to answer a few common questions that keep coming up: Does he work extra hours because we need the money? No. We could live off my salary alone. We have everything we need, a house with a low mortgage, no car payments, and no major debts.

His extra hours don’t bring in extra pay (he’s salaried). He’s a project manager at a large corporate firm and is working toward yet another promotion. He’s a “yes man” at work, always overextending himself even when it means logging on in the middle of the night. He says it’s for the family, but truthfully, it’s about career ambition and people-pleasing.

Have I helped him with his trauma? This is the first time he’s ever opened up about trauma. I knew his childhood was a bit rough, but for years he insisted it didn’t affect him. Now, suddenly, it’s being named as a reason for his emotional disconnection. I’m not minimizing it. I understand trauma is real but until now, it was completely buried and never talked about.

Have I brought this up before? Yes. Over and over. I’ve told him clearly, calmly, even desperately, what I needed. He always says he’s “helping” by working so hard. And if he does the dishes or takes our daughter to bed once in a while, he wants a medal. He genuinely believes he’s doing enough because his intentions are good but good intentions don’t carry a household.

Context on my life/career: I work in a law firm (it’s often very stressful), and I’m currently sitting my FE1 exams which are the Irish equivalent of the Bar. I could have qualified years ago, but I kept putting my own career goals on the back burner to support his. Every time he needed flexibility, space, late nights I gave it. I don’t regret supporting him, but I do regret losing myself in the process.

The internet had a lot of thoughts.

Background_Milk_9315 wrote:

The most freeing thing I did was to leave the man who neglected my emotional needs over and over again. I was in the hospital for 10 days and he dropped me off and visited me once.

But when his friend was in the same hospital, he went every single day. You’re modeling good behavior for your daughter. I am better alone. He may step up aa a better parent after you leave (my ex did). And bonus, now, my house is decorated exactly how I like it.

-garlic-thot- wrote:

When you get sick, people show you who they truly are. Sorry you went through that.

Aussiealterego wrote:

You told him, repeatedly, that you were unhappy. He didn’t take steps to change until it impacted HIS potential happiness/comfort. Leaving the ring on the table was you saying “Too late, I’m done."

And now he promises change? Where was all this when you were begging for help? He doesn’t listen when you tell him there is a problem. Not until you make it his problem. Is this really the relationship you want? Because it’s the one you’ve got.

VivianDiane wrote:

He had 12 years to notice your pain. You’re not obligated to give him 30 more days just because he finally panicked. If you do, make therapy NON-negotiable. But honestly? You’ve already grieved this relationship. It’s okay to leave.

MbMinx wrote:

This has been a problem for a long time. You've told him about it multiple times. If he wanted to change, he would have. He's had plenty of chances. He's only talking about changing now because his inaction is about to deliver consequences. It was never important until it was about to affect him. It was never important to him.

All your requests and complaints and troubles were not important to him. Think about that. This is nothing new. You didn't drop a bomb on him with information he didn't have before. He knew. It wasn't important to him. Don't listen to the sounds coming out of his mouth. He can say anything he wants. If you want to stick it out a little bit longer, watch his actions.

Tell him what you want, but don't lift a finger to help him do it. You want him to go to therapy? Then he makes the appointments, and he goes - or he doesn't. You want him to help around the house? You can suggest basic directions, but then watch what he chooses to do. The same with parenting. Let him know when it's his turn and then watch what he does.

If he really wants to change, he will step up. Otherwise, he will offer excuses. If he steps up, great! Still watch, because if the excuses come back, it must not have been that important to him. And if you're honestly done? Go ahead and be done. He could have made these changes at any time. It wasn't important to him. You don't have to stick around.

A day later, OP shared an update.

Thanks to everyone who responded to my original post. Your advice and outside perspective really helped me see things clearly. We were supposed to talk tonight, just one honest conversation to see if there was anything left to save. But he fell asleep putting our daughter to bed and never came down. No message. No effort.

That moment confirmed what I’ve been feeling deep down for a while. I’ve been holding this relationship together alone. Giving chances. Getting my hopes up and being let down every single time. To be fair, over the past two days he did try. He was suddenly being the partner I’ve been asking for. He cleaned without being asked, made me coffee (which he rarely did), and sent me long, apologetic texts.

He acknowledged how much he’s hurt me and even told me he booked a therapy session for Monday. But the truth is, I feel like it’s too late. It took me reaching my breaking point for him to react. And even now, when we finally had a chance to talk, he fell asleep again. He’ll wake up in our daughter’s bed and find the message I sent, telling him that I’m done.

I don’t even want to speak to him at this point, though I know I’ll have to for the sake of our daughter. I’m hurt, exhausted, and emotionally checked out. After 12 years together, and five of those raising a child, I’ve hit a point where love has turned into resentment. I don’t recognise us anymore.

I know this won’t be easy. But I also know it’s necessary. I need peace. I need clarity and I need to stop trying to fix something that’s been broken for far too long.

Thank you again to everyone who helped me feel less alone in this. It meant more than you know.

TL;DR Fiancé and I (both 30) have been together for 12 years and have a 5-year-old daughter. He’s a kind man but a workaholic who’s been emotionally and practically absent for a long time.

I reached my limit. He made a last-minute effort the past two days, cleaned, made coffee, booked therapy. But tonight, when we were meant to talk, he fell asleep again. I sent him a message ending it. I’m heartbroken but also at peace. I can’t carry this alone anymore.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

inbetween-genders wrote:

Spoiler alert: He won’t change.

Blonde2468 wrote:

I have had this happen also - they do everything you've ever asked of them when they know you are done. They think this helps. What they don't realize as it just PISSES US OFF EVEN MORE because now WE KNOW they knew what and how to do what we asked for all along, they just DID NOT CARE until we are walking out the door. TOO FKING LATE AH!!!*

4SeasonWahine wrote:

Exactly this. My ex wanted to make ALL the changes when he realised he’d lost me and it made it so much worse because I’d spent the last two years having HOURS of intense conversation over all the things that needed to change.

I told him that making the changes to stop me leaving does nothing, that’s just manipulation. I needed him to make the changes because he wanted to keep the relationship in the first place.

tsh87 wrote:

No one wants to be with a person who's more motivated by their absence than their presence.

Golden_standard wrote:

You’re not alone. I left a 8ish year relationship for similar reasons: workaholic, always prioritized other things, people, and maintaining an image above me and our relationship. Refused individual therapy when I asked him to go 4 months before I left.

After I left he sent apologetic letters, cards, asked me to talk and he promised he’d change and it wouldn’t happen again since he now understands the error of his ways; I’ll never have to worry about any of that again. The thing is, though, that’s what he said the last time. And, I did give him a second chance. Spent a few more years with him and it didn’t stick. Was up to his old ways.

Personalities, including prioritizing work/himself, over you and family, are pretty much ingrained at our age. It takes work to change. Work he could have been doing when you brought it up to him well before the straw that broke the camels back. He thought you’d reached a tolerable level of permanent unhappiness and was fine with that for you until you decided to leave.

It’s really hard to unsee that, that someone you love could be ok with you feeling that way, and I don’t think you should. Maybe a separation and if in a year he’s done the work, without you managing it for him or pushing him to do it, you can reevaluate. I’m sorry.