'AITA for tricking my ex into admitting to her affair? UPDATED 3X

"AITA for tricking my ex into admitting to her affair?"

I felt like something was off, so I went through her phone and found messages between her and a male "friend" that seemed suspect (discussing meeting up when she’d never mentioned it to me, flirting, talking in coded language, etc.). There was nothing overt, but still pretty sketchy.

I figured she’d just lie and bury things deeper if I confronted her (and she was actually cheating), so I set up a fake Instagram account and sent her a message saying I knew she was f%^##%g her friend, had the receipts, and was going to contact her partner in three days whether or not she confessed.

The next day, she sat me down and admitted to cheating, but wouldn’t tell me who it was or how long it had been going on. She was sorry, she loved me, and wanted to make things work—it meant nothing, blah blah blah.

I told her that I already knew, and that it was me who had sent her the message. My ex lost it, and I had to leave the apartment and go stay with a friend to get away from her. She was gone along with most of her clothes when I came back the next day. She’d completely trashed the place while I was gone.

This all happened a few weeks ago, and it has been pretty tough ever since. It’s sucked having to find a new place to live and separating our stuff while dealing with feeling like s%^t. To make it worse, I’d met the guy several times, shaken his hand, bought him a drink, thought he was harmless, etc.

Mostly, I feel like an idiot for having trusted her. I’ve never cheated on anyone, and I assumed my ex was cut from the same cloth. My ex is adamant that I’m an a%^*ole for what I did to her, but I don’t really feel like I owe her anything. I dunno, am I the a%&#ole here?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

do2g says:

For what you did to her? Wow, she's desperately trying to find an offensive position when in reality she's victim blaming. I applaud you for what you did, which was to catch her cheating and call her out.

Guess the other dude can continue making his "deposits" because she's morally bankrupt. You should send him a celebratory bottle of wine as a gift for getting her out of your life. Does the other guy know she's a cheater? NTA.

OP responded:

Yeah, he knew about me, we'd met on several occasions and he'd been introduced to me as a friend. He's just as gross and morally bankrupt as her, they deserve each other. I don't really feel like I need or want any revenge. I just want her out of my life.

AlphaSparqy says:

I don't know about being an a^#%ole, but you're an idiot for still staying in touch with your ex, and giving her opinion of you any consideration. I know "idiot" is harsh, and I don't actually mean it in a nasty way, but more for hyperbole to drive home the point.

OP responded:

We'd been together for 4 years and had joint bank accounts, a cat, a car, furniture, etc. It's not easy to untangle all of that unless you're willing to talk.

Significant-Dirt-793 says:

Unless you were married you can just take however much you want from the joint accounts then remove your name, the cat stays in the apartment you keep the furniture and change the locks. Have a restraining order against her using the trashed apartment as the reason.

Have the landlord remove her from the lease if she is on it for the same reason, I'm sure they don't want someone that would do that having access to the property. Tell her the things she trashed are hers.

OP says:

She didn't kick holes in the walls or anything, she just made a mess. All my clothes were pulled out and thrown around the place, and she'd knocked things over. It took a couple of hours to get it cleaned up but she hadn't destroyed anything valuable.

A day later OP came back with an update:

So I think my original post must have been shared on Facebook or something, because my phone has been blowing up. It's mostly mutual friends and acquaintances asking if I posted it, I'd told a few people about how I'd caught her cheating and I guess it wasn't hard to put 2 and 2 together.

My ex also tried to call me about a hundred times. I know she knows my throwaway username because she sent me a screenshot of the post along with a long, abusive message threatening all sorts of things. I blocked her everywhere after that.

I want to clear a few things up:

• Going through her phone was wrong, I get that. To be honest it's the first time I've ever done anything like that in a relationship, and it was only because there were so many things that gave me bad vibes (e.g., late nights out with vague explanations, being caught in various lies, sleeping with her phone under her pillow or leaving it face down on the charger, etc).

• I left the apartment because my ex has a history of violent histrionics when she doesn't get her way. I didn't want to put myself in a compromising situation where she could either hurt me or make up stories about me hurting her. I had a bug-out bag packed and ready to go before I hit send on the message just in case.

• She didn't do any real damage to the apartment, just threw my stuff around while having a tantrum. It took a few hours to clear up and nothing valuable was damaged, so I figured it was easier to just let it slide.

• I had to stay in contact with her while we divided up our joint finances, furniture, and various other stuff accumulated over a four year relationship. As of yesterday that's all done, which is why I waited several weeks to make the initial post. She is now blocked everywhere.

• Yes, I took the cat with me. We've both been crashing at my friend's place while I look for a new apartment. He's doing great. He was always my pet anyway, my ex tolerated him (at best).

• I told my ex that I was the one who sent the message because I wanted her to know. I suppose I could have played that hand differently, but I wanted the satisfaction of seeing the look on her face when she found out. It didn't feel that great in hindsight, I'd probably go back and do that differently if I could.

• I wasn't planning on airing her dirty laundry on social media, because I wanted to be above that sort of juvenile bul%$#@$, but it seems like the horse has bolted on that now. People know.

I don't think there'll be much else to update on after this - I don't intend to ever speak to her again, and I doubt her ugly little man has the backbone to come after me.

J - I know you're reading this. I hope you also read all the comments in the first post, they were savage. You're disgusting, and I am so glad I was able to see your true colors before I wasted any more of my life on you. Good luck with the pathetic goblin you chose over me, I don't know if I should feel more sorry for him or for you. In any case, people of your quality deserve to be together.

Oh, and A, she's all yours now buddy. Good luck with that.

2 days later OP came back with a new update:

Holy s%$#$. Where to begin? Some things have happened since my last update.

Yesterday while I was out my ex-girlfriend (J) showed up at my buddy's place with a box of my stuff and asked to see me. He said she looked like s%#$... he also said she had a fat lip. I have to admit that I almost caved and called her to see if she was OK. I'm glad I didn't.

My ex's sister (H) texted and asked if we could talk. We always got along and I have no issues with J's family, so I called her after I got home. We talked for about an hour. She wanted to apologize for her sister's behavior, but she also told me about some of the things that have been happening over the last few weeks.

J has been staying with her sister since we split and A (the guy she was f#*&W(*&) has been coming around regularly. They got into a huge fight yesterday and J lost her s*@% at A - her sister had to pull her off him, and A's elbow connected with my ex's face while he was trying to get away from her. Turns out he's not single and his girlfriend found out about J. It also turns out that my ex wasn't his only side piece.

After H kicked him out, my ex-girlfriend spilled her guts. She's been lying to her family about everything - she told them that I cheated and she broke up with me.

H said that my ex had confided in a couple of her friends about the way she got caught out. One of them saw the original AITAH post and sent it to her since the details lined up almost exactly. Her friend must have shared the post with other people too, and from there it kind of snowballed.

H also said that she's given my ex a week to find somewhere else to stay. So that's it, I guess.

6 days later OP came back with a 3rd update, with a new WIBTA question:

I didn't think I'd be posting here again, but people have been asking for an update and some things have happened since my last post. Two major things, actually.

The former girlfriend of my ex's affair partner reached out (hey Meredith!). She tracked me down on Facebook and asked if we could meet. I was hesitant at first, but curiosity got the better of me. We met up for a drink at a local bar, and what was supposed to be a quick chat turned into a three-hour conversation.

She filled me in on Andrew's (yeah, f#*$ you, no more fake names) history of being a rapacious, cheating degenerate piece of s#&$. It sounds like the guy is a s#% addict with no sense of self-control.

Meredith found out about him f&^%#$ my ex through mutual friends who knew about the original post. It was the second time she'd caught him cheating and she'd had enough, so she threw him out.

I felt bad for her, she seemed sweet but it was obvious that this situation had screwed her up. But that's not the main reason I'm posting. The second thing that happened is... complicated. And I'm not sure how to feel about it.

I've been spending time with my ex's sister - we've been talking and hanging out semi-regularly. Hayley has been amazing through all of this. We were always friendly when I was dating Jo, but I kept her at arm's length. Seeing how she's handled this mess has really shown me what an incredible person she is.

At first, it was just venting and talking s#(*&. But lately, our conversations have been going late into the night. We've been talking about everything - our hopes, fears, childhood memories. It's like I'm seeing her in a whole new light.

Last night, things took an unexpected turn. We were on the phone at 2 AM, both a little tipsy, and Hayley confessed that she's been having feelings for me. And the truth is, I think I feel the same way.

We haven't done anything physical yet, but there's definitely a connection there. I'm torn between feeling excited about this potential relationship and feeling guilty as hell. Part of me thinks this could be something real, but another part wonders if we're just trauma bonding or if it's some kind of twisted revenge against my ex-girlfriend.

I have no idea how to handle this. I've really caught feelings for Hayley, and I don't want this to be about revenge, or some s#*(&%y rebound. WIBTA if I hooked up with my ex-girlfriend's sister?