I turned to my husband for support after some bad news. He pointed out a blemish on my face.' UPDATED

"I [34/f] turned to my husband [34/m] for support after some bad news. He pointed out a blemish on my face in response. Is this a big enough straw to break the camel's back?"

We have been through a lot together. We met in college nearly fifteen years ago, were long distance for a little while after graduation, then we moved overseas together and back again. We now own a house, have some pets, are both gainfully employed, and have a wonderful time together. We're great together when times are good. We've been married for seven years.

The problem is that he is a really awful communicator while I am very open with how I'm feeling. I wear my heart on my sleeve, while he could keep what he's feeling inside indefinitely. This has always been hard to reconcile, but our problems really started about two years ago when we started talking about the subject of having children.

I had serious doubts about my capacity for motherhood, but he wanted to be a father. When I would talk to him about my reservations or fears, he would usually just shut down and say "Let's not have kids, then." He would never be on board for a deep discussion.

I decided my fears weren't enough to be a deal breaker, so we went ahead and started trying. We have had three miscarriages since then. The stress of first trying to conceive and then losing our pregnancies was immense. I turned to him countless times for support, and countless times I came away feeling like he was going through the motions, but there was nothing real behind them.

I know it can be hard for some to grasp the pain of losing a pregnancy, but as my partner I feel there was a serious lack of genuine sympathy when I was struggling and in pain. He would hug me, hold me, do everything that would make it look like he was by my side in this, but never seemed to really listen when I talked about it or converse about it with any depth.

This year has been hard for me. It started out promising: I was pregnant again and I was up for a promotion at work. I lost the pregnancy in the middle of January, and even though all signs pointed to the promotion working out, the position was eliminated after I had gone through three rounds of interviews to get it. I found out the position was eliminated officially yesterday.

When he got home from work, I asked him for a hug. Instead, he started examining the skin around my mouth. He said "Do you have mouth herpes or something?" I have been breaking out in that area since the last miscarriage: it's a hormonal trouble spot for acne for me, and no matter what I do, nothing stops it right after a miscarriage. My hormones are just out of whack for a couple of months.

So not only was I turned down for comfort after a long couple of months trying to get this promotion and finding out it wasn't going to happen, but he pointed out a flaw on my face that happens to be a lasting side effect of another devastating loss. At first I was angry, demanded an apology, and gave him the cold shoulder after he gave me an insincere one.

Then I let go of the anger and just felt so sad. Just incredibly, hopelessly sad. I cried all night long. He finally came to me and said he was sorry in a sincere way, and we hugged for a long time. But I couldn't talk to him, I just couldn't put myself in the position of telling him what I was going through and not really knowing he was there for me.

After he left for work this morning, he called me and said he realizes that he needs to work on his communication and he's going to try harder. He also said he wants to take a trip for our fifteen year dating anniversary later this year, something I have been talking about for almost a year now, but that he never seemed interested in until now. I am left feeling like this is all just too little, too late.

I suggested marriage counseling about a year ago when I felt a major disconnect between us after our first two losses. He said he would go, but I never followed up and looked for a counselor. Now I feel like maybe it's just too late. I feel like my trust in him is shattered. Is this something we can fix in counseling? Will his communication ever improve? Can I get over these feelings of bitterness?

TL;DR - husband of seven years and I don't communicate well despite my efforts. He broke my trust and is crawling back - can his communication really actually improve or is this just what he's like?

The internet had a lot to say in response.

chasmosaur wrote:

My husband developed anxiety a few years after we got married. Some of the shit he said and did is similar to what you describe. Essentially, he could barely handle his stress, let alone mine. I almost left him in the wake of my mother's death, because he was absolutely selfish and unsupportive. (Instead he got an ultimatum - therapy or divorce. He chose therapy.)

He has gotten some very good therapy with a therapist who specializes in anxiety disorders. He recognizes that he has caused some damage that cannot be undone. He feels horrible about it, and he's gotten much better at communication and support - it's still an evolving process.

So essentially, your husband might need some counseling on his own in addition to couple's counseling. But without counseling or therapy, this may not be a lasting relationship. If you have to constantly dig down and support yourself, it can kill your relationship. Good luck.

OP responded:

Thank you. What you said makes a lot of sense. I know he's got a lot of stress to deal with at work, and I'm sure that's a factor in how he responds to me in difficult times. It's like pulling teeth to get him to talk about anything that is going on in his life, though. I guess the only way is to just go to therapy. Thank you so much.

[deleted] wrote:

I'm not sure he really "chose" to be so callous...maybe you disagree, but a lot of times, if I am very stressed out about work or whatever and I know my wife is stressed out about her job or family or whatever, then I subconsciously realize that I'm not mentally prepared to truly listen and lend a sympathetic ear and find myself avoiding or squirming out of serious conversations.

I've tried to get better and to simply tell her when I don't have the emotional energy to be her support at the moment, but sometimes I find myself simply shutting down and changing the subject.

I think you are upset because he wasn't there to give you what you needed, but I think you may be overlooking how emotionally exhausting it can be to be a constant life raft for a partner - especially if you have both been going through some rough times career-wise, family-wise, etc.

My point isn't to try to make excuses for him. I'm just explaining that if I put myself in his shoes here, I can see making some comment like that as sort of a knee-jerk defense mechanism if I wasn't in a mental state capable of empathy.

I don't think he was being intentionally callous. I think he was just not able to provide any empathy at the moment and did a poor job of communicating that. I think questioning your marriage over this is pretty rash.

OP responded:

After my first loss, he scoffed when I suggested a vacation around the time of the due date to ease the pain, and told me I shouldn't turn it into a morbid anniversary. This was about a week after the loss. When I told him I needed to distance myself from my pregnant friend after she showed me no support, he told me I should be there for her and told me to put myself in her shoes.

For some reason he denied the second loss was even a real pregnancy for months. It took reminding him of the tests we took together and that I actually passed the tissue to get him to finally stop denying it, although I don't feel he's ever genuinely accepted it. Do these fit into what you're describing as well?

whenifeellikeit wrote:

I wouldn't change anything right at this moment. While I think that it's probably going to be time to seriously re-evaluate your marriage very soon, it's generally not a good idea to make large decisions like this in the wake of misfortune. You're not feeling empathy from him. Empathy would be a way that he shows his love for you, so by extension, you're not feeling love from him. Is that accurate?

I think you should honestly explore for right now the question of where your love is together. Grieve your lost babies however you need to, and focus inward on healing your life. As you do that, I think answers will surface about where your relationship is with your husband. If you don't feel connected to him, then you might not come back from this.

But there's time to figure that out. I hate adding this, but in case it's in question, it's probably best not to try to get pregnant again anytime soon. A baby won't fill any gaps and magically heal you or your marriage. Let yourself recover before making decisions about that too.

OP responded:

Pretty much accurate. He shows lust, he says "I love you" all the time, he jokes around with me and shows affection. But he can't do much more than hug me when I'm upset. He seems like he's incapable of actually talking about difficult topics. I will definitely not be getting pregnant again any time soon. Thanks, I'm surprised it took someone so long to mention it.

summerholiday wrote:

If you go to marriage counseling, it doesn't mean you have to stay with him. Maybe you will realize that it is too late and that you are done and want out. If that happens, then counseling should help you both to peaceably end the relationship.

If you go to counseling you should be honest about your doubts about continuing the relationship. A somewhat common scenario is for one person to bring up a problem they have, the other person to consistently brush it off, the relationship deteriorates, the couple eventually ends up in counseling, only for the first person to realize that it is over. They no longer want to be in that relationship anymore.

Also, even if his change is real (and he doesn't backslide in a few months when the heat is off) you don't have to stay with him. You just may not trust him or believe in him or want him anymore and that's okay too. Honestly, I'm surprised you stayed with him this long. I could never stay with someone as sh#$ty at emotional support as he is.

OP responded:

That's kind of what I'm worried about. I have been begging for better communication and support from him for the past two years, and now after this latest slight I just don't know if it will do us any good. I'm sick of begging for a compassionate partner.

Five months later, OP shared an update.

We got into counseling not too long after that post and have been continuing every week ever since. We just had a session yesterday.

Our counselor is wonderful, she really understands the situation and has identified the struggle my husband faces when confronted with an uncomfortable topic, like our losses, stress at work, the decision to have children or not, and more. We have spent quite a long time discussing my husband's upbringing.

His family isn't really big on communicating, and there are many problems that he and his siblings have had over the years (and continue to this day) that were never addressed and never resolved. In session he talked about how he felt his emotional needs were never really met growing up, but that he didn't realize it until now. It made me really sad for him.

We had his parents over a few weeks ago and as usual, the conversation remained really superficial and never delved into anything very substantial. I have tried to share with them about our life and our losses before, but there's never been any sign of interest from them in connecting with us in that way, even though his mother is one of the only people I know in my life who has suffered a loss as well.

We spent the next week's session processing their visit, and unfortunately my husband felt a lot of anger and frustration that he wasn't able to talk to them about the important stuff.

However, in our relationship things have completely transformed. We argue so much less, and he is completely present and there for me when I need his support. The topic of having children has come back up, and we are still figuring that out, but we can really talk about it and be open and honest with each other without fear and with respect and open arms for each other.

He has repeatedly said that he's really happy we got into therapy and that he feels great about the state of our relationship. I'm almost happy we've gone through such hard times so that we were able to hit rock bottom and get to this wonderful place.

So, thank you to everyone for your kindness and generosity in following our journey.

TL;DR: Poor communicator husband and I started therapy and now our relationship has completely transformed. Thank you to everyone!

The internet continued to share their thoughts.

thinkbeforeyouact123 wrote:

I remember your post and I was one of the commenters who didn't think your husband could change. I am really glad to hear he has taken the steps to improve your relationship! Keep on at it. He seemed so cold that it's a great surprise he's done such a turn around - it sounds like he really DOES love you a lot. You also sound so much happier yourself.

OP responded:

In that post I glossed over his positive attributes to best convey my frustration at the situation, so he comes off as a cold, uncaring jerk. That's not who he is at heart, but how could you know that based on my short anecdote? And selfishly, it was validating to hear others agree with me that enough was enough. I still thank you for reading and giving your input.

[deleted] wrote:

My husband's family is very similar to your husband's, and yes, my husband and his siblings all have issues. They bottle things up and then explode. They take things far too seriously and are very hard on themselves, meanwhile, they are unable to acknowledge when others are experiencing sadness or pain and instead see it as a competition.

For example, I told them that my mother was seriously ill with cancer. His mother then launched into a monologue about her aches and pains, and his siblings said nothing at all. One of his siblings can't even say Happy Birthday or Merry Christmas, he says "It's your birthday" and "I'ts Christmas and you're here."

When they do talk, it is about stuff like wine, music, characters in a book. They don't ever talk about how they are feeling, acknowledge anything bad that has happened, what's going on in their lives, nothing beyond a conversation that you could easily have with a stranger.

One of them only shows how he is feeling with rants on facebook, which comes across as him having a pity party, and when people reply in comment he angrily rants at them "I don't ask for your sympathy! I am quite alright!!" Then he'll have another rant on facebook about people not minding their own business about his life.

When my husband told his mother over the phone that we have been confirmed as infertile, without skipping a beat she launched into talking about his sister's choir music. He was very angry and hurt, especially because my parent's reaction was to cry for us and tell us how sorry they are.

And that was the tipping point where he acknowledged that his parents don't communicate like they should. Prior to that he always said that I had an abnormally close relationship with my parents because we talk every few days on the phone. (He rarely talks with his family on the phone, not even for birthdays.)

My husband has been to counselling and we also talk at length about how to express ourselves and how to acknowledge others. He's getting there. When I compare to how he is now to how he was back then, he is a hundred times better and much happier.

I actually do think that what saved him is that growing up he was the only one of the siblings that had a large group of friends and was heavily involved in team sports, so he did develop some type of social skills. The rest were daydreaming with their nose in a book or off in lala land playing musical instruments.

OP responded:

Wow, that's really fascinating. What you said about the conversations being like what you would talk to a stranger about is definitely my in-laws. They don't even discuss politics with each other.

We are really close with my family and perhaps we are a bit extreme on the other end of the spectrum in terms of prying and sharing, but at least I know I can confide in them and they will always support us in whatever way we need them to.

Our main concern now is that one of his siblings really needs help and no one is acknowledging it. We believe it will become our problem to deal with one day, but no one will discuss it, so who knows?

anonomie wrote:

Great news for you and your husband. I wouldn't push it with other people. Some people just don't want the burden of other people's problems, nor do they care to delve deeper into communicating other than superficially. I have some people in my life like that, and I am like that myself with some people and some of my own issues...all you can do is work on yourself and your marriage.

OP responded:

I agree with you, except that there are problems that seriously need to be addressed before it's too late, but we have no idea how to broach them. We foresee great expense and inconvenience in our future...