'AITA for using my dad's words against him when he told me to put up photos of his wife?'

"AITA for telling my dad he can make decisions about my home when he pays the bills?"

This was me throwing his words back into his face. I (24M) live with my girlfriend of 10 years now. We both graduated and got our first house together. It's been great. I'm not close with my dad.

We ended up with bad blood between us in my teens because when he remarried after the death of my mom, his wife wanted all traces of my mom removed from the living spaces of the home to make it "feel like her home," and they were not willing to compromise and keep some up for me.

My dad told me I can make those decisions when I pay the bills. Since I was a kid, that wasn't possible, and so, all my mom's photos, keepsakes, and anything she ever added to the house on her own were taken down and stored in my room because I said dad didn't get to keep it if he didn't think enough of mom to keep even one thing of hers up.

My girlfriend and I have a lot of childhood and family photos in our place. I kept all of mine safe at my aunt's house until I had my own place. My girlfriend's family is big on taking photos, so she has a lot of them too. We also have photos of us from our 10 years together.

During the housewarming, my dad's wife noticed that she wasn't in any of the photos around the home, and nothing she ever gifted me was there. She took offense, and dad took offense on her behalf. He confronted me on the lack of a sign that I had a stepmom. I shrugged him off and told him to focus on the party. He didn't like that.

So a few days later, he comes back over and tells me I should show some sign of his wife being part of the family and having one photo of her would not kill me. I told him he can make decisions about my home when he pays the bills for my home. He went red in the face and told me that was SO different. I told him it was not different.

I said his home was supposed to be my home back then, but he needed to take making his wife comfortable to the extreme and showed me how little he thought of mom or me in the process. He accused me of acting 4 instead of 24, and then he told me I was petty for throwing his words back in his face like that.

He stormed off, and a few more days went by, and then he started sending me these random texts that are essentially just him repeating that I behaved like a child and throwing those words back at him did not help me make a valid point. He told me I hurt his wife out of spite and I threw his words back at him out of spite, and it's time for me to grow up.

OP responded to some comments:

hazelnuttjelly says:

NTA (Not the a%#hole). He had a complete lack of respect for his own son's grieving process just to accommodate his wife. He made a choice to favor his wife. Stepmother also sounds wild to just neglect the fact there is a child who lost his mother.

She sounds very self centered. I can understand maybe not having a shrine, but leaving a few pictures up so it doesn't feel like erasing or replacing entirely, & it doesn't hurt her in any way. I'm sorry OP.

OP responded:

And not even just pictures. But throws and cushions and wall art that she otherwise liked but wanted gone because my mom bought them. I think they even sold furniture and got new stuff because it bothered her that my mom bought them. I was able to save my mom's rocking chair, which I love. That moved to this house with me and my girlfriend too.

Vandreeson says:

NTA. Karma's a b%#ch ain't it. That's how he raised you, his house his rules. Well, now it's your house your rules. How insecure do you have yo be for both of them to do that?

OP responded:

She's really insecure. I couldn't even leave my bedroom door open back then because she hated to see my mom's stuff in there.

throwaway2161980 says:

Obviously NTA. Your dad and your stepmom are particularly childish and awful people, you had a chance to throw that back in his face. Remind him that calling you childish means he finally realizes how childish his behavior was. On other note, I’m sorry you went through the loss of your mother and didn’t have a supportive father.

OP responded:

I know if I do remind him of that he will make a point to say it's different because he said those words to a kid who thought he could make "adult decisions" or "homeowner decisions". That's just like him.

Thanks. it sucks to know you became less of a priority for a parent because they wanted to be with someone else.

chuckinhoutex says:

NTA- and I would tell him that he is the one acting childish and throwing a tantrum over something that he caused and rather than take responsibility for his own actions as an adult, he points fingers and gets mad like a child. Tell him to come and talk to you when he's grown some and ready to address it as an adult.

What do you think? Was OP right to throw his dad's words in his face?