'I want to divorce my husband. Everyone keeps telling me I'll be alone forever if I do.' MAJOR UPDATE

Not all advice is good, in fact, a lot of it is incredibly misguided.

"I (37f) want to divorce my husband (40m). But everyone keeps telling me I will d*e alone if I do so. What is the best course of action?"

I (37f) caught my husband (40m) cheating on me with my daughter's teacher. We have 3 kids (12m, 9f, 4f). We have been married for 15 years and together for 20 years. But recently I found out he has been cheating. I reported the teacher and separated from my husband.

I served him divorce papers because cheating has always been a deal breaker for me. My husband has begged a lot but I still didn’t budge. It's been 1.5 months since I served him divorce. I have had people try to convince me to stay. I've heard numerous advices. But most common were:

1. All men cheat. If I leave my husband and find a new man. The chances that he will cheat on me is still high. Better to stay with him.

2. I will be a single mom. A single mom with 3 kids have a difficult time finding a new partner. We have baggage. Besides I am 37.

3. I should just let him cheat because at the end of the day he still provides and pays the bills.

4. Think about your kids and how it will affect them. Divorce is always harsh on kids.

5. I am taking their father away from them.

All these I avoided. But what struck me was what my mother said. My mom also divorced my dad when he cheated. Our dad abandoned us after the divorce was final. I barely talk to him.

My mother said sometimes she wishes she didn’t divorce my dad. He left us because he was angry that my mom didn’t want to work things out. If she had just worked things out I would still have a dad. Part of the reason she was single till I was 18 because she didn’t want strange men to groom me and take advantage of me. She said to think about it.

I have thought about this for a long time. I cannot even look at him. His face disgusts me. The last time he touched my armed I jerked it off. I am fine if I never date again. But I've always had abandonment issues. I think about my children and it makes me want to change my mind. But how can I stay with a man who disgust me.

We will be living like roommates. I need some insights on what is the right thing to do for me and ny kids?

TL;DR: my husband cheated. I want divorce. But people keep telling me I am wrong to do so.

The internet did not hold back.

Icy_Perception-8108 wrote:

Your husband cheated with the TEACHER of your kids. He cares sh#$ about your kids. How many people at the school, including other parents, know now? The fact that he did that to your kids and has embarrassed them in such a way (even though they might not know personally) is telling enough. You don’t s#$t where you or your kids eat. Your husband just did. Divorce him.

gooderj wrote:

True and I just want to piggyback on your comment in the hope OP sees it. I’ve been married 20 years and we went through some rough times, pretty much most of the first half of those 20 years. I had the opportunity to cheat numerous times and not once did I even consider it.

My wife and I are in a much better place now and I absolutely adore her, but even at our lowest point, I would never have cheated, so no, not every man cheats.

michaelpaeoli wrote:

"All men cheat"

Bullsh*t. That's folks typically projecting their own behavior and/or experience. I'm a man, 60+, never cheated, never even seriously thought to do so.

And can't say I've never had attractive women hit on me. "Think about your kids and how it will affect them."

Yes, do you want to teach them that it's fine to be a cheater, it doesn't matter, because partner will stay regardless? What else do you want to teach them and how much sh*t do you want to teach them they ought put up with from a partner? Do you want to teach your kids that banging the kid's teacher is acceptable because it wouldn't even break up a marriage?

"I am taking their father away."

His actions and consequences. You're not "taking him away", he friggin' left to go bang your daughter's teacher.

"Dad abandoned us after the divorce."

Because he's a jerk, not because of divorce.

"cannot even look at him"

Divorce his butt, and also teach your kids to not accept nor tolerate the unacceptable.

Four days later, OP shared an update.

Hello everyone, just wanted to give a quick update. Recently I had my lasik operation done on my eyes. So I wasn’t available to answer all the PMs and comments. I wasn't allowed screentime for 48-72hrs. But thanks to all of you who opened my eyes. I was having some doubts. In my mind I was doing the right thing. But people were telling me I should reconsider.

So it created a doubt whether I'm doing the right thing or not. But the comments from people has cleared it. So where are we? That's the discussion I had with my stbx (soon to be ex). My stbx came to see me during my operation. I never asked him but he still came. He took me home after my operation.

Since I wasn’t allowed to do put pressure or dust in eyes it made majority of the chores very difficult to do. But he did all my chores, starting from dusting, cooking and laundry. He was with me reminding me to take my eye drops. It felt good. For once I thought I got my husband back. But I thought about this a lot.

He never did anything like this unless I ask him to. He never did my portion of the chores even when I was sick with a flu. He is only doing this to be on my good side. I don’t want someone who only acts nice only to gain something. Plus the messages he shared with his AP stil haunts me. It's been imprinted in my brain.

I don't think doing two days worth of chores will make me forget the humiliation me and my kids went through because of him. So I sat him down, it easier to talk to him wearing glasses. I told him I'm still going through with the divorce. I am not going to take his kids away from him. He is still their dad. I can never live under the same roof.

Even if I take his advice and go to counselling together I would still never be able to let go of the fact that he cheated. Our kids don't deserve parents who resent the other. It's better we part our ways and continue as a coparent. I did suggest counselling as a family so that we can be the best coparent. But as far as being married that's out of the question.

He can resent me all he wants but he still has to be there for the kids. He agreed. Although I can see the sadness in his eyes. He said sorry for everything that he has done. He opened up about his affair. That he just thought it would be great. Because we got so stuck in our mundane lives that the affair was an escape. But he didn’t realize what he was losing.

He blocked his affair partner and ended his relationship with her. He acknowledges that not only he destroyed his marriage, but also ruined her career. He also stooped so low in his kid's eyes. He also said he will never date again. I told him to not make promises he knows he cannot keep. Another problem we are facing now is our kids. My oldest son knows what's happening.

Apparently the rumors has reached his school. The teacher taught my middle child. So she also knows. My son is not talking to his dad. He even refused to eat the meal he cooked and has been living on peanut butter and jelly sandwich. My other kids followed his lead. He refuses to talk to my stbx and it hurts him. I even caught him crying 1-2 times.

I can understand what my kids are going through. I don't want them to hate their dad. He is a crappy husband but a great dad. I don't know what to do with them. If you have suggestions please let me know. Also I cannot reply to all the comments because I'm only allowed 30 mins of screentime every 2 hours. But I will read the comments once I'm fully recovered.

TL;DR: had lasik surgery. Had "the talk" with my stbx. We are still getting divorce. Kids still hate him.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

meiumei_ wrote:

I think your ex gave up his 'great dad' status when not only did he cheat, but cheated with your CHILD'S TEACHER.

OP responded:

I know that. I think this wouldn’t have got this far if it wasn’t a teacher. I don't know what he was thinking. Or what that stupid AP was thinking jeopardising her career like that.

Last_Friend_6350 wrote:

Why do you think it wouldn’t have got this far if she wasn’t a teacher? I’m confused on that.

OP responded:

Because the news of my husband's affair spread like wildfire. I mean other parents came to know and they are complaining about this teacher because they are also afraid their husbands were involved. One of the reason why the teacher got fired is because of backlash.

The teacher taught my daughter. My son's peers also had siblings taught by the same teacher. So they also got to know about the affair. It was a whole lot drama.

allycia85 wrote:

I'd get them to see a psychologist ASAP. The anger and resentment are normal, and it's up to him to do the work to get their forgiveness. But they need a safe space in the meantime where to process it all and cope with the changes that are coming; they have been exposed to grown up issues beyond their emotional understanding and a psychologist can help them through it.

Congratulations for making the right choice for you and your kids in the long term, it's not easy but future you will be so grateful of your strength now.

Jwizz13 wrote:

Let the kids have their feelings. They’re old enough to understand that level of betrayal. He didn’t just do it to you. He did it to the kids too. I just can’t get over the teacher part and I’m a stranger! I can only imagine how your kiddos feel.

Definitely do family therapy and let the therapist help them work through their feelings, and find their way back to their dad if that’s what they choose. Good on you for looking after yourself and kids. You’re a strong woman and good mom!

Jill4ChrisRed wrote:

Yup, I agree eith this. My dad cheated on my mum while she was going through a tribunal at work (which was dropped because my mum was a saint, and her work just had it out for her for petty drama reasons), losing her dad to terminal cancer and we were in the process of moving house into a place that my dad bought, owned and never signed her on the deed.

I was 20, but still living at home due to being in close travelling distance from university, and they'd always had an awful relationship, but this broke the camel's back.

I didn't talk to him outside of the basics for a year. We were civil but I avoided him. My mum forgave him because she thought no one else would want her, but it put her through a spiral of serious mental health issues where she started cutting herself and tried to commit suicide. It was a rough year. I'm still civil with my father but I'll never forgive him for what he did.

Mum died 2 and a half years after the incident, she had a year of sort of happiness where she and dad actually went to therapy and worked things out and then she got terminal cancer too and passed 6 months after diagnosis. He could've made the last few years of her life the happiest she'd ever been as she was so excited to move house and make a place her own after renting for 20 years...had he not cheated.

Dad's reason for cheating sucked too. Mum was 'never there' for him emotionally. While going through the threat of losing her job, and her father dying, and being the one to sort out the house move because father worked 5 days a week in another country and was only home for 2 nights a week.

One of those days a week he'd HAVE to leave to go to the gym and then see his mother, then spend half a day on Sunday watching sports before he packed up the food mum slaved over then f#$ked off again for a week.

He was projecting hard. He still hasn't recognised it was his fault 100% and tries to shift blame any time the topic comes up. I'm only civil to him because he's a rich mizer and one day I'll inherit his estate as I'm an only child. If it takes 20-30 years of being civil, fu#$k it.

Patience is a virtue and mum wouldn't want me to hate him forever. This is the kind of attitude OP's kids may have about their dad for years. They'll be mad for a while, then they may just be civil. They may never go back to being what they were. And that's OP's stbx's bed he made and must lie in. He didnt think about the consequences.

OP definitely did the right thing for her kids and future at large, as painful as it might be.