'WIBTA for ending my marriage because I want bio kids and not stepchildren?'
"WIBTA for ending my marriage because I want bio kids when I have two stepkids who already lost their mom?"
Dense_Pack_149 writes:
When I (31f) met my husband, I was upfront that having biological kids was one of my dealbreakers. I always wanted to be a mom, and if I couldn't get pregnant naturally, fertility treatments were something I would want to pursue. I told him that if he wasn’t okay with that, I needed him to be honest from the start. He told me he would be fine with it and that he wanted more kids too. He was a widower with two young kids at the time.
I fell in love with him and with them. We got married and started trying to have children together, but conceiving naturally has not worked for us. I was prescribed medication to try and help, but it didn’t work. Then my fertility doctor recommended we do some tests.
Afterward, we were told that there is a very high chance IUI would work for us. But now my husband has said he doesn’t want to spend the money on it. He feels we should just be thankful for the two kids we have and leave it at that.
When I told him my dealbreaker was still a dealbreaker, he asked me how that could be. He said we have two kids and asked why they aren’t enough. He told me that being biologically related to our kids shouldn’t be all that matters to me.
I told him I will always be their stepmom. Even though their mom passed away, I will forever be the stepmom, and she will forever be their mom. I love them deeply, but I also want to be someone’s mom. That has not changed.
He told me I was being unreasonable. He said that if I leave, I will have destroyed our family and the kids will suffer. He asked how they would feel knowing they weren’t enough for me. He said I am enough for them, and I responded that I’m not really.
I told him they will always long for memories of their mother that they don’t have. They will always crave something I can never give them. He told his family, and they started questioning me. They asked how I could still consider this a dealbreaker.
They told me that being a true mother would mean giving up my dream of having biological kids and standing by my stepkids, even if they never see me as their mom. They said that doing so would be what truly makes me their mother. One even said that only a monster could make kids lose two mothers.
I have tried to understand why he doesn't want to go through with fertility treatments. I already have the money. I saved for this before we ever met because I always knew it might be necessary. He says the money could be better spent on the family we already have. He says it feels wrong to try so hard when we already have two kids, and he is not willing to change his mind. But neither am I. WIBTA if I still leave?
What do you think?
Beneficial-Figure201 says:
NTA at all! Sounds to me like he strung you along hoping your dealbreaker wouldn't be a dealbreaker. That would be perfect for him, you spend your money on him and his kids and become a stand in mom. He got everything he wanted and hoping for more and you got nothing of what you really wanted. Honestly if I were you I'd be royally pissed.
SureOperation8979 says:
NTA you were upfront, you are not the monster here. it’s the man who is going back on his word.
Cute-Profession9983 says:
Nope. You drew a line in the sand at the start. You're not the one trying to move the goalposts. He's fine with the kids he has, you're not.
No-Sea1173 says:
NTA for leaving. It's absurd, the way people pretend that step- relationships can exactly replace biological ones. You can embrace stepchildren 'as your own' and still want biological children, that's completely valid.
You're husband is the AH for involving his family instead of keeping it between you. He's also the AH for breaking his own family by marrying someone that wants biological children, and then reneging on the deal. This situation is of HIS making.