'AITA for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago?' UPDATED
"AITA for considering leaving my wife who cheated on me 15 years ago?"
My wife cheated on me 15 years ago; her affair lasted a couple of weeks. I was really hurt at the time, but we also had twin daughters who were 3 years old, and for me, my kids were my utmost priority. I did not want them to struggle at all.
So, I decided to stay with my wife, who followed all the reconciliation steps. It took me a couple of years to regain my love for her after she put in a lot of effort to better herself and our relationship. However, I’ve never forgotten the affair, and my wife cheating on me has always been in the back of my mind.
It’s been 15 years now, and our marriage is not without its ups and downs, but we’ve also gone on vacations, have frequent date nights, and our relationship is still pretty romantic. Our daughters turned 18 a few months ago, and they are both in university now. I am really proud of both of them and couldn’t be happier.
But now that they’re both in college and independent, entering adulthood, I have been seriously considering the possibility of a divorce. As a parent, I feel like I have done my job and have done my best to raise them in a loving home.
I do love my wife, and if I ask her for a divorce, it will completely blindside her. But I still haven’t forgotten her cheating 15 years ago, and it will always be on my mind as long as we’re married. Would I be the AH for considering divorce?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
princessauroraaa says:
Wow, this is such a tough situation. First off, you're definitely not the AH for having these feelings 15 years is a long time, but emotional scars don't have an expiration date. You've clearly been a dedicated father and partner, but it's also okay to acknowledge that certain things have been weighing on you for years.
However, if your wife truly has been committed to rebuilding the relationship and you’ve had 15 good years together, blindsiding her now might feel like a betrayal in itself. It might be worth considering counseling to sort through these feelings before making such a life-changing decision.
You owe it to yourself and to her to explore if there's any way to find peace with the past. Ultimately, your happiness matters too, but transparency is key if you’re thinking about leaving. It’s a complicated situation, but whatever you decide, make sure it’s what you genuinely need to heal and be happy.
New_Combination2430 says:
I think when you become an 'empty nester', life kind of hits you in the face, in a way it doesn't when you are in the parenting thick of it. I'd say if you are still thinking about the affair, it is eating you, and you should divorce as amicably as you can, as it will continue to eat away, and that is no way to live.
killerbee9100 says:
My mom told me, "you don't have to stay, but if you do stay, you have to be all in and learn to forgive." I don't have an ah judgement, but I think you should've left 15 years ago if you weren't going to forgive her. Not really for her sake, but for you and your children's sake.
TurtBug says:
NTA - but I’m wondering how you’ll tell your daughters? I’m assuming they don’t know about the affair. I’m genuinely curious, will you now tell them what their mum did or just say you guys fell out of love?
3 days later OP came back with this update:
Thank you all for the valuable advice. While I don’t think I’m going through a midlife crisis, I do agree that I need to take a step back and put everything in perspective before considering such a drastic action as a divorce.
Having said that, I do think I need some space from my wife, and I am going to go on 3 week vacation next month with my sibling, who has been wanting to spend extended sibling time with me for years. I let my wife know about the vacation, and while she was surprised and seemed very sad about being away from me for almost a month, she accepted it.
The vacation and time away from my wife will hopefully give me mental clarity on whether I want to spend the rest of my life with my wife, or whether it's better if we divorce.
After the update here's what people had to say:
Just a question because i read your first post and i want to know did she confess that she cheated on you or did you found out and never confronted her and kept it inside?
FinancialPlantd OP responded:
She confessed.
I would also advise to get therapy, if possible, at least individual. It could help for mental clarity.
FinancialPlantd OP responded:
I tried online therapy for a couple of months, and it wasn't for me. I wasn't really comfortable with it. However, I have been using my sibling as sort of a pseudo therapist since the affair, and she has helped me a lot.
Online therapy probably isn’t what you need for 15 years of built up thoughts.. and can’t say I’d recommend a sibling for that. They may be great but they’ll always be biased and lean towards your side.
Call around a few places or a doctor even.. speaking from experience here but some therapists give some great tools that help ground yourself for future. Just my 2 cents