'I was in love with my coworker for 10 years. I quit my job because of him.' UPDATED

"I was in love with my coworker for 10 years. I quit my job because of him."

I was in love with my coworker for 10 years. I quit my job because of him. I need to write this down. I am in so much emotional pain right now I am physically ill. I’ve been a nurse 10 years. There’s a surgeon I work under I’ve thought about every day, multiple times a day for those 10 years.

I’m an attractive woman who’s always has male attention. Rarely am I ever truly attracted to anyone. But the minute I was around this man I felt the most intense attraction and pull I’ve ever felt in my life.

I am married. He is married. We’ve never done anything intimate or even planned to go out alone together. Trust me the guilt has killed me. I’m not exaggerating this. I’ve gone to therapy for years. My therapist is sick of hearing about him. I’ve journaled. Read books. I just couldn’t stop feeling this way.

I’ve tried telling myself it’s perfectly normal to find others attractive… I need to be an adult and get over it… but 10 years? I realized a few months ago I never will. I think about him multiple times a day and haven’t missed a single day for 10 years. This isn’t normal. I don’t even know what to call this…limerence? Obsession? Love?

I hate my job. But I stayed because I couldn’t not be around this man. It’s like nothing else mattered when I was around him.

I knew this wasn’t normal or healthy. Never in my life have I had this happen. After trying the last 2 years to stop feeling this way I decided to quit my job.

I knew I had to be strong and get away from him to move on. My husband deserves that because he’s a good man and despite this doctor I care about him. This doctor’s wife deserves that. She’s done nothing wrong. Today was my official last day. I’ve been sobbing all day. My soul literally just aches.

He asked me to stay. I burst into tears and left. I feel like a f#$king fool. I’ve never told him how I feel. There is an unspoken attraction between us but I think it stops at just attraction for him. I’m sure he senses how I feel but has no idea the depth my feelings are for him. None of this is normal and if he knew exactly how intense this is for me I’m sure he’d be uncomfortable.

I’ve never felt pain like this. I’m not a teen girl… I’m a woman with a family, house, and career. This man has consumed my thoughts for a good portion of my life. I quit because I had to. My coworkers threw me a going away party. Other surgeons complimented me and wished me well. It didn’t matter. Only he mattered.

I think this is the first time Ive considered ever harming myself. I won’t do that. But I have to be honest this is the only time it’s strongly crossed my mind as an option. That bothers me. I’m trying to do the right thing but this is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.

The commenters did not hold back one bit.

thisislyncanthropy wrote:

Distance will be good for you.

Vdhump1105 wrote:

Does your husband know? I feel like couples therapy could be good here. It sounds like there may be either some unresolved trauma or problems in your marriage. To be so obsessed with someone you can’t go a day without thinking about them must be madness when you can’t do anything about it. I’m sorry to hear your struggles but hopefully you made the right choice today!

OP responded:

He does. I confessed to him years ago…but that was when my feelings were just starting to get bothersome. It would kill him to know how intensely I feel now. It’s just gotten worse. We do have trauma. But he’s a good man. We got pregnant very young and have stayed together to give our child a stable life. I do love him but it’s respectful and deep friendship love.

This doctor…what I feel is so intense I don’t know if it is even love. It’s intense and heavy. It’s something else with him.

blart101 wrote:

Hey there! So, firstly I am so sorry you’re going through this. Truly. Secondly, this sounds like something that grew overtime without a lot of actual contact from the doctor (no dates or real life interactions that would have grown this attraction?) Thirdly, I am a mental health therapist and I am concerned about you having suicidal thoughts.

Your thinking sounds similar to some thinking patterns I have seen before so please hear me out: I’ve come across similar situations before and I suspect it MAY (big maybe because I don’t know you!!) be OCD. OCD doesn’t always look like hand washing or cleaning, it can also manifest as “pure O” or pure obsessional.

It sounds like this started with a genuine attraction, which happens, but to a person with ocd it can morph into what you’re described here which sounds like your own personal hell. A person can have trauma and OCD, or the trauma can manifest with some obsessional coping. I know you have a therapist but therapists often miss OCD and it can go undiagnosed!!

Especially in sneaky cases like this one where it’s not a stereotypical obsession. But all that to say, a screening or dx testing for ocd might be helpful? Some questions to ponder: do you notice that the obsessive thoughts go up and down (increasing during periods of stress and decreasing during periods of calm?), do you have any obsessive/anxious patterns in your thinking?

You have kids: did any obsessive thinking start to manifest postpartum? You sound like a surgical nurse, and sometimes folks with more perfectionistic thinking end up in the medical field. If you decide to go down this road: medication can be really helpful with obsessive thinking brought on by OCD, as well as ERP and ICBT. A cool podcast is: OCD Stories.

I may be completely wrong but just in case this is what you are suffering with, I want you to know there is hope where you won’t have to think about this man everyday. You can learn to manage those thoughts and behaviours in a way that frees you To live a full and happy life with people who can actually be with you. Sending you so much love. I’m sorry this is happening to you.

chocolatewafflecone wrote:

Get a different therapist. Congratulations on quitting your job. This was the right thing to do all along. I’d love to hear an update in 6 months.

A day later, OP shared an update.

I just woke up and there are a lot of comments to address. I wrote this because I am very mentally unwell right now and I need to get this out. If you don’t want to give me compassion that’s fine. It wasn’t what I was looking for.

I started this career when I was very young, and this surgeon has singled me out and constantly showered me with attention.

I am the biggest piece to blame in this. He knew what he was doing, and he loved having my attention and affection.

It took me many years to realize this. He wanted me always with him and would pair us together. My boss has recognized this and even told me what he was doing was not okay. She’s tried to override his authority in the past but he has too much power with the hospital. He kept me close for selfish reasons. I’m not sure about his end goal. He may have just loved the ego boost and how I made him feel.

Whatever it was it doesn’t matter. It held me back in multiple areas of my life. It is my fault staying way too long. I’m not trying to make up excuses. I just put so much schooling and time in this career I thought I could have my cake and eat it too. I thought at some point things would get better. But each time they did it’s like I was sucked right back in and right back where I started.

A day never went by I didn’t think about him my entire career. I’m getting a lot of comments saying I’m a terrible person and my husband deserves better. He does deserve better and I’m trying to be better. Maybe me quitting won’t make anything better and our marriage will fall apart.

I have tried to justify that I never did anything physical with this doctor so it’s OK. But the truth is how long this has been going on has been incredibly damaging to my self-esteem and my marriage. But many of you are correct. I was addicted to feeling seen and recognized and important at this job for so long. I saw and dealt with terrible things at this job.

Many of you have also made negative comments about nurses always cheating. I hope that you realize it takes two people to cheat. Doctors also play into this. It does happen at hospitals more than other places. The more traumatic the job role the more likely cheating would happen.

You’re around each other so much and you bond over the terrible experiences you have together. It’s like you forget what reality is outside of your job. You make impulsive choices and it gets to a point your spouse can no longer relate to you. It doesn’t justify cheating but it is a reality and risk many people should realize exists. I no longer have any love for this career and I never want to go back.

Edit 1: Someone mentioned doctors divorce rate is the lowest and nurses is the highest. Trust me the doctors cheat almost as much as nurses. They just have less consequences and can hide it.

The comments kept coming.

Lazy-Instruction-600 wrote:

All that divorce rate says to me is that a lot of people are prepared to put up with cheating doctors if it means staying married to someone who makes a lot of money or has prestige in the community.

One_Arm4148 wrote:

I admire your courage in telling your truth. You’ve given me an understanding of how these things can happen in a work environment. Yes nurses and doctors have a terrible tendency to commit adulterous behaviors. You hit the nail on the head when explaining as to why.

You’ve made the right decision to leave and I always say, it’s better to be late than never at all. Please don’t harm yourself. The people who love you, need you to stay and be healthy. I’m in a situation currently where the doctor has developed feelings for me. He too is married. I’m single but I would never get involved with a married or taken man.

Do I find him attractive? Yes but I think all of us as humans can acknowledge when a person is attractive without anything coming from it emotionally. This is the 3rd doctor I’ve worked with that this has happened. All three have been married. I’m realizing that I must quit this job and I can no longer work for doctors moving forward.

It took 16 years for me to learn this lesson. Because of what’s transpired at my workplace with the current doctor, I know now that I must open my own business so this can’t happen ever again. I won’t be working with men at all from here on out. I’m scared to fail but I feel this is my only choice if I am to succeed long term.

I can’t allow these men to continue to have power over my future job security. It’s going to be hard, I’m going to have to do everything on my own but it must be done. You have chosen the right path in leaving and even though you’re struggling emotionally, you will be in a much better place a year from now.

You’ll look back on this moment as a distant memory that brought you to exactly where you needed to be. Grieve this chapter of your life that’s closing. Once you’re ready, there’s a new chapter waiting to be discovered. Best of luck to you. This will pass. Believe. 🙏🏼✨💜.

OP responded:

Yes. I’ve also had multiple doctors have feelings for me. It made me feel very very uncomfortable. All married. This one is the only one I liked. And obviously that’s putting it lightly. I would probably have taken a bullet for this man I admired him so much.

In my life I’ve only been very attracted to a handful of people. Doctors have a very low divorce rate while nurses divorce rate is one of the highest. It’s because doctors can cheat and still have their wife at home. They can hide it easily and the hospital will cover it up if they can. Doctors are valuable and make money.

Nurses are constantly under appreciated and burnt out. We are disposable. Being given any admiration or attention feels so good because it’s so rare. If we give into cheating then our career is basically over. Good for you for getting out. You will succeed. Staying is a lose-lose situation.