'AITA for going on my honeymoon without my wife?' UPDATED

"AITA for going on my honeymoon without my wife?"

Hot-Fly-1091 writes:

I just got married. My wife, Tonya, basically raised her sister, Marie, after their mom passed away. Even after their dad remarried, Tonya and her sister were more like mother and daughter than sisters. Marie got married last year and got pregnant right away. No, not before—they figure they got pregnant on their honeymoon.

Marie went into premature labor at our wedding reception. She gave birth to a tiny but healthy baby girl, and for some reason, Tonya decided that she needed to go take care of her. We were supposed to leave for our honeymoon two days after our wedding, but Tonya said she couldn't just leave.

She isn't a doctor or a nurse. Marie has a dad, a stepmom, a husband, and a mother and father-in-law. I don't understand why she had to go. But we had nonrefundable tickets, and insurance didn't cover "I have to stay and take care of my sister" as part of the coverage.

Plus, I had booked two weeks off for my wedding and honeymoon. So, since I was going to be home by myself doing nothing while my wife was in another city doing whatever, I went on the honeymoon by myself.

I got a massive bed all to myself. I used all the resort credits that were meant for couples' massages, romantic excursions, and special meals on deep-sea fishing and a dune buggy tour of the island. I just got back, and my wife is still with her sister. But she is upset that I went on our honeymoon by myself.

Was I supposed to let the money go to waste? Was I supposed to sit at home playing Diablo while I waited for her to be done? We are fighting about it. My friends all agree that I would have been dumb to waste the money and my time off.

Her friends think I was a jerk to go enjoy myself while she was taking care of her sister and a new baby. I will add that there was no place for me to stay at Marie's house. Tonya is sleeping in the nursery since the baby is still in the NICU.

Here are the top comments:

New-Jellyfish6737 says:

INFO, did you discussed prior to the wedding/honeymoon what would you do if her sister went into labor? Did she give any hints that she was planning to be with her sister when her baby was born?

OP responded:

The baby wasn't due for more than a month after the wedding. So no. I knew she would go see her sister and probably take care of her a little. But I would be back at home after our honeymoon. And back working. I would be busy.

PerceptionSoggy2257 says:

The baby was a month early and has been in the NICU for over 2 weeks? Googling an average stay, 6 weeks early normally has a week or 2 stay. 4 weeks early just a few days unless there are complications. If the baby is still at the hospital there may be something wrong and that makes your wife's concern more valid.

OP says:

I was only gone for ten days. It hasn't been two weeks yet.

Positive-Piccolo-760 says:

As someone who also had a baby in the NICU, you’re NTA (Not the A^&@ole). Your wife is basically there to emotionally support her sister. Babies in the NICU are surrounded 24-7 by still nurses and doctors. And they’re only allowed a few visitors for a limited amount of time per day. So there is really nothing for your wife to do except hold her sister’s hand.

Which may be really important. Having a baby in the NICU is scary. I was worried all the time. If they’re really close and that’s all she’s doing, then support her decision. But you were not needed in this scenario and the tickets would have been a total loss. Plus, it’s your vacation too. So NTA. However, you both need to sit down and work this one out or it will fester.

Successful_Bath1200 says:

NTA (Not the A^@%ole). Would have been a massive waste to not take the honeymoon. It is your wife's loss that she didn't go, There were plenty of people to look after her sister. Remind your wife that she could have gone on the Honeymoon, she chose not to!

Does not bode well for your married life, she was willing to abandon you and leave you alone after your wedding. Marie's Dad, Stepmom, her husband, and mother and father in law were all there, your wife should have gone with you. I suspect you now know how much she actually thinks of you.

helpthe0ld says:

NTA and I say that as a mother who had twins in a NICU for 9 days. While the baby is in the NICU, there's truly not much to do for anyone as the baby is getting the best of care in the hospital.

We were even going through a kitchen renovation at the same time (yeah for early babies!) and I could barely stand to have anyone around hovering over me with all the racket and visiting the NICU every day, we even sent my mom home after a few days because she started cleaning everything (that was just going to get dirty again with the renovation dust) and driving me bonkers.

Your SIL will need support when the baby comes home but I think it was wrong for your new wife to bail on your honeymoon to do pretty much nothing. Postponing a few days to make sure everything was ok or checking in daily would be the most I'd be willing to do and I'd personally be rethinking this relationship. Family does come first but you are now her family and your SIL has plenty of support during this rough time.

A month later OP came back with this update:

The baby, Emily, is home and healthy. Just tiny.

My sister in law kicked my wife out the day the baby came home. Tonya wouldn't let her do anything. Marie told her that she had plenty of help. Tonya said she didn't mind sticking around. Marie told her that her and her husband did have a problem with it. Marie also told all her relatives that if Tonya was staying with them they weren't allowed over until she left.

Tonya asked if would mind if she rented an Airbnb so she could stay nearby. I said I would prefer if she came home. We had an argument. I said that we should just not actually get married if this was going to be my life.

Tonya came home to fight face to face.

We had the fancy wedding and reception in Iowa for her family. We were going to get "officially" married in Colorado after we got back from the honeymoon.

She wants to know why I'm having second thoughts. I showed her the original post and how almost 50% of the comments were calling for an annulment.

I said we are both young and can walk away without losing much. All the gifts are in her dad's garage and they are easy enough to return.

I said that there was no way I was going to out up with being the third wheel in our marriage.

She has agreed to start going to counseling and we are going to hold off on getting the paperwork settled for one year to give her a chance to decide what she wants. If she says that her sister comes first after one year then I'm out. That's all. No more drama.

Thanks for everyone who told me where I stood. I love Tonya but I love myself too. Everyone who said I was an asshole for not understanding why she was needed can suck it.