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Teen’s loyalty to mom tested as stepmom refuses to stop mocking her parenting. AITA? + UPDATED 2X

Teen’s loyalty to mom tested as stepmom refuses to stop mocking her parenting. AITA? + UPDATED 2X

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"AITA for threatening my dad that I will live with my mom full time if my step mom doesn't stop bashing her parenting skills?"

I (15M) have been alternating weeks between my parents homes basically my whole life. They split up when I was a baby and have both remarried since. I've been happy for the most part. I love my step dad and my siblings (have some on both sides). My only issue has been my step mom.

To be honest, I wouldn't say I had any real issues in the past. I do find her more annoying with more strict rules then what I have at my moms house (She's a Vice Principal, very serious,) but recently, she has been taking shots to my dad and I about my mom and step dad. (Which might have always been a thing, but now that I'm older she is just doing it more infront of me?)

Saying things like she doesn't take my education seriously, she's never grown up, they flaunt their money in front of her and my dad, they spoil me, they let me get away with everything. I honestly don't even know where she comes up with this. My dad doesn't really say anything, agrees occasionally, but it's been making me angrier and angrier.

Obviously, I would never admit it to my dad, but I do love my mom more. She is like the most awesome and important person to me, and hearing my step mom say crap just made me boil over.......

I finally broke and yelled at her after she blamed my mom for me getting a poor mark on an exam. I told her to shut her mouth about my mom and that if she said one more word, I would pack a bag and stay with my mom permanently.

My dad flipped and yelled at me to apologize, but I told him if he didn't make her apologize that I was leaving. He said my mom would never allow it, and I made the mistake of saying we talked about it before. He then called my mom and started a fight with her..... thinking she put me up to this. I couldn't handle it, so I left the house and called my step dad to come get me.

I've been at my mom's, but my dad's been texting and calling every day, jumping from begging me to come home, apologizing, to getting into fights with my mom and step dad. I feel like an AH for causing a huge fight between my families.....

A few hours later, the OP returned.

Thank you everyone for the replies so far. I know I shouldn't have said it was something my mom and I talked about. We did a few years ago when I was like 12 when I wanted to stay longer at my moms and had like a moment where I got upset and told her it was hard sometimes not seeing her for a week, but that was the only time it was ever mentioned.

So I feel like an ass for saying it. As for people asking me about custody agreements, I don't think there is any? They had me really young (20 years old) and they split when I was a baby.

I was with my mom all the time till I was 3 or 4 and then I started spending more consecutive days with my dad. My mom also has never asked my dad for child support and to be honest, I don't think she would even if I stayed full time.

Later that same day, the OP returned with an update.

So I have spoken with my mom about it and it probably made me more mad at the situation. She didn't have a bad word to say about my Dad or my Step Mom. I told her what that were saying about her and SHE apologized to me.

Saying she loves me, that she's sorry I had be apart of those conversations, that she has big shoulders and can take the criticism and will make it clear to my Dad and Step Mom that if they have concerns that they can address it with her and my Step Dad and leave me out of it.

That she would love to have me full time but doesn't want me to make a decision to not see my dad and my other siblings (who I do miss) because of her. I told her I can't stand the way they talk about her and she didn't really say anything.

She just kind of started crying, saying I had a big heart and that she loved me. She told me she will deal with my dad and to let her know when I'm ready to talk to him about the situation.

Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's final post:

Foofieness

NTA. There is no way your stepmom should say a damn word about your mom or stepdad in front of you. It's rude.

NTA, your father has no business whatsoever being mad at you or your mom, the only person he should be blaming is his rude immature wife. No child wants to hear their parents being openly bashed in front of them.

That’s extremely hurtful, your father failed to protect you and is now blaming everyone but the guilty party for the predicament he’s in. One of your parents definitely hasn’t grown up, but it sure as hell not your mom.

Agreed , it’s ridiculous that your step mom feels like she can trash your mother. Your father needs to step up and protect you from that . Hang in there kid.

DubiousPeoplePleaser

Send you dad a text message.

“Your wife badmouthing my mom is not okay. Not in any way, shape or form. I want a sincere apology and I expect you to back me up on this. If she ever pulls that crap again, then I will be telling the courts about her attempts of parental alienation and asking mom to change the custody.

This is my decision and mom has not influenced me in any way. In the past I haven’t really had any problems with your wife. I find her sometimes annoying, but we got along fine enough.

But I’ve started to dislike her more and more for every horrible thing she says about my mom. And I realized I don’t need to have terrible people like that in my life unless I want to. So either she apologizes and stops, or I will remove her from my life the moment I turn 18.

Only you will be invited to events. Don’t bother trying to argue with me or trying to negotiate. Any attempts at that will not be answered. An apology or I stop coming over.”

NTA — it’s important for a child to have both parents respected. Even if your dad isn’t the one saying undermining things, he’s not setting limits to make sure you feel respected and comfortable at your house. Maybe tell your dad you need some time and space to calm down, but he & his wife need to respect your needs.

Emphasize that you do want to resolve this, but you need some space to become less angry & him starting fights with your mom & lobbing accusations at her is just making the entire dynamic worse and making you feel less respected and loved by him. Sorry you’re dealing with this, just remember that you’re never too old to get a big hug from your mom.

NTA - You're totally right, your stepmom should not be talking about your mother this way. And your dad should be telling her to back off. You're right to stay at your mom's. I can tell by the way you wrote this that you're very mature, trust your instinct.

NTA. Your stepmom has been engaging in parental alienation. Even if you weren't of an age to choose for yourself, this is the kind of behavior that the courts would recognize and possibly respond by removing you from your dad's care.

Mention this to your dad. This is actual abuse and you should not be used as a tool in your stepmom's grudge (or self-entitled sense of superiority) against your mother. You have absolutely nothing to apologize for, and you were right to get out of there. The grownups around you behaving badly is not your fault.

You've made your stance clear. If your dad and stepmom don't apologize, then you won't be staying with them anymore. I think that's fair, since they've been disrespectful towards your mom.

They need to respect your boundaries and understand that their behaviour is not acceptable. If your dad truly values his relationship with you, then he will agree to your terms and tell his wife to back off. Otherwise, he will just have to settle for losing you.

So, what do you think about this one? If you could give the OP any advice here, what would you tell them?

Sources: Reddit
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