'AITA for telling my dad's wife I will never consider naming my child after her mother?'
"AITA for telling my dad's wife I will never consider naming my child after her recently deceased mother?"
Remarkable_Roll_7685 writes:
I’m currently 29 weeks pregnant with a girl. My husband and I have already chosen her name, as well as two backups in case it doesn’t suit her. My dad’s wife lost her mother a little under a year ago. They were extremely close and her passing was unexpected, so she’s not coping well.
My husband and I are trying to be as helpful and accommodating as possible, but we don’t live in the same country as them anymore, so there isn’t much we can do. Back in February, my dad and his wife came to visit us for 10 days to celebrate our son’s birthday. This was our first time seeing them after her mother’s passing, and their first time seeing me pregnant.
Early during the trip, we had dinner together. We all started talking about my pregnancy and the baby, and when my dad asked if we had any names in mind, his wife stopped us. She asked us if we could consider naming our daughter after her mother. She said she had been wanting to ask us this since she learned we were having a girl, and it would mean a lot to her if we could honor her mother like that.
I don’t think I have to justify why I wouldn’t do that, but in case I do, I never liked her mother or thought of either of them as family. Even if I did, my husband doesn’t like the idea of using our children’s names as tributes, so we wouldn’t name them after any of our deceased loved ones.
My husband and I were taken aback. My dad looked a little awkward, so I think he was already expecting her to bring that up. I said I was sorry, but we had already chosen the name and weren’t interested in changing it. The mood died a bit, but we did manage to change the subject and enjoy the rest of the evening.
My dad’s wife was quieter than usual for the next few days, but she didn’t bring that up again until the final night of their trip. Everyone was at our place. She pulled me aside and, once again, expressed how perfect it would be for us to “keep her mother's memory alive” by naming a child after her. She started talking about how much she would have loved it, and how a beautiful name such as hers shouldn’t go to waste.
I interrupted her and said there is zero chance we would ever consider naming our child after her mother. I told her it would never be up for discussion, and for her own sake, she needs to accept that and stop bringing it up.
I was admittedly harsher than I’d intended, but I’m not sure she would have gotten the message otherwise. She barely spoke to me and my husband until she and my dad flew home the next day.
My dad and I have been talking about this. He agrees with our refusal (he didn’t really like his mother-in-law either, though he never admitted it), but thinks I shouldn’t have turned his wife down like that. He told me she’s still dealing with her mother’s passing, and I should’ve been more sympathetic.
He’s insistent she wouldn’t mind our daughter’s name if we at least told her we’d consider honoring her mother. I don’t think humoring her would have been the best call, but I am worried I was too harsh. AITA?
OP posted an update 4 months later.
I gave birth to a healthy baby girl back in May. She’s now a month old and thriving. We’re all in love with her. My husband and I decided to go with our first choice for her name (truth be told, the backups didn’t stand a chance), and it suits her perfectly.
My dad stopped bringing up the subject of how I’d talked to his wife a few weeks after my first post. The last thing he said about this essentially boiled down to “be nice to my wife, but for the love of God don’t name my granddaughter after my mother-in-law.” He wanted to visit us this month to meet the baby, but I told him to wait a while longer. The house is a mess and we’re still getting used to having two kids.
His wife has been very detached from anything that concerns my daughter. She spent the weeks leading up to my baby’s birth radio silent. She usually lives on her phone and texts frequently, so I figured she was still upset.
Both my and my husband’s families like our daughter’s name. My dad in particular complimented it a lot. His wife did not react to it. My aunt visited them recently, and she later told me that while my dad would show her pictures and videos of my daughter, his wife avoided the topic entirely, and was cold whenever someone tried to get her to engage.
To be clear, none of that ever bothered me. But this behavior was very out of character for her. When I was pregnant with my son, she created a group chat with my whole paternal family (and her mother) to start a countdown for his birth. She was my only acquaintance who protested when I said I didn’t want pictures of my child posted online.
About a week ago, my dad’s wife called me. She reiterated that she felt I wasn’t being very understanding of what she’s going through, but apologized for how cold she’s been lately. During the call, she explained that losing her mother had made her regret her decision not to have kids.
Her mother had always wanted to be a grandmother, and she wishes she could have given her the opportunity to experience that. She took her mother’s passing very hard, and it made her reflect about various things she wishes she’d done differently, but the news of my second pregnancy intensified that regret in particular.
My dad’s wife said that she’ll always wish I’d named my daughter after her mother, but still accepts the name I chose. She also told me she’ll start seeing a therapist soon. I was mostly quiet during the call, because frankly, I didn’t know how to react. Having since had time to think about what she said, I’m a little freaked out.
It’s still hard to explain how I feel, and this isn’t even close to my top concern right now, but I didn’t see this coming. I almost feel bad admitting this, but I’m very glad we’re in different hemispheres. I can’t imagine what she’s going through, and I wish her nothing but the best, but I don’t think being close to my family right now would be good for either of us.
Thinking back to how I handled things when she first asked us to use her mother’s name, I’m pretty sure I made the right call. I sincerely wish I’d been more polite, but humoring her would have probably led to a much bigger headache.
I’m not sure when we’ll see her again, but it won’t be until next year. My dad will come visit us in October, but she won’t come with him. When she does meet my daughter, I hope she’s doing better. Right now, I’ll focus on my children. Postpartum sucks, and my husband and I are still getting adjusted to being a family of four, but we love both our kids so much. I don’t know how I got so lucky.
People responded to OP's post.
That_Bad_1174 says:
You were right to stick to your guns about your daughter's name. Humoring her would have likely created more problems.
Longjumping-Ebb2325 says:
NTA. You did the right thing by standing your ground.
FeedsBlackBats says:
It is good that she has put space between herself and your family, as well as going to get therapy - I'd be concerned she would see your daughter as a reincarnation of her Mother, or a way to honor her Mother by making a bond with your daughter leading to being OTT and/or leaving your son out. Not using the name was definitely the right call.
OP responded:
Using the name was never an option. I really did not like her mother, and neither did my husband. Plus, we didn't really like the name, either. My concern on my original post was whether I'd been too harsh.