'AITA for telling my half siblings I will never regret choosing to live with my grandparents over them and their mom?'
"AITA for telling my half siblings I will never regret choosing to live with my grandparents over them and their mom?"
I (33m) lost both of my parents by the time I was 10. My mom when I was 5 and my dad when I was 9. My dad had remarried and had a kid with his wife and they had another on the way when he died. My grandparents and dad's widow fought for custody of me and because I wanted to be with my grandparents, they won the custody battle.
I didn't spend a lot of time with my half siblings back then and I resisted playing happy families with them and their mom. She wanted me with them and she felt like I belonged with them but I felt like I belonged with my real family and luckily that's where I was. For years I had no contact with my half siblings at all.
This all changed three years ago when they reached out and said they wanted to know me and have me in their lives. We talk once a month and DM a little in between. They want the relationship with me more than I do.
But even more than that, they have expressed on a number of occasions that they feel like the courts made the wrong decision and they feel my choice was wrong. They keep looking for me to regret the choice. And they have mentioned several times that their mom has longed for a relationship with me and misses me.
A few times they called their mom my mom. I corrected them and would always make it clear I never considered her my mom. They never understood this and they questioned me on this and I always answered.
Last time we talked they told me they need to hear me say I regret choosing to live with my grandparents over them and their mom. They said it's something that haunted their family for years. And they need to know if I could go back I'd make a different decision.
I told them that would be a lie and I have never regretted it. I told them being raised by my family was better than being raised by the woman my dad married. I said I never thought of her as a parent or as my family.
They asked me how I could get to my age and have kids (I have three) and feel that way. They told me being raised by a parent would have been better than being raised by grandparents. I said if I had a parent then yes, but I didn't.
Both my parents are dead and their mom was never one of mine. Then they had me confirm my lack of regret and they said I was cold and should have a heart considering their mom fought so hard for me and loved me as her own. I refused to apologize and they were more than happy to talk at me for hours about how awful I am. Instead of listening I ended the call. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
NTA. They’re mad you didn’t trauma bond with their mom just because she wanted to be your mom. You were a grieving kid, not a consolation prize. Choosing your grandparents wasn’t cold it was choosing love and stability. They need therapy, not your regret.
Beuderud (OP)
And in all honesty they would not have had a very good life if I had lived there. I'd have been so bitter to be raised by her. Maybe she would have eventually put me in foster care when she realized I didn't want to be with her. So we have no idea if the fantasy would become reality.
So they are angry because their fantasy and your reality don't match.
Beuderud (OP)
Yes and really it is a fantasy. They have no idea how it would've turned out if she had won.
Sounds like their mom has spent the intervening years telling them over and over that you were coerced and you would have been loved and been part of the family. Kids lap that stuff up and it sinks deep into their soul.
Now they are grown and want their moms fantasy to be true, and to have it resolved with a group hug like some kind of Hallmark movie. If it was me I'd have been irritated to the point on blocking the lot of them.
NTA, as you said, she is not your parent and there was no reason for you to want to live with them when you had loving grandparents willing to raise you...You have a right to your feelings and them to theirs, however, trying to pressure you to express regret on something you obviously don't its a bit manipulative and entitled, and it is weird they keep insisting on it.
Beuderud (OP)
They likely grew up hearing their mom talk about the custody battle, the fact she saw me as her son and how much it hurt her to have me leave. So I can understand it to a point. But the fact I have not desired a relationship with their mom now should tell them where I stand on this today.
NTA - how could they possibly know your life would have been better?
I don't know man, they have an unhealthy obsession over something that can't be undone. Move forward.
Beuderud (OP)
It's how they imagine it. I think they imagine all of us being better off when the reality would likely have been very different.
NTA. Call me cynical, but I can't figure why Step Mom would want to raise someone else's kid unless there was money attached. Did either of OP's parents have an estate, or was Social Security survivor benefits involved? Whoever raised the kid, had control of the assets maybe?