'AITA for having boundaries over how I'll participate in my dad's wedding and life?'
"AITA for having boundaries on how I'd be willing to participate in my dad's wedding?"
FewImpression6465 writes:
My dad is engaged to his partner of about two years. They moved in together last month and their wedding is in December. I (17M) am Dad's only biological kid. His almost-wife has three kids of her own. Her kids are younger, like under 10, maybe they are even all under 8. I am not that sure.
They decided they want to do a family unity ceremony and have it be about becoming one family instead of the two of them being a married couple. His future stepkids are excited by the idea and want to take part. I do not and will not take part.
I already explained to him that I am not interested and cannot be talked into it. He asked me why and pushed for me to reconsider. He told his wife and she is freaking out because her kids have this idea that they will get a big brother out of this marriage and my dad and she told the kids we will be real siblings once the two of them are married.
All of this despite the fact I really do not know her or her kids. I have really only spent any real time with the kids twice and it was more me trying not to be a jerk than me wanting to spend time or get to know them. I think that is obvious because I do not know their actual ages.
Some background to explain some relationship dynamics because I am sure there are questions. My dad raised me alone. My mom took off when I was less than a year old. I do not remember her. I do not remember her being around.
Her family was not around or in my life either. I did not have a lot of family besides my dad growing up, except for one of his siblings. For most of my life, Dad was a good dad. But when I was maybe 11, he started preparing me for the fact he wanted his own life and to travel the world when I turned 18 and I would be on my own.
He talked about how I should not expect to see him very often and to expect we might not see each other for years sometimes and how he does not want to be tied down until he dies. That he would call or answer calls when he was not busy with life. He said some things that made me believe he resented the fact he raised me alone and had to change his life for me.
He never actually let up on that. He talked about it so much that we started to fight and I told him I got it and he was done being a dad at 18 and he told me I was being dramatic. I argued that he told me I could go five or maybe even more years without seeing him and he did not want to be tied down.
That he might even ignore calls so he could "live life." I told him that sounded like he wanted to stop being a dad. He told me I focused on the wrong parts. When we argued about it other times, he said that he wanted the life he missed out on and he was not waiting around for me to be ready.
That I would land on my feet eventually and I would not be his kid anymore, I would be his peer. Which he then said I picked up wrong. But basically, for years I have been prepared to leave at 18 and not have my dad in it.
Then he met his almost-wife and all that talk about traveling the world was gone. He started to become a dad to her kids. He was spending time with them and building a life with them. Eventually, he tried to include me but that was only really in the last four or five months.
But I have ignored it. I did babysit twice for them. Once when his almost-wife was rushed to the hospital and the second time when his almost-wife had a follow-up surgery for health issues she has.
My dad has tried to argue that our family is growing and I should be trying harder to be included in it. I told him that will not happen. And if he wants whatever half-hearted relationship he planned to have with me before, then he needs to accept that.
That I will come to his wedding if he wants me there, as long as he accepts I will not be a part of that ceremony. And if he cannot accept it, then I will not go and he will need to accept that.
His almost-wife heard us talk it out and she said I am not taking the 11 good years into it and I am punishing her children for my dad not being perfect and that is not fair to them. She told me a good person would be glad.
Dad decided to stick around and love the new people, especially the kids, and want better for them. AITA? And for full disclosure, I have about a month to go until I am 18 and my plan is to move out that day.
OP responded to some comments.
Ok_Childhood_9774 says:
NTAH. Your dad set the parameters of your relationship when you were still young and drummed them into your head. Now that his priorities have changed, he acts surprised that you are not interested in a different relationship. Go live your life.
OP responded:
He must have expected me to be the same upset 11 year old who first found out what his dad had planned. But I knew he was serious so I thought about and planned for when that time comes.
Bluewaveempress says:
I'm just thinking I'm little you hearing all this and wondering what your future would hold if you couldn't make it on your own at 18. This is not a good parent by the way regardless of how you may felt he was good to you before all that.
OP responded:
He must have expected me to be the same upset 11 year old who first found out what his dad had planned. But I knew he was serious so I thought about and planned for when that time comes.
What do you think?