'AITA for not forgiving my ex-best friend because she thought I tried to steal her BF?' UPDATED
"AITA for refusing to forgive my ex best friend after 6 years?"
OP writes:
I (28F) used to be best friends with Anna (28F) since high school. She was popular and outgoing, while I was the introverted "nerdy" friend. In high school, I had a crush on Ethan (28M), but I assumed he’d prefer Anna, so I stayed out of it. They started dating, and I supported her with reluctance because of their toxic, on-and-off relationship. Over time, I grew to dislike Ethan because he was rude and mean.
They broke up when we were 21 but got back together a year later and eventually got engaged at 23. Three months before the wedding, Ethan drunkenly called me, asking why I rejected him. I dismissed him, said he was drunk, and ended the call. The very next day, I was kicked out of group chats and ghosted by everyone else in our friend circle.
When I texted my friends to ask what happened, they gave me the silent treatment. When I reached out to Anna, I found myself blocked. Desperate, I even tried calling Ethan, but my number was blocked too. I had no idea what I’d done wrong, and I wished someone would tell me.
That week was hell. Anna’s silence hurt the most because, at the time, she meant everything to me. I barely slept, battling panic attacks at night while trying to keep it together for class during the day. If not for my supportive roommates who helped me through my panic attacks, I don’t know how I would have made it through.
Anna and I attended the same local university but took different courses. I waited for her outside her class. When she came out with her friends, I pulled her aside and asked what was going on.
She accused me of being a fake friend who tried to steal Ethan. I denied her accusation and asked for proof, but she went silent and left. They didn’t unfriend me on Facebook but kept posting about their hangouts and the bridal shower, along with indirect jabs at me. I eventually deleted my old account and changed my number. I slowly rebuilt my self-esteem and moved on.
I recently created a new Facebook account. A few days ago, I was added to a group chat for our upcoming reunion, which I had no idea about. They greeted me, calling me "class president" as if they hadn’t shunned me six years ago.
I left the group, but they kept messaging me. Anna kept calling, so I finally picked up out of annoyance. She told me that she was sorry for everything and wished for me to come to the class reunion party. The party didn’t seem to be complete without the class president every year.
She told me that she divorced Ethan after two years of marriage. She tried to reach out to me but couldn’t find any of my socials or contact info after we graduated. I asked her why she was telling me all this when she was not important to me anymore. She cried. I ended the call and continued ignoring their messages on Messenger.
My family says forgiveness is for my own peace and that it doesn’t mean forgetting. But I don’t feel anything anymore, only indifference. I don’t owe them anything to ease their guilt. So, AITA
Here are the top rated comments that OP responded to:
Ok-Season5497 says:
If I was you I'd steer clear. The fact that you said you had to rebuild yourself says alot. For being such "good friends" they sure abandoned you without even trying to see your side. They are either all dumb as f%#k or not worth another thought.
OP responded:
Yes, I felt deeply humiliated. My self-esteem plummeted, and I felt so small. But thanks to the kindness of those around me, my roommates and coursemates, I was able to rebuild myself and rise again. But still, I want answers but I'm afraid they are planning something or things like that. Like humiliating me at the reunion party. Maybe I watch too much Kdrama and Cdrama
l3ex_G says:
Wonder if they are worried that people will judge that you aren’t friends with them anymore and they want to pretend like they weren’t a%#holes.
OP responded:
Our school is a tightly knit community where everyone in the same grade knows each other. The other friends from other classes actually distanced themselves from Anna and my other classmates.
OP provided an update:
Just a quick disclaimer: I created my Facebook account two weeks ago after mustering the courage to face my past trauma. I used fake names and ages for anonymity. In reality, we’re all 29. My friendship with Anna fell apart when I was 23, and now, six years later, we’re 29. I know no one has noticed this so far, but I just wanted to clarify.
Some people from my previous post suggested that I reach out to Ethan. However, before I could do so, he reached out to me first. Yesterday, I received a friend request from him, along with a message saying "Hi" in Messenger. So, we talked. He invited me for coffee this weekend so we could talk about it. I told him not to push his luck and just answer me.
I asked him about his call that night. Since most boys were too intimidated to approach me, they often asked Anna to convey their feelings to me. Ethan was one of them. Apparently, a lot of boys had a crush on me back then.
But at the time, only Anna received open confessions, so I assumed I was undesirable—not that it mattered to me. I was foolishly infatuated with Anna, so much so that I would have rolled out a red carpet for her to walk on if I could. She was my entire world back then.
Not even once did I ever hear about any boys in high school liking me from Anna. Apparently, Anna would always come back to them with her apologetic face, telling them that I had rejected them and repeating the insults I had supposedly said about them.
No wonder some people back in high school called me arrogant and disliked me for some reason. I just thought it was because I was a strict class president and student committee member. Unlike Anna, who was friendly and charming, I was strict, sharp-tongued, and rarely smiled. I don't owe anyone a smile.
Ethan explained that he was mean to me back then because Anna told him I had said he was "an orphan abandoned by his parents." This was a particularly sensitive topic for him, as he had been raised by his grandparents since childhood.
He later discovered the truth when Anna inadvertently admitted it during an argument. That moment led him to file for divorce. Ethan shared that he genuinely did love Anna, but her constant insecurity and habit of bringing up my name in every argument strained their relationship. She either accused Ethan of still thinking about me or compared him to me.
Anna did find out about Ethan's drunken call that very same night. They had an argument, and Ethan came close to calling off the wedding, but Anna guilt-tripped him into staying. Neither Ethan nor Anna lied or twisted the story.
Anna simply told our entire friend group to stop talking to me. They knew I hadn't done anything wrong, but somehow, it was still my fault that Ethan had unresolved feelings toward me. I was (and still am) an introvert, and most of my friends back then were hers.
It wasn’t surprising that they followed her lead when she turned against me. They were always her friends, not mine. Anna and my ex-classmates then painted me as a villain to the other friends from high school. Ethan didn't do anything to help me because he was manipulated to hate me—his words, not mine.
That’s why I changed my number and deleted all my social media accounts. While no one directly bombarded me with mean messages, I constantly saw posts that seemed to be aimed at me, even though my name was never mentioned.
Ethan only revealed everything to the other friends after his divorce from Anna was finalized. Now, Anna and my ex-classmates are the ones being shunned by the others since two years ago.
Ethan said he owed me an apology, though he knew it wouldn't be enough after everything that happened. While he never smeared my name, he stood on the sidelines and did nothing simply because I "rejected" him and called him an "abandoned orphan" during high school. He asked me if I would be going to the upcoming reunion party.
It turns out the reunion party this time is for the 1995 high school batch. My ex-classmates probably wanted their former class president to attend for appearances. I told him I wouldn't go. He said I could sit with him and his ex-classmates if I wanted to.
Why would I? Brother, eugh. I told him I wouldn’t be attending because I have no friends from high school. He mentioned that the others would be sad if they heard I said that. Well, screw them.
I received a lot more messages from old friends, but I didn't respond to any of them. I have no attachment to them. I told Anna that Ethan already told me everything. She called me on Messenger again, sobbing. She admitted she might have been a terrible friend but that she did care about me.
All those years, I was always on her mind. I was too attached to her back then because she was my first real friend, as I had no friends in middle school. I was too shy and quiet, so I couldn't make friends. Anna taught me how to make friends and overcome my social anxiety and introduced a lot of people to me.
I learned to cook for her and took care of her when she was sick. I even protected her from creeps. Everything I did was for her. Now that I think about it, it was kind of unhealthy. Maybe she wanted me to be that version of myself again, only for her convenience.
She begged me to try again and said she would be a better person for me. But I just ended the call and blocked her. After a few minutes of contemplating, I decided to delete my Facebook account again. I have a feeling that if I didn't, they would keep bothering me. I'll settle for a fake account. The main reason why I made my Facebook account is to play Harvest Town anyway.
Sorry for the long post. This will be my one and only update. I want to thank the four people who personally messaged me on Reddit. Your messages meant a lot, as not many people have done so much for me in my life. I hope my update answered your questions. Farewell.