'AITA because I won’t let friends decide 'who gets me' in their divorce?'
"AITA because I won’t let friends decide 'who gets me' in their divorce?"
Maleficent-Soup-938
I (F) had a very good friend (M) John in high school. He started dating Jane. (all same age). In college I met and married my husband. We all went to the same college and all got along famously. It was really the most ideal thing ever.
One night, now 15 years into our friendship, and 11 years into my marriage, I hear the phone and my husband is basically flying out the door in the dead of night. I said WTF is going on?
He says he can’t tell me. He’s SUPER uncomfortable with this. I see his phone says John. He apologized profusely, says he doesn’t know what to do, he can only say he promised not to say, and left.
I sat up waiting for hours wondering wtf happened! My mind was spinning! Long story short, Jane was cheating on John, doing drugs, and had a hysterectomy behind his back. John left her and gathered “the guys” to tell them.
Husband came home and was surprised I was still there. Apparently Jane was going to meet with me and “the girls” but took drugs and passed out. Messing up the plan to tell everyone equally.
I confronted John saying I was friends with him before Jane! Before ANYONE in the group! Not only that he got my husband to LIE to me?! Unacceptable. He said they agreed Jane “could have me” in the divorce so he didn’t know what else to do. She doesn’t have much family and now fewer to no friends.
John knows I’ve lost family members to drug addiction and the lies and hurt that came out of that. Jane has been using drugs, cheating, and hiding it for like 10 years. She admitted to this. John desperately wanted a big family.
THATS gone. They both knew this is not something I would forgive. Even if I did, it’s MY CHOICE who I decide to have, or not have, as friends. I’m not property to split.
I let it go because I knew John was devastated. They had been TTC and the whole time it was a lie. My husband and I had a talk. I don’t approve but he thought I’d be getting my own call. That I’d be confused and worried for minutes not hours.
Moving forward John says I need to be there for Jane. He invites my husband out but not me. We’re also devastated that our whole social group is imploding. My husband went to a few outings to be supportive and to give John time. It’s been 6 months and still no invites for me.
John has said he has nothing against me in this. Jane came clean and no one in my group is suspected of covering up for her, etc. She simply “asked for me” and it’s “the least he could do”.
The group is divided. Some say I should be there for Jane. I’ve known her most of my life and they say she shouldn’t start from scratch without any friends after a divorce, rehab, etc. On the secret hysterectomy alone I just can’t respect her anymore. I don’t want her as a friend….. but I’m the only one “she asked for”.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AdBroad
Anyone causing division between me and my spouse would be getting cut off I do not care what their personal problem is do not bring that drama to my home and relationship. I would be cutting John and Jane off if they think this is an acceptable way to treat a person let alone two people who are a married couple. period.
Maleficent-Soup-938 (OP)
That’s my husband’s POV too. I encouraged him to hang tight with John and see if he changed his mind when the initial shock of it all wore off. Obviously it’s been 6 months and the holidays are coming. John keeps asking him what I’m getting Jane for Christmas. Nothing, that’s what!!
AdBroad
I think it's time that you and your husband stand as a united front I don't know any husband and wife who would allow this to go on this long. I can understand supporting your friend, but not at the expense of your own relationship. People need to understand you're a package deal you can't pick and choose which one of you get.
My husband told me to add, he would be questioning John why he would think your husband would want you to or be okay with you hanging out with someone like Jane as well. And make sure he knows if the shoe is on the other foot he would no longe be friends with your husband period. Man to man he said lol!
C_Majuscula
NTA. Firstly, what Jane did SHOULD leave her with no friends because it's despicable. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it the friends who choose which divorced partner to back, not the couple? You're right that you're not marital property to be split.
Maleficent-Soup-938 (OP)
Exactly!! So I’m just never allowed to see everyone bc Jane wants me not to? And John’s dumb enough to agree? What about my marriage????
cmh2548
How did no one notice she had a hysterectomy? That is a major surgery. Most of the different options include some sort of scar on the abdomen that John would have noticed.
There’s also no insertion allowed for at least 6 weeks (so no s3x). It takes most women at least that long to feel more normal and resume normal activities without restrictions. She also wouldn’t have periods afterwards. How did her partner not notice any of this?
firewifegirlmom0124
NTA - but my husband would be telling John that he and I are a package deal and that I would not be hanging hot with Jane and unless I was invited he wouldn’t be hanging out with John.