'I won't let my sister meet my son because of her views on surrogacy. AITA?' UPDATED

"AITA? I won't let my sister meet my son because of her views on surrogacy."

When my husband (32m) and I (28m) told our families about our intentions to have a child within the next year, my sister (34f) is the only one who reacted with anything other than support. For our first baby, my husband and I decided on going the surrogacy route. My sister seemingly took this as a personal attack.

She spent the rest of the dinner my parents were hosting essentially ranting about how surrogacy is misogynistic, exploitative, that we're gross for wanting to rent a woman's body. Okay, sure. You can have your thoughts on the process. But it didn't end there.

Every time we gave an update to family and she was in attendance, she would make it a point of reminding us how she felt. Our son was born a little over two months ago. We've been keeping him to ourselves since he was born so his immune system strengthens, but we've been slowly introducing him to more people lately.

My husband's parents came over two weeks ago, and then my parents came last weekend. Yesterday, my sister texted to ask when she could meet the baby and I told her I didn't particularly want someone around him who was so against his entire existence. I said that if she had it her way, my son wouldn't even be here.

She says I'm being unfair, but I just can't imagine her around my child when she was so adamantly disdainful towards us during his conception and throughout the pregnancy. AITAH?

Edit: MY HUSBAND AND I ARE BOTH MEN. It’s in the first line of the post.

The internet did not hold back one bit.

Any-competition-448 wrote:

More info needed: Was your surrogate a friend and/or volunteer with similar wealth / privilege as you? (ie, was she performing a free act of love or was she pushed to surrogacy because of poverty, comes from a country that has been historically exploited by wealthier and more powerful countries, etc?)

OP responded:

We were connected with our surrogate via the agency we went through. And the same can be said for her: she connected with us the same way. It’s a two way street. The comfortability of both parties is considered. Matches are made based on what each party wants.

My husband and I really wanted someone who was open to being in contact with us regularly. She is in a similar tax bracket to us. Our surrogate was a lovely woman who was compensated, yes, but also provided us with this miracle out of love and kindness.

My husband and I are not religious, but we were shown what the best, most pure version of religion can look like through her and her husband. She truly opened our minds and our hearts in ways we never expected, and we’re still friends today.

personal_conflict_49 wrote:

NTA. My friend has been a surrogate and she loves it. She enjoys pregnancy, but didn’t want to have more children. She also loves being able to help couples who were struggling. So your sister can’t speak for all women.

Proof_self9691 wrote:

She’s not against his existence, she’s against the way you went about it and the system that exists as a problem. It’s understandable to voice ethical concerns with a family members action, it’s also understandable to recognize that someone did something you disagree with but that family is family and there’s no point in depriving a child of family bc it didn’t do anything wrong.

writing_mm_romance wrote:

My grandma would say, "you burn a blister, you sit on it"

She should have chosen her words more carefully if she didn't want them to come back and haunt her.

guilty_choice6797 wrote:

NTA. And what is misogynistic is her thinking she can tell other women what to do with their bodies. It’s like “feminists looking down on stay at home moms. Feminism was about women getting to make their own choices.

Urbanhippiestrail responded:

I get where you’re coming from. The idea that it’s a woman’s body and her choice sounds empowering. But the reality behind commercial surrogacy is far more complicated. In most cases, the women who become surrogates aren’t doing it from a place of true agency, they’re doing it because they’re in economically vulnerable situations.

So it’s not exactly a free or empowered choice, it’s often the best option in a bad set of circumstances. That’s not bodily autonomy; that’s survival. Also, once a contract is signed, their lives are heavily controlled. What they eat, how they move, where they live. It’s not empowerment if your body becomes a regulated space for someone else’s benefit.

So yes, on paper it looks like choice. But in practice, it’s a system built on inequality, and that’s why many of us see it as misogynistic. If it’s not something a woman would do without being paid (money, approval, safety, survival, or anything else) , it’s not a real choice. That said, the sister is definitely TA. She didn't need to bash OP for his choices even if she didn't want to be supportive.

Zaula_ray wrote:

NTA. I'd keep her far away from your sweet child. First chance she gets when he's older, she'll probably tell him to his face what she's always felt. She'll probably tell him that he's not really a part of the family. You picked up what she was putting down, and she's getting exactly what she asked for and deserves.

ladypolaris wrote:

The problem with surrogacy is unchecked capitalism, which is also the problem with s#@ work, stay at home parenting, physical labor, etc. Our entire society is built upon the exploitation of people’s labor in various shapes and forms.

There’s a huge range of how demeaning and violating this exploitation is, but it all comes back to the same root source: unchecked greed and treating people like things.

Being a surrogate isn’t inherently exploitative. Being a surrogate out of desperation and lack of other choices is. We don’t know what circumstances OP and his husband’s surrogate was in, so we really can’t judge that. And neither can his sister. NTA, OP.

Three months later, OP shared an update.

My husband and I made the decision to allow my sister to meet our son a few weeks ago. It was my nana's birthday and we thought it would be best to give things a try. Things went well until the topic of us having more children came up. My cousin asked us if / when we planned on having another baby. My sister piped up with, "I hope you meant it when you said you were going to adopt this time."

I know it's not the most egregious of mistakes, but the fact that she still feels so comfortable voicing her opposition to how our son was conceived shows that nothing has changed. We gave her a chance, and now we know we still can't trust her.

We called my parents the next day and let them know what happened and how it made us feel. I just can't trust her around my child / possible upcoming children. I truly think that if we adopted in the future, she'd (at best) show some kind of favoritism, or (at worst) blatantly tell our children that one of them was "unethical."

We're trying to make this as non disruptive as possible for my parents. I told them that we would try to find child care for birthdays and other non-holiday events so that we could still attend, but that our son would obviously be with us on Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc.

I'm not asking them to choose between me or my sister, but that we would have to find an alternate day to celebrate if she's invited to holiday parties. Or that we would have to stagger times so that we won't be there at the same time. I appreciate the advice on my last post. This has been frustrating, to say the least.

The internet was thoroughly invested in the update.

lapsteelguitar wrote:

No. No, do not hide your son from birthdays, and stuff like that. If ever there was a time to make your parents choose, THIS IS IT. NTA.

OP responded:

I clarified this in another comment, but this was always just a near future kind of arrangement. We never planned on doing this once our son is old enough to be aware of these events. But you’re right, even doing it now sets a bad precedent, doesn’t it? The more I think about it, the angrier I get all over again.

mermaidpaint wrote:

If your son stays home on those events, then you should probably stay home too, with your husband. All of you show up or none of you. I think you're a sensitive dad, very clearly trying to protect your son from the negativity that is your sister. Chin up, you've got this.

Hopeful_Damage0419 wrote:

You gave her a second chance. You were fair and she blew it. There shouldn’t be a third chance or a fourth chance or whatever. I applaud you for you telling your parents that hey when it comes to holidays, we’ll celebrate on alternate days so you don’t have to choose between your children. You sound like a real standup guy and I don’t know what your sister‘s hang up is.

You would think she would be overjoyed with you bringing any child into the family whether it’s adopted or a surrogate. Congratulations on your son and any other children that you bring into your marriage/family. I don’t know what your sister’s hangup is, but you are definitely NTA for trying to keep your son away from all that drama.

Visual-Lobster6625 wrote:

I hope you told her that she just blew her only chance to know your child/ren.

OP responded:

I wanted my Nana to have a nice birthday. I also didn’t really have it in me to say anything to her then, because I was feeling so guilty about giving her access to my child at all. We left shortly after and I had a good cry on the way home.

I know he’s not going to remember any of this, but I was just so angry at myself for doubting myself and changing my mind. I’m doing better now. I’m not going to beat myself up for extending an olive branch and trying.

Rredhead926 wrote:

Why should your son be excluded from family events? Seriously... if your sister will be in attendance, then none of you should go. It's not fair to him. You would be the ones treating him like a second class citizen.

OP responded:

This really only applies to the near future. Circumstances will change once he’s older. Really, circumstances might change even before that. This is us trying to keep the peace for my parent’s sake, but their comfort is not going to stop us from prioritizing our son.