'AITA for telling my husband I won’t live under the same roof as his grandmother anymore?'
"AITA for telling my husband I won’t live under the same roof as his grandmother anymore?"
My husband and I have been together for several years and married for one. When I moved in, I moved into his long-standing family setup. He has lived on this property for 13 years.
His grandmother lives in the larger lower-level unit, and we live in the smaller upper unit. It functions like a split-level duplex, but he always refers to it as “one house,” even though they are really two separate living spaces that are connected.
When I first moved in, there was not enough room upstairs, so my son had to sleep downstairs in his grandmother’s unit. He shared a bedroom with my stepson. I hated the setup, but at the time I did not feel like I had the power to demand changes.
Once we got married, I told my husband I was no longer comfortable with my son living on a different floor, especially in someone else’s space. I did not want him to feel like I was choosing my stepdaughter over him or that Grandma’s home was his “real” home instead of being with me.
On top of that, his grandmother does not respect me, my rules, or my boundaries as a parent. She gives the kids whatever they want, overrides me constantly, and treats the kids like they are hers. She sees her home as the primary home, and everything I try to set as a parent gets undone the minute they are with her.
Now I am pregnant, and we are completely out of space. We need an actual family home with privacy, consistency, and boundaries. I suggested two possible solutions. First, we switch homes with his grandmother so we can have the bigger space. Second, we switch homes with his parents across the street.
Every time I try to talk about boundaries, my husband says he does not understand what I mean and thinks I am overreacting. But I feel like we have been living in his family’s world for years and I have just had to adapt. I want our own home, our own routines, and the ability to raise our kids without interference.
So I told him that I no longer want to live under the same roof, or in the same building, as his grandmother. I need a separate and private home environment for our family. He acts like I am being unreasonable for wanting to move or change the setup. AITA for saying I will not continue living under the same roof as his grandmother?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Tanooki07 says:
The time to have this conversation was before marriage and kids not after. In a comment you said your husbands first wife left in part because this - how did you not see this coming? Did you think he would uproot everything for you even though he didn't for the ex-wife?
rocking_womble says:
ESH but, why did you move into a situation you were unhappy with, then double-down and marry yourself into that family's dynamic and then triple-down and get pregnant? Sorry OP but it sounds like you've made a series of poor life choices and are now facing the consequences of them.
FairyCompetent says:
YTA for moving your son into a home where there wasn't space for him. You messed up waaaaay back when you chose this man and his enmeshed family to join. Now you want to change things, but your husband has never, ever, given any indication that this change was something he would ever want or support. You wanted to be with him so badly that you chose not to think about how this would affect your children in the future.
EatsTheLastSlice says:
Why would you bring another child into this mess when it hasn't been resolved on any level?