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Woman refuses to lend BF $30k for his mom's cafe. 'I feel like I'm an ATM.' AITA?

Woman refuses to lend BF $30k for his mom's cafe. 'I feel like I'm an ATM.' AITA?


I don't know if I should lend my boyfriend 30K for his mom.

justagirl9595 writes:

I am 29, he's 32. We've been together for six years, and we still both live with our families (it's very common in my country). I'm currently studying to get my master's degree, while I do some side jobs to earn a bit of money (such as tutoring, babysitting, etc.).

I have quite a lot of money set aside that comes from my grandparents' inheritance (around 150k euros), which I am using to pay for university and for "extra" activities.

I always try to be careful not to spend too much, since that sort of money could be used as a down payment for a house and the remaining could make a good savings account once I move out and start building my financial independence.

My boyfriend is a lawyer, and he earns quite a lot. However, his mom bought a café and is now behind with payments. She has quite a lot of debts because of it, and he already had to take out a loan from the bank to help his mother out.

A few weeks back he was trying to convince me to buy half of his mother's house so that we could move there once I get my degree and so that she could pay off the remaining 60k she needs for the café. I said I would consider it, but after talking to a solicitor (who told me I would have no guarantee whatsoever), I decided I was not going to do it.

Now, he asked me to lend her 30k, which she would repay with monthly payments of 300 euros. I'm very conflicted. When I decided I wasn't going to buy half of her house, he got very angry, called me selfish, greedy, and unreliable. Not even a week goes by, and he asks me for more money. I initially said yes, but now I'm starting to regret it. I feel like I'm being used like an ATM.

This whole story really rubs me the wrong way. I feel like I've been put in a situation where if I don't lend the money, I'm the a%@*ole, but if I do, I put myself in a difficult situation, especially considering his mother's debts. I'd have no guarantee I'd get my money back. AITA for being conflicted about lending him/his mother 30k?


We would sign a contract and specify the terms. However, when I try to negotiate the terms (as in asking for 500 monthly instead of 300), he says it would be a lot. But wouldn't it be a lot for me to lend 30k? Also, he has put out the idea of paying me back. I know he's trustworthy; it just feels like I'm being used.

Here are the top comments:

BigBayesian says:

NTA (Not the A*%@ole). You’re being used. Your boyfriend’s mother is a money pit. He’s taking out personal loans to support her business, and needs more. Sounds like a bad business to be invested in. There’s no reason to believe that an extra $1,000,000 Euros would do anything but delay the inevitable. So any money you give should be viewed as a gift, not a loan, because you’ll never see it again.

Now, you may want to consider giving this gift. It could be an investment in your relationship, if you plan to marry and share finances with your boyfriend. In that case, I’d urge you to ensure you’ve considered his choices with regard to his mother’s finances in deciding whether to join with him.

If you have, and you still want to… You’re probably going to end up her that money anyhow. But in all other cases, don’t do it. And in any case. NTA.

Heraonolympia123 says:

I'm not a financial genius or anything but, your boyfriend already took a loan out for the debts and it's not enough. His mom (not yours) has a lot of debt already from the cafe and is now suggesting that she is able to find an extra €300 (on top of living costs) to be able to pay you back. But she can't pay down any existing debt. That doesn't seem very realistic.

What ever you've already put in, I'd suggest you consider written off (you can ask for it but I doubt you'll get it so mentally prepare). Then tell them the bank of OP is closed. The cafe (and his mom) is a money pit. If your bf, the lawyer, can't understand the decision to protect yourself, I'd consider if he was the right man for you. NTA.

kiwihoney says:

You are NTA. But please do NOT give them any more money. It is THE MOM’S responsibility to find the money, not yours. Your boyfriend says such terrible things to you and is trying to coerce you into giving them a huge amount of money. If I were you, I would cut and run. You deserve better.

Comfortable-Sea-2454 says:

NTA - if you do this, make sure you have an independent lawyer set up a legal contract to ensure you will get your money back. If you insist on this pretty sure your BF will pull the "don't you trust me card". DON'T trust him without a contract.

"When I decided I wasn't going to buy half of her house he got very angry, called me selfish, greedy and unreliable. Not even a week goes by and he asks me for more money. I initially said yes, but now I'm starting to regret it. I feel like I'm being used like an ATM." Your assessment is spot on. You are being used as an ATM.

What do you think? Should OP loan her boyfriend the money?

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