'AITA for sticking to my boundaries and taking my responsibilities as a musician seriously?'
"AITA for telling my mother that I won’t see them if they come to visit us on vacation."
edenflicka writes:
Myself (30F) and my partner (27NB) are professional musicians. On 10/25/25, we have a gig that is part of an all-day festival. Since this is the first gig my parents might be able to attend, and with my sister having recently finished high school, we asked them back in May if they would be interested in coming to see it.
At the time, we made it clear that the week leading up to the event would be stressful for us, and that we would not be available during those dates. It’s important to know that my partner has chronic fatigue, and we plan carefully around that to ensure they can meet their professional commitments and responsibilities.
Yesterday, I spoke with my mother, and she said they were considering booking a trip from 22 to 26 October and were currently looking at plane tickets. My heart immediately sank, because my mother tends to be very intense about "let’s do things together" whenever she visits.
I reminded her of our earlier conversation, the situation with chronic fatigue, and that we would be busy with rehearsals and final preparations on those days. These include packing vans, ensuring all instruments and tech are set up properly, and organizing our merchandise for the gig.
She reacted negatively, just as I had expected. She asked if we could just hang out in the evenings, or go to museums before rehearsals, even though those are on the opposite end of where we need to be. She also suggested sightseeing or going to the beach, saying it would be relaxing.
I gently but firmly reiterated that we are not available on those dates, and I suggested they consider the dates I had already discussed with my dad: 23 to 29 October. That would give them time to settle in after the flight and allow us to spend time together after the gig.
She got upset, saying she would have to use two days of holiday instead of one. She began complaining that my dad doesn’t take holidays during the summer, so he has plenty of time off left, but she does not.
I empathized with her situation but held firm on the boundary that we are not available from the 22nd to the 26th. I explained that if they choose to come on those dates, it would likely just be a quick hello and goodbye. At most, we might be able to have brunch in the mornings, but we would not be able to join in for any sightseeing.
She ended the call by saying, “Well, maybe we just won’t come at all then.” That broke my heart, because I really wanted them to come see our gig, and I was especially looking forward to seeing my dad. Am I the a%^&ole here for setting and maintaining this boundary?
OP responded to some comments on the post.
vtretiree23 says:
NTA You have a shiny spine and used it. It’s unfortunate she won’t budge. I’d go lc/nc with her. You should not be the only one facing consequences.
Aggressive_Travel764 says:
NTA this is your job it is not a hobby it is not for fun you gave your mother to the dates that you would be available for them to visit. And it sounds like your mother is more interested in doing what she wants to do rather than actually visit and is upset that you won't put your job or your partner side to do what she wants.
Individual_Ad_9213 says:
NTA; you are trying to be focused on your gig and on your partner's well being. Your mother does not seem to "get it;" or possibly, she thinks that her extra day of vacation is more important than your scheduling.
However, this is an invitation, not a summons. Your mom has every right to decide not to come for any or for no reason, You might want to focus on, at least, getting your father to come so that someone from your family is there to see, and to record, the event.
Desperate-Animal1651 says:
Absolutely NTA. You were clear on the dates you could be available and your mother ignored it. You didn’t say you would have no time for them, just that it needed to be after the event. It’s extremely rude of her to expect otherwise, just because it’s more convenient for her.