"AITA because I won't tell my wife what my son has in savings from my late wife?"

"AITA because I won't tell my wife what my son/her stepson has in savings from my late wife?"

Jimverseen writes:

My wife (40s) and I (40s) have a blended family. I have a 16-year-old son with my late wife. My wife has a 13-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old son with her ex-husband, and they share custody. We also have a 4-year-old and a 2-year-old together.

When my late wife was sick, she told me she wanted a portion of the compensation she received for her medical misdiagnosis to go into our son’s savings. She also had a second savings account she wanted to add to it.

This was on top of what the two of us had already saved for him before her illness. I honored her wishes and continued saving for our son’s future. It was a promise I made to my late wife, and I have stood by it. I also promised I would protect it and make sure it was only ever for him, nobody else.

When my current wife and I started seriously dating, we talked about what saving would look like for our kids if and when we got married. She knew that my late wife and I had always been consistent about saving. We didn’t discuss exact amounts for our existing kids, but we agreed on a set amount each month that would be saved for all three. This was revisited again after we had our two children together.

Recently, there has been a lot of stress on my wife. Her ex has refused to discuss my step-kids’ savings or whether he contributes anything. She also feels like we haven’t been able to save as much each month as we originally planned because life keeps getting in the way. Some months we’ve had to skip saving due to unexpected expenses, things breaking, repairs, and other unavoidable costs.

A few weeks ago, my wife said we should put everything on the table and talk about what all five kids have saved so we can plan for their futures more effectively. I told her I was happy to discuss what I have personally saved for my oldest, but I would not be including the money left by his mom. She pushed back and said all the money should be taken into consideration.

I told her we can’t possibly know everything. Our parents could be saving money for the kids’ futures. Her ex or his parents could have money set aside for my step-kids. We can’t know for certain what everyone will have in the end, and it’s only fair to talk about what she and I have control over.

She told me it sounds like I don’t trust her. I asked why she wanted to know so badly. By only discussing what we’ve saved ourselves, we’re on even footing. She said that if we knew everything, we could focus more on the kids who will have less.

She believes our younger two will probably be the worst off long term and suggested combining all the money and dividing it evenly. I told her I wasn’t on board with that. The money my son has from his mom is not to be shared or used for any of the other kids.

We argued about it, but I refused to tell her the amount. She thinks it’s wrong to keep that information from her since we’re married. I told her it’s not my money, her money, or ours to manage. It’s from my late wife to our son, and that’s final.

My wife said she feels like I’m keeping her in the dark and not trusting her with something important. She said it makes it hard for her to fully engage in conversations we need to have and decisions we need to make as a couple. Am I the bad guy here?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Bitter_Animator2514 says:

It’s your son’s money it’s from his mother. Full stop end of story 4 out of your 5 kids have 2 parents. Your wife sounds like she doesn’t understand fairness. NTA.

RoxyPonderosa says:

My uncle took the money left to his children after my aunts passing, which she specifically left for her children. Now none of them speak to him. All three kids will never speak to their father again. He’s a pariah, not allowed at family functions, and not allowed to see his grandchildren. All he has is his nagging wife. No family. Her children barely speak to them as well. Hope it was worth it.

notpostingmyrealname says:

Nope, NTA. That's his inheritance from his dead mother, and is not for anyone else. Is it possible she's been snooping and found out how much he has already? I find it odd she didn't care until recently, something sparked her drive to know.

jprs29 says:

If the amount is sizeable (and it sounds like it is) that money should have been put in a trust for your kid. If the money right now is just "ear marked" for your son it could be considered as part of your assets in case of a divorce.

What do you think?