'AITA for telling my husband I wouldn’t have married him if I knew then what I know now?'
"AITA for telling my husband I wouldn’t have married him if I knew then what I know now?"
So. My (28f) and my husband (29m) have been married for 6 years. We love each other very much, and I couldn’t imagine a better man to be with. A little backstory - we dated for 7 months before getting married. This is not uncommon for our religious beliefs.
Now the day of our wedding in late 2019, I woke up very sick. Had a bad cold, and of course I passed this onto my husband after the wedding. We were sick with this terrible cold for a while. Him for 4 weeks, me for six.
However, I never REALLY got over it. My health immediately tanked after this and my immune system became very weak. I developed 3 chronic illnesses and over the course of the next 1 and a half years found I out I had a brain tumor.
This caused me to lose my job, we lost the house, and moved in with my parents. I went through surgery, but it didn’t take and the tumor grew back. It’s not life threatening and is benign.
Surgery is not a viable option at this time so we are just watching it to make sure it doesn’t grow more. But it has caused many long term health issues. I am still unable to work. I go through up and downs but am still in pain every day.
My husband works very hard to provide for us, even though he too has intense mental health issues (OCD & Autism) that make this difficult. We have had to go bankrupt and are living well below the poverty line for our area.
We are also currently possibly facing eviction in the next month due to shortage of income. Financial stress is high. He doesn’t complain about being the sole bread winner. But is growing weary and burnt out.
Now the issue. The other day I was feeling quite rough which isn’t uncommon. But I was also feeling very emotional. All I wanted was for my husband to hold me. However the pain was so bad I couldn’t handle being touched. He expressed to me that he felt helpless because he wanted to help and didn’t know how.
I hit a low place. We are financially wrecked. I am physically wrecked. With living in pain being my whole future. Our dreams and plans were ruined on day one of our life together. And the only good thing we have is each other. Except now he can’t even touch me or comfort me?
I told him through gritted teeth that if we could go back in time, I wouldn’t have married him knowing what I know now. I wouldn’t have saddled his life with the misery of mine. He’s amazing. I love him with every fibre of my being.
And I would’ve quit life long before now if I didn’t have him. But this isn’t fair to him. How come he only got the “worse” in “for better or worse”? He got very quiet. He just stared at me and asked if I was serious. I said yes. I am serious. I shouldn’t have married him. He just turned over and went to sleep.
He left for work the next morning without saying anything to me. He never does this. We always kiss goodbye. And talk plenty through his day. But he never called or messaged. When he came home he said that I shouldn’t be saying stupid things.
I told him I’m just so fed up with this life and I hate I put him through this. He said going through this and sticking it out with me was his decision. But our religion wouldn’t allow divorce anyway. So he’s trapped.
He’s been very distant with me. I know I hurt his feelings but I also agree with what I said, even if it was said in a state of agony. So am I the AH for telling my husband I wish we weren’t married?
Here’s what people had to say to OP:
Soft YTA, but in a “you’re drowning” way, not a villain way. You didn’t really say “I don’t love you.” You said “I hate what my illness has done to your life.” But what he heard was “I regret choosing you.” That hits deep.
Have to agree with this. She said it in pain and probably worded it wrong, it wasn't meant in a bad way but his feelings were still hurt. Should still be able to sort it out tho.
Yeah, clear communication later could help him understand it was about the situation, not him.
This. OP should seriously talk to her husband. While she expressed despair out of her love for him, he probably took her words as a jab against him instead. Don't let this fester. Worst thing is the miscommunication turns into a resentment. You only have each other, OP.
This. I know he's autistic, but, I'm on the spectrum myself, and the intent behind what she said was so clear. She even followed it up with a clarifying statement - "I love you with every fibre of my being but I hate what my health issues have done to you and to our future", essentially - that made the intention unmistakable.
I think he must be really stressed and unhappy in a lot of ways and is probably unconsciously choosing to misunderstand her so he has some outlet for his unhappiness.
Soft YTA actually. What you meant was expressing despair and love, but saying you wouldn’t have married him came across as regret and hurt his feelings deeply.
As others have noted, soft YTA. Till death do us part, and he is standing by you. Healthy, financially stable people running around unfaithful. I (M) feel his pain when you said what you said.
Like his sacrifice and struggle mean nothing. You didn't mean your words that way, but that is what he most likely felt. You said he's amazing. Why would he feel anything different about you?
YTA. All he heard is if you had to do it over, you would not have married him. Full stop. Doesn't matter what you said after. That is what he heard. Sit him down and tell him how you are feeling. He feels helpless.
Talk to him again and stress that he reason you said that you wouldn't marry him if you'd known is that he is so wonderful and you've feel as if you've been a burden to his life and his future. Not that you don't love him or don't want him in your life but that you love him so much that you would want better for him.
See, oftentimes in emotional discussions either we don't communicate things as clearly as we think we did or the person we are speaking to isn't able to take it all in. I have a feeling he just heard you don't want to be married to him.
I've been on both sides of situations like this where we aren't getting the point across or aren't hearing the point. It sounds like he's hurt so I think he's misunderstood your point.