'AITA for telling at my SIL that she can follow our rules or get a hotel?'
"Yelled at SIL that she can follow our rules or get a hotel - AITA?"
My wife (35F) and I (37M) are hosting her sister and stepfather for the holidays. After several micro and macro aggressions toward my wife, I raised my voice and told my sister-in-law that she could follow our rules or get a hotel. AITAH?
My sister-in-law is from out of town and is staying with us for a week. She asked if she could bring her cat. We have a dog, and her cat does not get along with other animals, so we had my mom watch our dog to accommodate her.
We recently found out that my wife is pregnant after a long struggle with fertility, and we are very excited. We were nervous about the cat and the pregnancy, but our doctor said that as long as my wife does not change the litter, there is no reason to worry.
Micro Aggression 1: I picked up my sister-in-law from the airport since I work from home. The first thing she said was, “Congrats, you must be so excited to be a dad.” I said yes and made normal conversation. When my wife got home a few hours later, my sister-in-law immediately bombarded her with demands, such as asking where the tape was to wrap presents.
There was no congratulations, no hug, no acknowledgment of the pregnancy at all, just immediate big-sister bullying and demanding behavior. This was the first time they had seen each other since we shared the pregnancy news.
Micro Aggression 2: On the first night, my wife, her sister, and their stepfather went out to dinner together. My wife wanted her stepfather to sit in the front seat so they could talk and because he would be more comfortable.
My sister-in-law said no and insisted on sitting in the front seat of my wife’s car. My wife said no, explaining that it was her car and she wanted her stepfather in the front this time. A large argument followed. My wife hates conflict and was very stressed. She eventually raised her voice, and my sister-in-law finally allowed their stepfather to sit in the front on the way to the restaurant.
After the meal, my sister-in-law rushed out of the restaurant and took the front seat for the ride home. Micro Aggression 3: At the restaurant, my sister-in-law ordered my wife a margarita. My wife said she could not drink. My sister-in-law laughed and said, “Oh yeah, I forgot you’re pregnant.”
The fight: The next morning, my wife got up before me and went to sit in the common area. She came back a few minutes later visibly upset. When I asked what happened, she said she had just had a big argument with her sister.
My sister-in-law was about to throw a bag of used kitty litter into the kitchen trash. My wife asked her to take it to the trash chute down the hall since we live in an apartment building. She did not want used litter in the kitchen trash where we eat.
My sister-in-law said it was fine as long as my wife did not touch it. My wife said she did not want it in the kitchen and asked her to take it out. My sister-in-law said she would do it later and placed the bag on the dining room floor.
My wife asked her not to do that and said she did not want it there. My sister-in-law moved the bag to the corner of the room. My wife again asked her to take it out immediately. After more arguing, my sister-in-law finally took the litter out.
As my wife was telling me this in our bedroom, I was getting very angry. I asked what was wrong with her sister. My sister-in-law, who was in the bathroom across the hall, overheard us and started yelling that she is an OB-GYN and that there was no risk.
I opened the door and told her to stop. She continued yelling that my wife was wrong and she was right. I raised my voice over hers and told her to stop, that I was not interested in her argument, and that she was a guest in our home.
I told her that my wife had asked her to throw away the litter and that she needed to do so. I told her she could follow our rules or get a hotel and asked if she understood. She eventually said yes, and I ended the conversation.
My sister-in-law later said it was totally inappropriate for me to yell. When my wife tried to talk to her again, my sister-in-law said the entire situation happened because my wife was pregnant and hysterical and did not understand that it was not dangerous.
I am still very angry, but I am trying to keep the peace because my wife wants calm more than anything. I usually do not fight battles for her, but her sister has been a bully and disrespectful to her many times, and my wife’s mother often takes the sister’s side, which causes my wife to doubt herself. AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
dinahdog says:
NTA. You did the right thing. Keep it up. Why don't you suggest she and her cat go to mom's and you get your dog back.
OP responded:
Thanks. We are all at my mom’s place together now. She has been kind to my wife since the fight. I dislike that she avoided accountability by gaslighting my wife into thinking the situation was her fault. However, if the end result is that she is behaving like a decent person now, I can live with that.
I still think I need a one-on-one conversation with my sister-in-law. It would be along the lines of this: this stays between us, but I need you to know that I do not accept the narrative you presented to my wife. As an OB-GYN, you should understand better than anyone that stress has significant impacts on maternal and fetal health.
Regardless of the specifics of the argument, you caused that stress by refusing to do the decent thing. Unless and until you apologize to my wife for that, I will not trust you, and I will interact with you accordingly while maintaining civility for my wife’s sake. I wanted to be clear and give you the opportunity to make things right.
Amazing_Reality2980 says:
NTA sounds like she should move to a hotel. She sounds like an obnoxious jerk.
Medical_Donut5990 says:
NTA. Good on you for defending your wife. Her sister is clearly used to stepping all over her. If it were me, I wouldn't tolerate her in the house as a guest going forward. Just rude, combative, demeaning and disrespectful. Why should she stay with you guys when it makes everyone miserable?