"AITA if I cut off a 14-year-long friendship?"
I've been friends with this girl for 14 years. We are both 25F, have been good friends since the sixth grade, and live close to each other. I have SEVERE food allergies to sesame and nuts. This makes it really hard for me to eat at places that are Middle Eastern, Asian, or those healthy-food vegan places where they use nuts and sesame a lot.
Leah and I have had a fantastic friendship EXCEPT that after fourteen years she cannot remember that I have food allergies. We meet up every weekend and she always suggests we go to eat at places where I am NOT COMFORTABLE EATING because they have sent me to the hospital before.
She was THERE for one of the times I went to the ER. Every time I say I don't want to get Chinese or Lebanese or whatever she is somehow confused. I remind her that I can't eat literally any sesame or nuts or I will die, and she's like, "Oh yeah, right. Never mind I guess."
She's big into healthy eating, and so likes vegan and East Asian-inspired foods. She liked to bond over cooking but she will literally pull out sesame oil or almond extract and I have to catch it before she uses it. I ALWAYS remind her of my allergies, but it's a 50/50 if she catches herself before using something I can't eat.
If we're at my place, there are questions like, "Can we add macadamia nuts to the cookies?" This isn't every time, but I feel like it should be ZERO times. I know that people who don't have allergies can have a hard time understanding how scary they are, but after FOURTEEN YEARS it's really disconcerting that she cannot remember what will literally kill me.
Outside of food we have a great friendship, and she doesn't have any trouble remembering anything else about me, my sister, my parents, my pets, etc., which makes this even weirder. I feel exhausted and like I'm always on my guard around her. I just can't explain another time. Would I be the AH if I told her I don't want to hang out anymore?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
OglioVagilio said:
NTA. They've been friends for 14 years. They eat together every weekend. They cook together all the time. The allergy is deadly serious and she's even been to the ER with OP. She remembers every other detail. But can't remember the lethal nut allergy. I'm sorry but to all the people making excuses for her, if the above describes you, maybe you are also bad friends and family.
LazyGreenWitch said:
NTA. While I don't remember many of my friends' allergies, I also don't eat with them EVERY WEEKEND. I don't understand how it's even possible without some kind of mental health concern (other than not giving a crap about you) that she can't remember a serious allergy that she's told about once a week. It's time to end that friendship before it costs you something serious.
Specific-Storm-9889 said:
NTA, I have a list of foods that my friend is allergic to in my phone and she doesn’t even go into anaphylactic shock. She’s a crappy friend and as many times as you corrected her, she should remember.
Warm_Librarian6037 said:
So NTA. She doesn’t respect you. I also have food allergies and have had to do the same thing with people. Their reasons cover the whole gamut: “it’s not going to kill you!” “You have an EpiPen.” “I never believed you have a food allergy. It’s a lie you tell to make everyone cater to what you want!” “Your allergies are spoiling MY fun. Yikes, there will be something on the menu you can eat.” Just cut them out.
Don’t tell her though. She’ll be dismissive. What you do is decline her invitations. One word “no.” She already knows why. One of two things will happen, she’ll either stop asking all together or she’ll start asking with a suggestion that won’t make you sick. In the meanwhile, start going to those places on your own.
Vdavwil said:
NTA. Sounds like a reasonable plan to me. In fact, it's so bad, she must either be extremely scatter-brained, or she must be doing this out of some passive-aggressive resentment of your allergies. Otherwise, it seems ridiculous.
epifauna__ said:
NTA - It'd be one thing for it to slip her mind every once in a while, or not always realize that foods would be made with your allergens, but if it's so constant you have to keep your guard up then that's plain disrespect. You shouldn't have to literally risk ending up in hospital to hang out with someone