'WIBTA if I don't invite my dad's adoptive family to my wedding?' 'He really loved them.'
"WIBTA if I don't invite my dad's adoptive family to my wedding?"
This backstory is important for it to make sense later - My dad already died 11 years ago and he was adopted when he was a baby, someone left him on his adoptive parent's door. His parents named him and used their surname for my dad. In my country, it is illegal to add your surname to the adopted kid. But it was back in 50s, nobody cares that much.
My dad is the only adopted kid and the eldest of 5. Although he was adopted, he really loved the family and worked really hard to support them. He also had to leave his dreams behind just to support his small siblings. The siblings knew how hard my dad worked his a$% off.
Grandparent already died as well 20+ years ago and left some inheritance. My dad was part of the inheritance due to having the same surname. My dad was promised by their siblings that he would get his portions. The inheritance took years to process due to missing documents etc.
All was good, untillll, my dad died. His siblings decided to remove his name from the inheritance saying he was adopted and not qualified to get the portions. His siblings kept pestering us to tell the lawyers the truth and back out from the inheritance.
To be honest, we didn't care about the inheritance, but the way they treat us after my dad died, it hurts us. We felt being betrayed and who knew, just because of inheritance, they throw us like some trash. If my dad was here, surely he would be depressed seeing how his siblings treated us. He really loved them.
And since that moment, I vowed myself and let my family know that I will not join any family events and do not want to see them anymore. My siblings agreed, and my mom too agreed, but since she is the oldest sister-in law, she had to join the family events just to respect my dad.
My mom told me that if my dad was here, he would want his family to be here to celebrate my wedding, and out of respect to my beloved dad, I should invite them. But I stand firm on my decision, they didn't respect my dad after he died, so why should I?
I know, not inviting them will get them on nerves and will keep pestering my mom if I didn't invite them. And people will talk and it will look bad on my mom and my late dad. I really don't want my parent to get the bad reputation just because of I hate them.
Buuutttt, I really don't want to invite them, I know I will have bad mood through out the wedding if I see their faces. And no, I am not close with the cousins. So I really don't mind. WIBTA?
Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:
rockology_adam said:
NTA. Your relatives showed you who they really were after your dad died. If you want a good, paranoid, answer, there's every possibility that things were kept up in the air to keep him from the inheritance. So, do not invite them.
Your mother can make her own choices about what she attends and does not attend, but if they are blocking your dad out of the inheritance, I can't imagine they actually need or want her as the oldest sister-in-law... because she's not. Acknowledging her requires acknowledging your dad, and your dad's adoptive family are trying to have it both ways.
Cut ties with them for now. If, in the future, they want to make some amends (it doesn't have to be financial at all, but actually taking responsibility and admitting wronging your late dad is necessary). Encourage your mother to cut ties too. They are using her for whatever it is that they need from her. She's not part of their family if your dad wasn't.
Icy-Performer571 said:
Tell people "when my dad died they told us we were not family anymore and I should never invite them to my future wedding. They said that my dad paid them to be a part of the family by supporting the younger siblings, and unless I also paid them, I would not be accepted.
I gave up my fathers inheritance at their insistence, but it was not enough. So I am just honoring their wishes in respect of my father who raised me right."
They, of course, will deny. But they did ask you to give up the inheritance because your dad was adopted, so people will know that is the truth, and assume the rest is the truth. So, you win the social pressure game by 1)being a dutiful family member by respecting the wishes of your elders 2) embarass them 3) they can either back off or change their stance. Either way you win. NTA.
FutureOk6751 said:
NTA. Tell any one who ask why they are not invited that these people made their choice when begging you to make sure that everyone knew AFTER your father died that he was not "real" family to make sure they got their full inheritance.
Since they are not your fathers "real" family how can they expect to be involved in your life like real family. Plus you wouldn't want them to feel obligated to to gift or support you with any part of that inheritance they just had to have.
eowynsheiress said:
NTA. I think you are fully justified. And it’s your wedding, so you don’t have to be justified to make your guest list.
Aggressive_Cup8452 said:
I don't think it would look bad on you or your dad. It will look bad on them. They showed who they are. Treat them accordingly. NTA.
unlovelyladybartleby said:
If they don't act like family and don't consider your dad family, why would you invite them? Your wedding should be a celebration with the people who love you and wish you well. NTA.
MadameFlora said:
They chose to disinherit your father, claiming he wasn't a family member. Therefore, neither are they. Anyway, it's still your wedding and you can invite - or not - anyone you choose. NTA.