"AITA if I skip my only sister's cross-country wedding?"
I (34F) am seriously considering not going to my only sister's (32F) cross-country wedding this summer. My husband thinks it's obvious we shouldn't go but I'm struggling with indecision. Growing up, we were close. Then my sis was 17, her boyfriend died. It was devastating.
For the next 13+ years she pressured me and our mom to reach out every year on his birthday and death anniversary. During that time there were constant emotional spirals over text. We were "punching bags." When I forgot in 2023...13 yrs later...she guilt-tripped me hard.
I sent her a long text explaining I couldn't keep feeling obligated to text her on these dates every year, I shared how hard this has been on me all these years. How I felt like I'd lost a sister because grief had taken over her life for so long. For the first time I spoke up. She never responded. Which stung hard. We didn't speak for months.
Then I got engaged. We slowly started talking again. I decided to look past a lot of stuff and more issues that arose that year. A year later I dug deep and asked her to be my maid of honor. I thought maybe things could change. She was honored and said yes.
What she actually do as my MOH...well, no card. No gift. Never offered a speech. Bailed on getting ready with me, no word. Weird vibes and friction during all my festivities. And after pressing my mom about her actions, she told me flying out to my wedding was "a burden" for my sister. She has her own biz and makes 6 figures.
Now she's getting married in June and she hasn't asked me to be in her wedding party. Chose a friend as maid of honor. She's excluded me from all general wedding updates/planning. Hasn't texted the past 5 months. I did get a couple of thank yous this fall when I sent her a thank-you card with pictures.
Last year we got into an argument. She was ripping into me about how bad it was I hadn't sent my formal save the dates yet even though she'd had the date for weeks. I brought up the text she never responded to.. that's why I waited a few weeks to tell her I was engaged. My fault again. She claimed she HAD written a response but her therapist told her not to send it because "I wouldn't receive it well."
So even her silence was my fault. Then she said. "You don't get it, just like a cancer patient, they're the one affected. No one else." Basically saying her suffering will always matter more than mine. I just let the conversation end. What's the point.
I've spent over 15 years walking on eggshells around her. I'm exhausted. I'm terrified of having the bad sister label forever and dealing with family fallout for the rest of my life. I feel like if I don't go that will hang over me forever. If I go, it’s self-betrayal. I'm deeply disappointed and resentful.
Have kept my distance for past 5 months. And still weirdly hopeful she'll change. My husband says this is exactly how toxic family dynamics work. You keep trying and they keep the power. She did fly out to my wedding even if she complained about it. And she's my only sister — maybe I should just suck it up and go. AITA if I don't?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
bloodredyouth said:
NTA. But I think for your conscience, you should go. If she no longer wants a relationship with you, leave the burden on her as opposed to not attending on your part.
OkManufacturer767 said:
It is very much okay to not go to this wedding. It is very much okay for you to never speak or text her again. Protect your peace. Protect your health. NTA
danejulian said:
NTA, I don’t think. But her therapist’s supposed reaction puts into sharp relief how difficult it is for internet readers to get a good read on things. If she posted her version of an AITA, everyone would be agreeing with her too. So to be on the safe side, and given the finality issue, I’d say go, even though she seems not to deserve it.
softballpants said:
NTA. I would go if I were you but I wouldn't bring a gift.
Ducky818 said:
NTA. You don't owe her anything. Her life is all about her and she wants your life to be all about her. Why else would she expect you to grieve her boyfriend for decades. If she chooses to have her wedding as you've related, let her. If she chooses behaviors and actions that you wouldn't have, let her.
Let her be who she is and you be who you are. Stop trying to be something you're not just to please somebody else. Your job is to make yourself and your family happy, not to please your sister. If she invites you, consider going as a guest. Being more involved in the festivities will likely only result in disappointment for you.
swillshop said:
NTA. Your husband is a smart guy.
Ok-Till-5285 said:
NTA if you don't go, but you have to decide if the escalation is worth it if you don't go. If you don't go, she will use this as ammunition against you and drag all your family into it and foce then to take sides. I don't blame you for not going, but a wedding is (Hopefully) a once in a lifetime event.
And missing it may cause irreparable damage that may result in you two never speaking again. Is that a result you are ok with? if you are, then fine - don't go, but if it isn't, and you can afford to go, I think you should go. I make decisions based on what consequences I can live with. So decide what consequences YOU can live with - and do that. Good luck, she sounds exhausting.