'AITA if I tell HR about my past with a new co-worker?' 'CREEP!' UPDATED 3X

"AITA if I tell HR about my past with a new co-worker?"

I (34M) am a lead developer on a team of mid-sized SAAS company that has around 100 or so employees. Basically we are large enough that there are employees we can see, recognize, but not necessarily know their names. Recently, we had a new hire, Krista (33F) who joined the PM part of the project I am working on. I have a history with Krista from college.

In college I was a lot more in my own shell, I didn't really treat myself well, and was very much the introverted nerd, down to bad posture and poor fashion sense. Krista, she did have quite a few friends in college, but at least in my view she wasn't super popular, but she was well-liked and was conventionally attractive.

We shared a few classes together and one day asked me for some help on an assignment. I helped her on it and we talked, and from the sound of things, she seemed genuinely friendly to me. I helped her on a few more assignments and finally she asked me if I wanted to meet her after class at a coffee shop and talk. I said sure, and when I got there, Krista was nowhere in sight.

I waited about twenty minutes before I called her. She answered and started laughing, and I heard several other voices laughing, Krista saying something like "Why would I want to date a loser like you?!" Looked out the front window of the shop and saw one of Krista's friends holding up her camera phone and it looked like she was recording.

Next few weeks there were jokes about me, flyers with my face from the coffeeshop vid plastered up with "CREEP!" in bold letters on top. Kept my head down, and within a month the next big thing popped up on campus and I was forgotten.

Didn't stop Krista and her friends from going "EW! CREEP!" when they saw me, but I guess for the rest of the campus it got old, so I never got accused of anything, or even really ostracized by the rest of the student body.

After college, I did learn about self care a bit better, plus I usually am with other programmers so I really don't "stand out" as a social outcast. When Krista was introduced to our team, I don't think she recognized me, and it's only been a week, but I want to know if bringing up the college incident is even worth it for HR.

Most of my rational brain really wants to just let this go, treat Krista as a new person, and get on with me, but I have a small fear that she might tell a skewed version of the college events and sour the team I'm on against me, so I should at least disclose to HR so in case she does start telling tales I have recourse. WIBTAH if I told HR about my past with Krista?

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

Gljvf said:

You should report it and have it documented so she can't turn anything around on you. I'd also ask of she can be put onto another project.

ultradip said:

NTA - People like that don't really change. You might as well make sure everyone knows what kind of person she is.

Troytegan said:

You all realize hr likely can’t do anything even if he does tell them right? It’s something that happened years prior, there were no legal repercussions and they’re likely to say it’s a he said she said. So what do you expect hr to do about it?

RunTurtleRun115 said:

Wait you want to tattle about something that happened 10+ years ago? That’s definitely not valid and you should feel ashamed for even thinking about it. Seriously, is this what adults do now? Tattle so that someone else makes sure your feelings are always protected? Not at all valid.

BreadMaker_42 said:

If you bring this up to hr, then YTA. This took place over a decade ago. Leave the past in the past. Don’t let it shake you. IF she tries any more of her old bad behavior then you don’t have to tolerate it.

TheRealRedParadox said:

NTA if she finds out who you are she may go behind your back and make another false allegation to get rid of you. Get ahead of it and cover your a%s, tell them that she harassed you all throughout college and your worried of retaliation once she realizes who you are. And stay away from her at all costs.

FIRST UPDATE:

Yesterday some things happened, some bad, mostly good. There were mixed responses, most telling me to tell, but one HR professional saying I shouldn't. Due to the mixed messaging, I did consult a local employment lawyer.

The lawyer told me that I should make HR aware of the past I have with Krista, but make it clear that there was never anything disciplinary acted upon me in college. He asked if my job had a copy of my transcript, and I verified that it did.

Lawyer asked if there were any third parties that would verify the harassment and see if I could get their names and contact details if needed. I knew two people back in college that I still had on my LinkedIn and was certain they would tell the truth, so we were good there.

Lawyer told me to just request a meeting with HR and my supervisor, say there was a past with Krista, there was never any charges or disciplinary action, and I have two witnesses if they ever need verification.

So that was what I did. Friday morning I came into the office and sent HR and my supervisor an email requesting a formal meeting at 10 am. My supervisor came to my desk and asked if everything was ok, and wanted to make sure I was happy.

I told him everything was fine, I wasn't leaving, and it wasn't anything with him or the team. He seemed relieved and by 10am, we rolled into the conference room with the HR officer.

I thanked them both for taking time out of their day to meet me, and then I did as my lawyer instructed. I said that the new project manager, Krista, was someone I went to college with, she participated in harassment of me in college, detailed how I never had any charges or disciplinary action, and that I had two independent witnesses that saw the harassment and gave their contact info.

My supervisor seemed shocked and the HR officer went through the info I gave her for a minute and then the two of them talked for a minute. Finally, Krista was called in. When Krista walked into the conference room and saw me, HR, and the team supervisor she seemed shocked.

HR started with something like "We have been told you two have a past". Krista sat down and looked pretty shocked throughout. She did admit to the bullying, but tried to reframe it as "a misunderstanding'"repeatedly.

She never outright said what the bullying was, but then she was told that since this was an incident in both our pasts that nobody wants brought up again, that it should stay dead. HR made it clear that this is not to be a "funny watercooler story to share." Krista and I both agreed to that, but Krista still looked shaken.

Noon was coming up right when the meeting was wrapping up. My supervisor and HR again reiterated, neither of us is to breathe a word about the college incident. We're professionals, and we're here to do a job.

I went to the breakroom for lunch, and actually I felt like my appetite has finally returned. The last few days were stress starving me to be honest. I sat at a table with the rest of the development team and we started eating.

Halfway through my sandwich, another coworker, Sandy (30F) came by and said "So I heard an interesting story yesterday about you and Krista" with a big grin on her face. She didn't get further because my supervisor was at our table, stood up pointed at Sandy, and across the room at Krista and said "You two. Conference room. NOW!"

I wasn't privy to what happened in the conference room, but I did see the HR officer go into the room 2 minutes later, looking pretty pissed and with a mustard stain on her shirt. I guess she got the call and was interrupted during lunch.

Not sure what went on. The rest of my team asked what that was. I said "I have no idea" and just kept eating. 5 minutes later, two more coworkers on other parts of the project were brought into the conference room.

Lunch ended and we went back to work, but speculation was high. It wasn't until 3 that the conference room finally emptied. Krista looked like she was crying and the others that were in the room with her seemed to treat her quite coldly.

Not sure what this will mean, but it appears for now, Krista is still working here. But I appreciate the lengths HR and my supervisor are taking to ensure this won't blow up further.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the first update:

Master-Manipulation said:

Damn I’m glad you went to HR and the company isn’t tolerating Krista at all.

big_bob_c said:

Pretty bad timing on Krista's part, she started harassing him the day before he called HR. She might not get fired over it since she told Sandy before the meeting with HR, but she's hopping on thin ice.

OP should go ahead and get statements from his college friends, he will need them in the future if he ever changes to a new job and finds she is already there. Sandy is a piece of work too, coming up to a full table to share an embarrassing story about OP. I would be very careful about what I said around her in the future.

BlueGreen_1956 said:

You were NTA for sure. I would be very wary of Krista if she remains working there. From the sounds of your first post, she sounds like a narcissistic psycho. The lengths she might go to be vindictive could well be limitless. And now she's got Sandy to plot with.

Leggggggo11 said:

Mean girls vibes. I hate mean girls, they can go pound sand and kick rocks at the same time.

scout1982 said:

I doubt her poor behavior is done after this. She won't be able to stop herself and she'll end up getting fired because she won't be able to keep her mouth shut. NTA.

SECOND UPDATE:

Monday wasn't a sh%tshow, so that was good. My supervisor and the HR officer did bring everyone on the team into the big conference room for the HR officer said that we are a professional company, and while we do like to have fun(there are company outings like golf, bowling, Main Event) we are to be strictly professional and not gossip about other coworker's personal lives.

Sandy and the two other coworkers who were brought into the conference room Friday looked pretty ashamed during this. Krista was sitting at the other end of the conference room table and there seemed to be a noticeable distance between her and the other employees.

My supervisor said he wants to consider this matter closed and for us to get back to offering great solutions to our clients. Everyone filed out of the conference room and went back to work.

Lunch on Monday was pretty tense, but Tuesday management had a local Mexican place bring in a "Taco Tuesday" for us, and the mood improved considerably. I don't gossip, but I did hear murmurs that Krista is now on her final warning and put on a Performance Improvement Plan, all within her first two weeks.

Not sure how true these rumors are, but with how isolated Krista now appears to be to the rest of the team, it is clear that everyone else is not willing to socialize with her beyond their work functions.

I considered this matter closed myself, and if Krista worked hard and got her redemption arc, I'd have been fine with it. But then last night happened. Not sure where Krista got my address, but she was outside my house last night, and luckily my doorbell camera caught it, so I can pretty accurately transcribe it.

She rung and asked if we could talk. I said through the digital doorbell there was nothing to talk about, and she better leave because this is now harassment. She pleaded for me to come outside and discuss it. I declined and emphasized she's not welcome.

She then said she had a crush on me in college, that her friends found out she asked me to coffee and pressured her to turn it into a harassment campaign and she was afraid of them disowning her for liking a "guy like me."

Guys, I wanted to laugh so hard. I was socially awkward back in college, but even I knew this was BS. Hell, I wasn't even interested in Krista for a date; I thought she wanted to be my friend.

I told her that I didn't care what she has to say, she has to leave. She told me I could just ask Sandy what she told her and it would 'clear this all up'. I declined and said that this matter in the office is closed.

Krista finally made an exaggerated sigh and walked off. I took the video recording from the doorbell and sent it to the employment lawyer and will give it to my supervisor and HR today. I will be shocked if she will last longer than this Friday now.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the second update:

Jorojr said:

OP: The matter is resolved.

Company: The matter is resolved.

Krista: It's resolved, but how can I make this worse for myself?

SabrinoRogerio said:

Oh no, I can already see the shark in the distance.

FyvLeisure said:

Some people just cannot, physically, shut the f-k up. She might as well have been poking holes in her own life-raft.

User013579 said:

I just love a good bully karma story. This just made it better. Thanks for sharing this. All of it.

Frequent-Material273 said:

Krista wouldn't be so worried unless this isn't the first time she's been fired for social abuse. My guess is that the company OP is at is one Krista was *avoiding*, for just this reason, until she'd managed to wear out her welcome at the other firms employing people in her field. NOW she knows she's out of luck, which is why she's TRYING to create drama that will allow her to spin OP as "being the bad guy."

MattyDarce said:

At this point, her behavior may be bordering on criminal harassment, based on your local laws. She's lucky you didn't call the police.

FINAL UPDATE:

Krista is fired. I didn't even have to send HR the doorbell cam vid, but I did send it to the lawyer I was talking to. Lawyer is drafting a cease and desist and potentially a restraining order if needed.

Krista somehow got my address from someone in IT. The IT new hire is suspended because of this data breach and everyone got a memo about data security yesterday morning, including the usual about phishing scams.

Krista's desk was empty when I came in yesterday morning, and since I'm taking the necessary legal steps, I'm considering this matter closed.

Here's what top commenters had to say about the final update:

DeathLeech02 said:

Beautiful. A lovely finish, though would have liked to have known Krista's reaction.

Jorojr said:

The IT person should be fired immediately. I'm currently a systems engineer and have been working in IT related roles for nearly 20 years. Aside from HR and Payroll, IT (depending on role) has potentially the most access to all data.

As a rule of thumb, you NEVER, EVER give out or grant access to personal data unless requested by HR. Even if a department manager/director/VP comes to you, you ask them to have HR request it as a paper trail.

That said, Krista at 33 years old needed this wake up call. It seems like she has never been held responsible for actions until now. There's no way a 33 year old woman should still behave like the ditzy sorority girl she was.

ConvivialKat said:

I'm glad this had a happy result for you at work. Being professional is always the way to go. As far as personally, I think you were wise to provide everything (including the ring doorbell video) to your lawyer. Definitely have him send her a cease and desist ASAP. Hopefully, she will be so busy looking for a new job that she won't have time to do anything else stupid.

Dubsified said:

A beautiful end. Kudos to you and your HR team.

lisadean43 said:

WOW, what a stressful time. I am glad you are ok. I hope that this is really the end to the story and that she does not become more of a problem. Tough on that new IT guy... chances of getting a decent job elsewhere are pretty shot now that they have done this. What a way to learn a lesson.

Careless-Ability-748 said:

I still don't understand how she thought she'd be helping herself by going to to your house. But, she certainly got what she deserved.