'AITA if I throw away someone’s remains if no one in his family wants his ashes?'

"AITA if I throw away someone’s remains if no one in his family wants his ashes?"

Long story short, roommate & I shared an apartment from 2018-2022. She was separated from her husband when he passed 2021. He was cremated, ashes were mailed to her. She kept him in a box in a closet in the laundry room.

2022 she bought an RV & moved to Brenham to be near her daughter & grandchildren. She asked me to hold on to the ashes & a few other things, pics, clothing I agreed. She couldn’t be near the ashes, they set her on edge & just rattled her.

We had a falling out over money, more than 5K. I haven’t heard from her since September 2024. I know she has some serious health issues she is dealing with, I really don’t want to talk to her, so my feelings aren’t hurt. I reached out this his son Dom Jr, a real estate agent in Feb 2025 about his father’s ashes on messenger. He responded, but has made no effort to retrieve the ashes either.

Did I mention she also basically walked from her youngest son that she left living in an RV in my backyard? What was supposed to be a short term favor has turned into 3 yrs of her 40-something schizophrenic bipolar w/audio hallucinations living on my 6 acres.

I would give him the ashes, but I don’t think he would handle it well at all & I don’t know what kind of episode it could trigger, he took the death badly as his whole world as he knew it ended. He’s never lived on his own & he is not doing a very good job at it.

I threatened in February if no one made arrangements to come get these ashes I’m putting them in the dumpster.

AITA if I do?

The internet had a lot of thoughts about the scenario.

ATLBrysco wrote:

NTA - it sounds like you have done everything that you can do to contact the family and try to get the cremains to someone that can be responsible for them. If no one in the family seems to care either way, there isn't much left. HOWEVER, I would recommend you think about this first...regardless of who this man was to you (or not to you, as you have shared), he is a human being that has passed on.

If you didn't have any family or someone that cared enough about you and your remains, would you want to end up in a landfill? My recommendation is that you reach out to each of the family members by certified post one more time (just in case later it comes up into a legal issue and you are accused of disposing of him without permission).

After that, if there is no interest or response in what the disposition of the ashes should be, then go somewhere beautiful and spread the ashes there - under a tree in the forest, in the ocean, etc. Just make sure that there aren't any ordinances or restrictions on doing so.

You might want to contact a few of the funeral homes around you and ask their recommendations on places to do this - I am sure they probably have the knowledge to let you know what is or is not permissible. The point is, give the poor deceased man his dignity and a nice place to spend eternity - even if you didn't know him. Good luck!

Final-Call wrote:

You’re NTA for wanting the ashes out of your house- but you would be if you dumped them in the bin. If you have 6 acres, is there somewhere you can bury the ashes on your property? And mark the place with a plant or a rock or a garden ornament of your choosing?

I say bury, not spread, because then if anyone ever did want to claim them you can tell them where to dig (I assume they are currently in a container of some sort). I highly doubt anyone would come back for them after all this time, but this way you’re covered if it does happen, and either way the ashes are out of your house. Good luck.

ilw0516 wrote:

How about you just cover the cost of mailing them to Jr? With a the signature to show they received it? While it's not your responsibility, it would be the right thing to do and you can wash your hands of it, because clearly it is weighing on you or you wouldn't be posting about it. And if you just put him in the trash, then yeah ywbta.

1Cattywampus1 wrote:

Don't throw them away. Since no one related seems to care, spread them someplace nice (and legal) so your conscience is clear. Deny any further knowledge about the remains. If anyone tries to guilt you about - you can tell yourself it was a better resting place than a box in a laundry room.

kamloops-preview wrote:

Reach out to his son the realtor. You can easily track his work address online and courier them to him. Add a note saying that these are your dad's ashes, they should be with you. They should be dealt with by loved ones.

unlovelyladybartleby wrote:

YTA if you put the ashes of a human person in a dumpster. Seriously? You think that's okay? Sprinkle them in a park or a lake or sneak them into an old cemetery. Drop them off at a church and explain that you don't want them but you've realized that only a monster throws a human being in a dumpster.

mnemonicprincess wrote:

Take the ashes down to your local police station and ask them what you should do. In some places it might be illegal to dump cremated remains in the garbage. Better safe than sorry. Maybe the police can contact them to come pick the ashes up.

Miscellaneousthinker wrote:

YTA. Because completely independent of the situation itself, there are simply better alternatives to throwing human remains in a dumpster. If you’ve completely run out of options for returning the remains to the family, like just mailing them to the realtor son’s address (whether he wants them or not), then you can still scatter them somewhere that could be visited in the future and offer a moment of silence.

This won’t cost you anything, and is a far less tragic resting place that won’t haunt your conscience, or cause the family additional trauma should they ever wonder where his remains ended up or want to visit them. It’s just the decent thing to do.