'AITA if I stop caring about my mother after she decided to leave us?' UPDATED 4X

"AITA if I stop caring about my mother after she decided to leave us?"

So I'll give some of my family lore so it makes a bit of sense why I feel the way I do in this kind of a situations. This is gonna be a doozy, so be warned. Ages for reference me F28, sister 31, dad 73, mother 61.

My mother has always needed to be the centre of attention. If it wasn't acting in local plays it was her chronic illnesses and frequent hospital stays. In moments when she was capable of doing things herself, she didn't and got my sister and I to do everything for her. And once my sister and I moved out my dad ended up taking over. She pretty much used us as servants.

Her health has declined quite a lot in the last decade since my sister and I moved out and she has developed early onset dementia. The progression is very slow, but I'm learning what she was like in high school...we would not have been friends and I probably would have been one of the people she bullied.

But she is cognizant enough to take care of herself, but her reality is so different and cracked from true reality. She doesn't realize how disabled she is. My dad has been taking care of her hand and foot for over a decade. He is the reason she is alive.

Back in 2004 he got a second opinion when one hospital sent her home to die, and for every reason they said she wasn't eligible for a liver transplant, the second hospital said made her the perfect candidate.

She wouldn't have done that herself. My dad said "we have 2 daughters under 10, they can't lose their mom." Yes, my dad was a complete ahole for many years of their marriage, but this year would have been 35 years of marriage and almost 40 years of knowing each other.

But my dad made a conscience effort to be a better man, husband and father. Any time he did wrong, he apologized for it and you could tell it was genuine. Mother never apologized unless she had to because silly dramatic voice she can't be wrong, she can NEVER be wrong...eye roll she is incapable of taking accountability.

Back in 2016, she got caught up in one of those Nigerian scams where they pretend to be an American soldier stuck overseas and needs help to come home. But then they just said, no come move to Hawaii and we'll start a family and own a soup kitchen...yeah...

This is not the first or last time that my mother has emotionally cheated on my dad with people on the internet. She is the type of person to make grand plans, but when it comes to executing them, she chickens out.

Fast forward to this past Sunday. My mother made plans with her mom to fly out west to spend a month out there with family and friends. Her plane left at 6 am on the 2nd and my dad is 73 so driving 2 hours to the city to get my mom on a plane that early was too much, so they came Sunday and stayed the night so I could drive them in the morning.

My sister had gotten her some gifts for Mother's day but we haven't been able to drive out to their place in a few months so my sister just had them in a bag waiting for either us going out or the parents to coming here. As our mother was opening the gifts she kept saying things like "oh I really love this. I wish I could bring it out with me...well I guess I can get dad to send it out."

(Quick side note. I'm autistic and cannot read between the lines for people I don't know well, but the people I know I read WAY too far into what they're saying so I said "is there something I need to know that I don't?" She responded "not yet." Which means that there is DEFINITELY something I don't know that I should know but she is too chicken to tell me.)

Shortly after all this, I go to bed because it had gotten late and I wanted to be well rested to drive them to the airport at like 3am. We didn't leave till 4am and once we got to the airport, we found one of the airport wheelchairs for her because her balance and leg strength is horrible.

My dad's back was hurting so much that he couldn't wait in the check in line with my mother so I had to. Once I found I would be walking her through I had to change the way my mind was working and I pretended like I was flying out and put myself into that brain mode.

Which means I tend to push emotion to the side for processing speed and get-stuff-doneness. After my dad had left to go and park the car somewhere safe while waiting for me to emerge after sending my mother off, she said:

"I just want to go home. I just want to be home." - mother

"but you've been wanting to go out west for ages to see your mom and your friends." - me

"Yeah. But I just want to go home."

"We can't do that. The flight has been paid for and it's a waste of money and time. And you're gonna have a great time!"

She sighs and we continue in the line. The lady at the check-in counter was super sweet and waved the baggage fees because we were having issues getting the money and she gave me a temp pass so I could walk my mother down to her gate and see her off. So we dealt with her bags and headed to security.

Everything went well and fast which was awesome. But of course her gate had to be the very last one at the other end of the airport, so we had to pass all the shops and food places. She kept wanting to stop and get stuff but I told her "we need to get to your gate, see what's going on, and if they haven't started boarding yet then we can go back and grab some stuff."

Once we got to her gate (we're in Canada), they were calling last call for boarding zone 9, I ran up and said "my mom is zone 9." They asked if I was flying as well, I said no I'm just walking her here. I asked if I could walk her to the plane, but they said no. So I gave her a hug and let one of the gate people walk her down. I waited till I couldn't see her anymore and then started walking away.

The feeling that I had was abandonment because of what she was saying the night before made me think she wasn't coming home, and I wanted to make sure she could get to her seat properly because her legs are horrible.

I let my dad know that I was coming back out and to meet me at arrivals because I couldn't leave the way we came in. I took over driving from him so we could go back to my place. The plan was for him to stay a few days and just chill out. It's the first time he's been away from my mother since 2012.

And back then, he at least had the dogs to keep him company, but this time he would be going home to an empty house. Once we got home, we both went back to bed for a few hours. When we got up my sister and her bf needed to go and renew their health cards.

While my dad and I we're waiting for my sister and bf we went to a few motorcycle shops (he loves motorcycles) and we found a few we LOVED. When we were done looking at all the bike shops near us, we went back and parked out front because they were still waiting in line.

My dad and I chatted for a bit, then I asked him "so... is there something I need to know that I don't? Is mom coming home?" He promptly responded "no. And I told her not to come back." I grabbed his hand and put my head on his shoulder and started crying. The only words that came from my mouth were "thank you."

(If that doesn't speak for itself without knowing the deep family lore, I don't know what does) he and I kept talking about it for a while and why he told her not to come back. Turns out she has been getting scammed by, what we know is an ai chat bot scammer pretending to be Elon musk, but in her cracked reality she thinks is the legit guy.

My sister saw some of the messages being sent and they were the most generic stuff you could ever think of. She would say something and it would never respond to what she said and would just go on with generic responses and questions. She said she was going to go out west and meet her Elon and run away and have a better life.

My dad said "if you leave, don't come back. You're not wanted because you're choosing to leave." I am the reason she is out there. I didn't let her chicken out when it came to actually going through with it.

Many months ago when this was first brought up as an idea that she might go out for a month, but nothing was set in stone. A deep, little dark part of me put one of those mini sticky notes up in my brain saying "she's not coming back if she leaves." And for almost the past year, random memories where my mother threatened divorcing my dad kept popping up in my head.

My dad has been very open with me in the past when we've talked, that he had been considering leaving her and I told him I would support him. So I felt like I saw this coming from a mile away. I felt abandonment, anger but mostly relief. I felt like a weight has been taken off my chest and I can breathe again.

I know that my feelings are valid and I never thought otherwise. Since it's been almost a week, most of my feelings of abandonment have faded because, she CHOSE to leave. She CHOSE to leave the people she said she loved the most.

She CHOSE to turn her back on the things she said made her who she always wanted to be, a mom. You might notice I refer to her as "mother." That is because she hated it when we called her mother. And she has lost her "mom" card...more like given it up. Something I realized when I was telling my friend about this was that she didn't say "I love you" at the gate before they took her down the walkway.

My dad is handling things really well. He is the type of person that once his mind is made up, that's it that's all folks. One day he decided he wanted to quit smoking cigarettes, and he quit cold turkey. He made his mind up and that was it.

He was so scared of how I would react when I found out she wasn't coming back, I'm really sensitive to stuff and can't handle certain things sometimes, but he said that I completely amazed him when I said thank you after he told me she wasn't coming back.

One of the biggest reasons my sister and I haven't come to visit is because of our mother. She is so much, will say thing that are purposely hurtful, wouldn't be active in conversations and would click into them at the worst moment or wouldn't hear things properly and freak out.

Now, we already have plans made to go to dad's for Father's day and then he's going to come here for his birthday. Something my dad said when we were all talking in response to my sister and I saying that we just want our old mom back, we want the woman who raised us back...

He said "she's always been this way. She was just better at hiding it when you were kids. It's always needed to be the -insert mothers name here- show. She has always needed to be the centre of attention." Once we started becoming our own people and not the daughters she wanted us to be the veil started to fall.

I'm one of those people that hind sight is 20/20 only once I am out of a situation... and looking back...there were so many times that makes that fact shine. She put her needs above her children's so many times. So, would I be the ahole if I stopped caring about my mother and completely turn my back on her after she decided to leave us?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

MaxieAfton17 said:

Absolutely NTA. Throw that mom in the trash! As a new mom, I'd always has to be the *my son* show. I can never understand how a mother could treat their own kids like this and I most definitely can't understand how anyone can't cheat. Do your healing journey boo!

PrestigiousTrouble48 said:

This was such a beautiful story, I’m so glad you had your dad and he taught you strength and love, you obviously never would have gotten that without him. I hope you are all happier and closer now.

gemmdoras said:

You are NTA.

FIRST UPDATE:

SO. She tried calling me the other day and when i picked up she said "Hi Bubba, how are you?" In a sickeningly sweet tone. I replied "I'm sorry, I don't really want to talk to you right now." And hung up on her. She has hung up on us SO many times mid conversation so I don't feel bad.

Later that day I had a call with my grandma (mother's mom) pretty much to tell her, don't put my mother on a plane until you have heard from one of us (my sister, dad or me) that we actually want her back, don't listen to her if she says that we said it's ok for her to come back. I prefaced everything with "grandma, I respect you too much to lie to you.

So everything I'm about to say is the truth according to how I know it." I gave her the run down of WHY mother is out there and after I said it all she responded "huh... that's not what I've been hearing on this end." With a tone of "my daughter is lying to me and my granddaughter isn't." I told her that I didn't want her to be used by my mother.

She said at one point "well your mom is a big girl, she can handle her own things." And in my mind I was like "YEEEEEESSSSSSS I'm so proud of you grandma, don't let you daughter manipulate you!" Once we were done the main conversation she said "I hope that with everything that's going on and how horrible and sad it is, I hope that we can still have a relationship.

You, sister's name and I." I told her that I would love that and that I don't want to lose the last grandparent I have. I'm so happy with how well that call went. Grandma has always been very receptive to me and the things I have to say. She didn't interrupt me, she let me get everything out.

I told her if she has any other questions to come and ask me, or if she needs clarification on anything. I've become a sponge absorbing all the knowledge and facts about this so that my autistic brain can try to understand. I've been digging through my memory trying to find anything I can that was a red flag and a precursor to this situation.

At 00:50 on 13th, my mother started sending me texts. They were pictures so I would have to turn my data on to be able to open them, which I didn't do at first because I was asleep. One thing you need to know about me is that I am a sleeping bear when I'm asleep...don't poke the sleeping bear because I will come for your throat.

I have horrific insomnia so my sleep is VERY precious to me. And my mother KNOWS that there is a 3 hour time difference. So if it's 9:50pm her time, it's midnight fifty my time. I sent her a message saying "can you stop please. Its past midnight and im trying to sleep and you keep waking me up."

Then i sent "just don't respond to this and let me sleep" because without a doubt she would have responded. I was awake at that point so I decided to open the messages and they were her smiling wearing pearls and saying that she misses me and wishes I was there. Oh lordy.

That PISSED me right the F off. Had it been any other time of day, had I been awake for an hour I wouldn't have sent this message... but because she woke me up and pissed me off I sent her this "I don't think you've realized, but I want nothing to do with you.

You CHOSE to leave us, and WE (sister, dad AND I) don't want you back. And I personally want NOTHING to do with you. Leave me and my family alone. And my family is just dad and sister. I'm blocking your number. Don't bother responding."

Now...I know that it comes off as pretty harsh and blunt...I didn't want to leave any room for misinterpretations. I wanted the words I sent to be the only words that rang through her head. And also, why should I give any care to how harsh it is because that is nothing in comparison to what she has put us through.

I wanted to unblock and send "I hope this hurt you. That way you get some semblance of the pain you've put us through." But I felt my other message laid everything out perfectly. I'm incredibly proud of myself for sending that. Because as I said, had it been any other time of day I wouldn't have.

But because I lose most sense of care when people wake me up unexpectedly, I went nuclear. I'm pretty sure that I was her favorite child because I talked back the least, I went above and beyond when she asked me to do anything, and that she always said how alike we are.

So I'm pretty sure my message cut her deep.. at least for 5 minutes... then she remember she is the main character in EVERYONE else's story. My sister and I are going to our dad's this weekend, and I'm pretty sure we're all gonna come to the same conclusion that we don't want her back.

She can stay out west and live out her life where she wants to be. We weren't even her plan B...we were her plan C. Her plan A was to run away with her Elon chat bot (everyone knows it's a chat bot scammer but her), plan B is to stay with her mom, plan C was to come crawling back to us hoping we would welcome her back with open arms.

No. Just no. My family deserves more than to be someone's plan C. My family is too good for her. We don't deserve this kind of treatment. I keep saying that I'm so happy that I'm the reason she is out there.

Because she tried to chicken out in the check in line. And had my dad been the one with her, he probably would have turned around and gone home with her. But I didn't let her. I walked her to that gate and I'm happy I'm the one who "forced" her to go.

I told my boss from my casual job about what was going on he said that if I need time off that's fine if I need to quit that's ok, I just need to do what's best for me and my mental health. Which... holy crap, I'm so thankful that I have him as a boss. He is also going through a similarish situation with his dad.

They have been no contact for 10 months and they're probably never going to talk again. My boss said "the only person I'm mad at is myself for giving him the mental time and effort. I wish I had dropped being mad at him, I wish I had stopped giving him my mental time a long time ago."

So I'm trying to keep that in my head when feelings of anger pop up towards my mother. I'm not going to give her my mental time. I'm happy that a lot of my feels of abandonment and anger has faded and it's more replaced with "she is so stupid. Why would you throw away 34.5 years of marriage, 31 years with one child and 28.5 years with the other, and then everything in between."

What ever emotion goes with that, that's what I'm feeling. I have alexithymia and can't figure out what my emotions are and what I'm feeling so I typically just give a statement and hope people can figure out what that feeling is, cause damn if I know.

That is so far all the updates I have. I think I'll have one more update when I call my grandma to tell her that we don't want her back. Dad has been moving all of his money and bill payments to a new account so that it would only be my mother's pension and disability coming to the original account. That way my dad can tell my mother that her money is in the account and that's that.

The money she gets it the money she has. If she wants to piss it away like she always does, then fine by me. She has to learn to take care of herself. She has a month or more worth of her meds, she's gonna have to figure out what to do once they're gone. If she wants any of her stuff from dad's she gonna have to pay to get it sent out to her.

She is going to have to take care of herself. Cause I'm pretty sure grandma isn't going to take care of her, her husband is in his 90s and is pretty sick so she is already his caretaker, so she can't add my mother onto that plate.

There is a very sick and dark part of me that KNOWS she is going to screw up and either not get her meds refilled in time, not get her bloodwork done, and that is either going to end up in liver failure from lack of meds, or that her diabetes is going to show back up and she's gonna end up in a coma. And I truly don't care. She is nothing but the woman who birthed me and that is it. Thank you for you time.

NOTE: We didn't do the call last night with my mother. We were all a fair bit burnt out. But we're gonna do it tonight. I'll put out a second update post tonight. My time is EST. So I'm guessing around 11pm or a bit after. But also depending on JUST how good or bad it goes, I might call in tomorrow so I can wrap my head around things.

Plan is so say along the lines of "we have things. If you hang up the phone, we're done. If you check out mentally or emotionally, we're done. You need to stay quite and listen to all that we have to say, if you interrupt, we're done." Right as soon as we start the call with her.

I know for a damn fact she is going to check out either mentally, emotionally, or hangs up the phone. She can't handle hearing when she's wrong. She can NEVER be wrong in her mind. I'm also going to tell my mother that I'm recording the conversation. That way we have the evidence. She can't keep her lies straight, and she is not as convincing as she once was.

I'm also going to send a text to my grandma to give her a warning that we're going to be calling my mother, and that I will call her (grandma) as soon as we finish so I can tell her what happened. And I'll have the recording to prove to grandma EXACLY what was said.

Here's what people had to say to OP about the first update:

gemmdoras said:

Oh, man! This is a sad story. I mean, I completely get why you feel the way you do and why you went off on her the way you did and when you did, but the why of it is just so messed up. I hope over time you, your sister, and your Dad can emotionally heal from the trauma that was/is your mother.

SuspiciousMarzipan94 said:

Your mother and mine would have gotten along famously. Although narcissists don't generally like to hang together. No contact is truly the only way to deal with NPD people. My sisters and I had to do that with our mother towards the end of her life. NTA. Your mental and physical health will thank you very soon.

evilslothofdoom said:

Hi OP, I'm autistic with alexithymia too. One thing i've done to help recognize emotions is to identify what the thoughts are behind the emotion. There's always a bunch of emotions going on constantly so it's hard to sort through the cacophony.

When the emotions get too much I try to change the thought that's influencing them. Hope this helps You've done amazingly with your mum. I hope you, your sister, dad and grandma become a happy family.

nolongerabell said:

I'd like to start off saying I'm proud of you. I've been no contact for 4 years. My mom is 1000% like your mom except she doesn't believe the scams she is the scammer then gambles it away.

But the people she scams are her family, with aksi all of her toxic lies abuse and manipulation. And best decision I have ever made. Don't accept the toxicity in your life. It's never worth it. Your family did the correct thing. She either needs to stand on her own and fall or stand on your own and stay upright. It's her own choice now.

Jaded-Permission-324 said:

I would recommend getting a restraining order, so that if she does show up, she can be arrested for violating the order. That should take care of any unexpected visits.

SECOND UPDATE:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Oh my god... just... oh my god. Guess, guess what!!!! SHE HUNG ON UP ON US. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

So she knows that she isnt coming back and has fully come to that conclusion. BUT SHE SAYS MY DAD KICKED HER OUT. HELL TO THE NO HE DIDNT. He told her "if you leave to go out west and have you sexual fling, don't come back." She could have chosen to not leave. My grandma was completely dismissive when I called. So she has made her decision to side with my mom. G-ma is a lost cause.

She refuses to take any responsibility for ANY THING that has happened. She thinks my dad has legal obligation to send her stuff out to her. NO. She is legally responsible to pay to get her shit sent out.

She MADE THE CHOICE TO LEAVE. She walked out and didn't say a god damn word. She left my dad to tell us she isn't coming home. We gave her WAY too much credit. We thought she didn't realize she wasn't coming back. No idea when she realized that. Don't really care.

She hung up on us, so she is done. I will not be taking any calls from my mother or from my grandmother. My mother has chosen her happiness above the truth and above the happiness of her children.

Had she been honesty with us that she was leaving out west to move out there and WHY she was moving out there. My sister and I might still have a relationship with her. But she left my dad to tell us and expects us to treat her as our mother.

"You guys don't appreciate how hard this is for me." My mother verbatim. I'll put up some other direct quotes once I listen back to the recording. ALSO FOR LEGAL REASONS Canada has a one party consent for recording personal conversations. So we were well within our right to record the conversation.

Here's what people had to say about the second update:

MaxieAfton17 said:

Just block both mom and grandma at this point because oh my good golly gosh. Keep me updated.

xXMimixX2 said:

I don't think that will be the last of it.

triciama said:

Could the problems your mother is having be caused by her having dementia? You said in your first post she has this. This could cause her to act recklessly. Dementia doesn't get better, it gets worse, your mother is going to need help and support.

Silly_Hour87 said:

I thought you said your grandma was pretty chill about it and half knew your mom lied anyway. How’d that take a full 180 already?

THIRD UPDATE:

I have an update, but it's not what any of us were expecting. I was expecting my mother to come after my father legally with the backing of my grandmother, but... just wait... (spoiler it isn't worse... in an unfortunate way I kinda wish it were more exciting).

So she called my dad on Tuesday and they chatted and she is apparently going to be going to a disabled women's facility out west. Pretty much what we wanted her to do here, but she had to throw everything away to realize it herself. As they kept talking she asked him "do you still love me?" And he replied "I don't know how to answer that question." Then she weaseled her way out of the conversation and hung up.

She called back the next day and they chatted again. While they were talking it came up that if they are going to divorce that it's going to be amicable. This would be my dad's second divorce that would be amicable (second divorce ever) so he knows the process on what to do. Once again she asked "do you still love me?"

And dad was prepared this time "I miss the woman I married and I love the woman I married, but I'm not happy with who you've become and what you've been doing." Dad and I think that she is still keeping in contact to put out the feelers and see if she can weasel her way back or if she can chisel away at his resolve enough for him to take her back.

Dad kinda hopes this goes long for as long as it can because he wants to see a lawyer and figure EVERYTHING out before they actually get divorced. She hates change more than I do and so going into a facility full of other women, in a new place that she doesn't know, and that her family is not going to come and see her...

She is kinda freaking out. I don't blame her, but at the same time, f you b. You made you choice now live with the consequences. I am still worried that my grandmother is going to try and fund her coming after my dad. Because my grandmother was just as bad if not worse to her kids. My mother is the middle child and for sure was treated that way.

But it's still the mother show and she is still the main character in all our stories... eye roll she will be happier out in BC and we will be happier with her out there. Now we have an even better excuse to never go and visit her. Because has she stayed and decided to move into an assisted living facility or long term care in the city my sister and I live in, we would have had no excuses for not going to visit.

But all-in-all, I am mourning the loss of the woman who I called my mom and who was killed by the woman she is today. I miss the woman who raised me, because she was a decent mom. Not everything was bad. I have wonderful and good memories of her. And that is the woman I mourn. Not the one on the other side of the country who turned her back on us. I have no love in my heart for her.

She completely betrayed all of the trust I had in her and showed that she isn't worthy of being called "mom." Like I said in one of my previous posts, she gave up her mom card when she decided she was going to get on that plane and leave without tell my sister or I anything. I am still SO happy that I put her on that plane and that I didn't let her chicken out.

I'm just so disappointed in her. My dad said it to her while they were talking and she tried to talk her way around it. But no matter what she says it's not going to change the truth, and the plain and simple truth is that she is a complete disappointment to her husband of 34.5 years, and her 2 daughters.

She chose to leave our family to go and have a sexual fling and expect us to welcome her back with open arms. Dad said if you leave, don't come back. And I cried and said thank you when he told me that. She threw the last 38ish years away... for an elon musk ai chatbot... what a f@cking disappointment.

I know I'm NTA based on all the comments on my previous 3 posts in this saga. I'm still just wrapping my head around things and taking time to do so. I hope that this is the last update I have. I kinda want to move on from this and start this new chapter in my life. I can say that it has been a pretty good start so far.

My sister and I have see my dad 3 times since the beginning of this and that is more than we have hung out with him since December. I might go to his place this weekend if I'm feeling up to it and if I'm not working on Sunday.

It's just nice to be able to go to my childhood house and not feel the need to be lesser of myself, not feel the need to dull myself to be more palatable, it's nice being able to go there and have someone ther who loves me for EXACTLY who I am and supports me. My dad has become the dad he always wanted to be, and I am so proud of him for so many different reasons.

Thank you for reading my mess of a life that has been the past checks calendar 24 days blink blink blink is that all!? Damn. What my dad feels like is a bad movie, I hope my story chills tf out soon tho...I'm exhausted and just want to enjoy my life again.

Here's what people had to say about the third update:

xXMimixX2 said:

Hopefully, that really is the end of it. Though, until it is finalized, I wouldn't count on it. But let's see.

PrestigiousTrouble48 said:

Best wishes for you and your family. It was lovely to read your story, extremely well written.

Conchita_21 said:

Coming from someone who also has a horrendously crappy mother as well, CONGRATUFREAKINLATIONS to all of you!!! Enjoy your new peaceful life! And never look back, it distracts from the now.

Silly_Hour87 said:

I hope your father doesn’t give in. The three of you don’t deserve her chaos. Update me if you can. I love the tea. Especially since my mother is a narcissistic narwhal and I can totally relate.

FOURTH UPDATE:

Good lordy... I was hoping there would be a longer break before another update. So, as many of you thought, there is an update...this is a compilation of a few things that have happened since my last update.

I make notes every time I learn something new. Quick recap with demographics- me (28F), sister (31F), dad (73M), mother (61F) all Canadian, sister dad and I live in Ontario, mother is in BC.

So about a month ago, my mother called my sister and they had a very productive talk. It is the most clear she has been in a very long time, according to my sister. My mother actually took accountability for many things. She still claims she didn't know she wasn't coming back until a few days after she arrived out west and the reality started to set in.

My sister said that she feels like my mother does love her but that she doesn't like her. Mother stated that she actually loves who my sister has become and that my sister is willing to set and stand firm to her boundaries, and that she isnt a doormat anymore. Mother did admit that she doesn't like that the person my sister has become has made it hard if not impossible to manipulate her.

My sister said that our mother should NOT call me, and she said she understood that. My sister clarified that I probably am never going to want to talk to our mother again and that there is nothing our mother can do to repair our relationship. Which, go sister, thank you for telling her that because it's the damn truth.

Side bar: I don't HATE my mother, I just truly only see her as the woman who birthed me and nothing more. I give my dad the majority of the credit for me turning out the way I am. And I am damn proud of the person I've become. I've worked really hard to be who I am today.

End of side bar my mother did say that she is willing to put in the time, and when I'm ready the effort, to try and mend our relationship. My sister said that there is no mending her and my relationship, she would need to build a whole new one and prove she is worth my time to even try and build a new relationship.

I want to reiterate that my mother lost all the trust that I had in her when she decided to get on the plane and not tell us she wasn't coming back. Had she just been honest with us and told us she wasn't happy in her relationship and that she needed to go out west, my sister and I would probably be hurt, but would still have a relationship with her.

Yes I personally would be decently happy that she would be gone, but still a bit hurt that she never said anything to me. She used my sister as her personal therapist and friend. My sister suggested so many times that my mother talk to her friends about the stuff that's going on...because that's what friends are kinda for...and your child should not be your friend or your therapist...am I wrong???

So my sister knows a LOT about things she should not know about concerning our parents relationship. Which I thank her for not telling me and scaring me. another quick side bar I just gotta give my sister some massive applause for being the best sister in the universe. No one will ever convince me otherwise, and yes I have a bias, but if you knew her you would see what I mean.

She is the sweetest, most caring, thoughtful, intelligent, and gorgeous person inside and out. She is my rock and my absolute best friend. I do not know what I would do without her. She knows when to tell me things and what things she shouldn't tell me.

She is my special person end of side bar my mother said on many occasions "well I can't call -insert mother's friends name here-, she wouldn't understand." She wouldn't understand??? Or she would see how delulu you are and set you straight.

My mother always seemed to make friends with some of the strongest back boned people. Her best friend would have flown out here and smacked my mother upside the head and told her how stupid she was being if she had known what my mother was thinking.

Quick personal emotional update from me about the situation. I am able to speak about her positively. I just imagine that she is dead. So whenever a bad thought pops up I try to replace it with a good memory I have of her. It has really helped me to detach myself...in a way...from the situation, or at least compartmentalize it.

My neurologist told me that I should try and seek some therapy to help me work through the things I can't on my own, because it will probably help with my chronic migraines.

I have access to the employee assistance program through my work and my sister used to work for that company so she has some ways to get me the proper help I need (which would be someone who knows how to work with autistic women). When talking with my patients about my mother I do say mom, because i just don't want questions.

My sister and I went to dad's over the long weekend, neither of us were feeling the best so we did end up leaving earlier than originally planned. But we got to have a really good time. My sister went up for a nap and dad and I had a good talk about my mother.

Apparently she has somehow gotten access to his bank account and has been spending his money which...there isn't an emoji that exists that could express my rage...

She called him when we were chatting and I told him he can pick it up. You guys, he went through BIT BY BIT every amount of money that has come into his account, where it came from, if it was in his name (which each deposit was to his name), the amount of money that has left his account, and where it said it went to.

Yo, there were MULTIPLE withdrawals from the area she is staying i, and another online shop. The reason he went over each thing that came in is because she claimed there was a 600$ deposit that went to him but was for her from the government...

B, you already changed your official address and bank account information with the government within a few days of being out west...WHAT THE F?!!??! He told her that he needs her to pay him at least half of what she owes him, and then they can figure out a payment plan for the rest.

He is a better person than I. As soon as the conversation starts going a way she didn't want she weasels her way out of the conversation and says she needs to leave right then to do something important. He and I chuckled about her doing that after he hung up.

Update on her situation from what I have heard. My aunt called me and we had a chat. She is concerned about my mother's dementia and just how disabled she is... she legit asked "do you know how much she is shaking, and how confused she can get." I kinda did a wtf face.

Like no crap I know how my mother's health is. This is the first time my aunt has seen my mother since 2012. Apparently my mother has fallen back into her hoarding habits, is being a horrible stuck up house guest, is making my grandmother's life a fair bit more difficult, and is blaming...guess who...my dad for it all.

Of course she still loves the man and wants him to take her back. He has stated and keeps stating she isn't welcome back with either him or my sister and I. "None of us want you back. Not me, not the girls. We don't want you to come back here." He asked me if it was OK if he said that to her the next time she called him, I of course said yes.

He has been shutting her down every time she tries to manipulate him, which is annoying her. Tough sht. He doesn't want to get a divorce because it's just a lot, he wants to keep things as amicable and friendly as he can for as long as he can. Which I don't blame him.

She and my sister had a call when my sister found out about the money my mother has spent from my dad's account...it did not go well...mother is having her good, "lucid" days and her bad "delulu" days. Well, my mother went back and refuses to take accountability for certain things, STILL keeps blaming my dad for her being out west, and blaming him for the degradation of my and hers relationship.

Despite saying she realized that she knew she was caught up in a fake elon musk romance scam, SHE GOT MESSAGED BY A NEW ELON MUSK FAKE ACCOUNT SCAM..."but this one is real and he sent me 1000$"..."Then pay dad back the money you owe him."

Mother stutters and stumbles over he words "well I can't until Tuesday because it's a long weekend and the banks will be closed on Monday." When dad was on the phone with her, we told her she can just send him an etransfer... that is when she weaseled her way out of the conversation.

She is just becoming an absolute nightmare again. I told my sister she needs to block our mother for at least 2 weeks, give herself time to try and disconnect from her, see if she can see her therapist, and just do as I do, pretend the b is dead.

This is why I constantly say that being autistic is like I was taken out at the knees, but given a book of cheat codes. The way I can just cut people out of my life is damned impressive and my sister wishes she could do, I've realized things that my 80 year old patients haven't realized, and so much more.

(Best advice I can give is to schedule your cries. If you tend to be a person who cries at stupid things, schedule yourself time to cry over stupid things and get that out in a productive healthy way. I've found that I notice when I miss my cry sessions because I end up being a lot more emotional through out the week. I like to find and save sad memes, YouTube shorts, reels, or tik tok if you use it (I never will).

Well my fellow kings, queens and everything in-betweens, I hope that this has given you a fill of some family drama updates. I'm probably gonna do a "when I find 2 really big things out, I'll update" kind of thing. Because I can only handle so much of this God forsaken ride. Also, quick apologies for my last update being in the friend feud section. My dyslexia got the best of me and I completely thought it said family feud.