'WIBTA if I ignored my parents 'olive branch' after the traumatic birth of my babies?'
"WIBTA if I ignored my parents 'olive branch' after the traumatic birth of my babies?"
Ok_Significance220
My (30F) and my husband (38M) have been together for 12 years, married for 7. I had a strained relationship with my parents (late 60’s) prior to meeting my husband, due to my mothers behaviour and my fathers non action against it.
Some examples for context. My father went away for his work for about 6 months when I was 8. My mother didn’t do any of the motherly duties and relied on me to care for my younger siblings.
Aside from taking us to school, she didn’t do homework, cook us dinner or wash our clothes (my dad did all this before he went away). At 8 I was making sandwiches for my siblings whilst my mum would read her book in the bath. I would put them to bed and would make sure they had clean clothes as we were being picked on for being the dirty kids.
We went NC about 11 years ago when I became seriously unwell (2 weeks in intensive care, followed by a further 5 weeks in hospital) and my parents didn’t contact me once - they knew as my now husband called them. They didn’t visit, call or text, but posted on social media about how devastated they were with the situation, acting like the most caring parents in the world.
When my husband and I got engaged, we sent invitations to our wedding to them, with no response. They didn’t attend. My husband reached out to my father when shortly after we got married I found I was expecting. The response was lacklustre, along the lines of “I hope you’re both happy” but nothing more. No contact after that, nor when we had our second child.
Recently, we had a very traumatic pregnancy and birth, with my babies arriving 3 months early with major complications. 2 weeks after the birth, I received contact from my parents in the form of a Facebook request and a message saying “long time, no speak”, which I have not responded to. We speak to numerous members of the family, so imagine they have heard what’s happened.
I don’t know what to do, I don’t understand why they would reach out now, when I’ve had many major life events in the interim (wedding, birth of first and second child, graduating university etc). I can only imagine it’s similar to when I was in hospital and all about attention or what they can say on social media. I don’t trust their motives at all.
My husband and I are at odds over this though - he believes they may have realised the error in their ways and are trying to make amends. It’s causing arguments because he thinks I should accept the friend request and what he perceives as an olive branch. I genuinely don’t know what to do. WIBTA if I block them and remain NC knowing this will probably be it until they die?
EDIT:
Hi all, thank you for all your comments so far - didn’t anticipate this blowing up so much. With regard to my husbands age, yes, he’s 7 years older than me - we got together when I was nearly 19 and he was just turned 26.
There was no “grooming” or any other perverted situation surrounding us. He does take on a bit of a parental figure at times, and this is something we have been working on for 8 years with the help of a therapist.
For more context, my husband isn’t keen for me to reconnect with my mother. His intentions are my dad. He agrees our children should never have any contact with my mother, nor would he ever push for us to speak. His view is that my dad is a victim as much as I am - that he’s trapped in an abusive relationship and to some extent I agree which is where my indecision comes from.
If my parents divorced and went NC with each other I would probably look to reconnect with my father on a LC basis without children involved. I will show my husband the responses when he gets back from work.
For those who asked about the babies, they’re still in nicu and more than likely will be for the next couple of months. They’re doing well all things considered and are stable now. Thanks for taking the time to read and respond.
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
AdPrevious6839
NTA, it comes across as your husband has not had abusive parents and so cannot understand what you've been through. I would not contact them at all, they do not deserve to be apart of your or your children's lives. They forfeited those rights when they neglected you and parentified you as a child and that is abuse.
Plastic_Concert_4916
I agree with you, but wanted to point out that you don't need to have lived through abuse to have empathy for people who have. Or at the least to respect their opinion on the matter, even if you don't understand it. I don't speak to my brother for reasons I won't get into.
My husband has never even hinted that I should accept his attempts to make amends because, even though he can't wrap around not being close to all your siblings, he respects my experience and my decisions.
Ok_Significance220 (OP)
I agree - it has been a discussion point between my husband and I on several occasions. He cannot fathom not having a relationship with your parents. In his words, he doesn’t want me to live with regrets. His intentions are good, he’s just not the most emotionally intelligent person sometimes.
After he reached out when I was expecting (I wasn’t aware) and he told me what happened when I got upset about the situation, he has never done anything like it again - he just feels like this is a last chance saloon and I’ll regret it if we never speak again. I do know however he will not speak to them unless that’s what I want.
bookreader-123
NTA. I wouldn't care if they have a coming to Jesus moment. Too little too late.
snazzy_soul
NTA— I think it is healthy for you to continue to be NC with them. I assume your husband as loving motivations for pushing you to reconnect, but you need to follow your own instincts. Your parents have never been there for you.
They even used your misfortune for FB points. Their personalities haven’t changed. They most likely don’t have good motivations for wanting to reconnect, but even if they did, they are not capable of supporting you.