'AITA for ignoring my dad and the new family he's made?' 'I got this DM from his wife.'

"AITA for ignoring my dad and the new family he's made including his other children?"

My parents got divorced almost 8 years ago after my sister, who was 3 at the time, died. I was 10 at the time. When my sister died, my dad treated mom like garbage. He turned emotionally and verbally abusive and blamed my mom for my sister's death. He'd do this in front of me, as well as plenty of name calling.

My sister was born prematurely and even though it wasn't super early she had an issue with her heart and her stomach and a combination of complications from those things was the reason she died. None of that was mom's fault.

My parents had IVF to conceive my sister because they couldn't naturally have more kids after me. The whole thing really destroyed my mom and made me hate my dad. Like I would not care if he dropped dead and for a while I wished he would so he'd stop treating my mom like crap. He continued during and even after the divorce.

What made him stop was when I turned 13 I told him I hated him and I never wanted to see him again and I fought (with mom's help) for the ability to stop being at his house which I won. I turned 15 before I could get out of every call/visit though. Because the judge tried to insist on contact for a while.

Dad fought to have a relationship with me. I didn't want one and I still don't. He's since remarried and he has at least one kid. He sent an invite to his wedding which I ignored. He tried to let me know about his kid but I ignored him then too.

He tried to use the two relatives who still talk to him to get to me but I told them I wanted nothing to do with him or any kids he has and I don't care if that makes us half siblings because we're never going to be family and that's not something I'll ever feel guilty for or regret.

He's still trying though and then I got this DM from his wife who told me that my dad always loved me and I had to understand what losing my sister did to him. Then she pleaded the case for her kid(s?) who she said are innocent and deserve the chance to have a relationship with me.

She said ignoring them just meant I was furthering the hurt and it wasn't fair to the innocent in all of this. I ignored that too and got roasted by one of the relatives dad talks to who told me I was using this as a punishment when it was time for healing and to think about the innocence of the children involved.

So here's me asking if I'm TA because I still feel unmoved by all of this and still intend to ignore them and have no relationship (even with the half siblings). ETA a forgotten word.

Here's what people had to say to OP:

Spoedi-Probes said:

NTA. Some people don't even have relationships with their full siblings never mind step-siblings. Your Dad has taken a long time to realize he was an AH. He is now seeing the results of the Law of Unintended Consequences. You are not a therapy person for your Dad's Wife's kids.

ComprehensivePut5569 said:

NTA - Your father’s wife is out of line as is the other relative. If your father and his wife haven’t done expectations with their children about a relationship with you, then they are the ones hurting the kids. You’re doing nothing but protecting your peace. I would suggest blocking them all and don’t engage any further.

mcindy28 said:

NTA. When your Dad was acting like an ahole where were those same relatives because you the child was and is still involved? Ignore them, protect yourself and protect your Mom.

The rest of them including his wife can pound sand! She wasn't there and seems to forget that you and your Mom also dealt with the loss of your sister at the same time that he decided to become abusive. You owe them nothing.

CocoaAlmondsRock said:

Oh man. Personally, I'd sit down and list EVERY hateful thing he did to your mom. If he did those things to her while you were watching, what did he do when you weren't?

And then I'd send them to her. I'd make sure she knows EXACTLY why you hate him. Warn her that she better protect those kids because he'll blame her if something happens. NTA, of course.

Hoplite68 said:

NTA. Ignore them and if she reaches out again take her through all the abuse he put your mother through, and all he exposed you to. That you acknowledge the grief wasn't his fault, but it was his responsibility to deal with.

That you also lost a sister, your mother lost a child and he left you alone to deal with it. Lay it all out for her, and any of his relatives. He's sad he's facing consequences and without any actual apology you don't see the point in dealing with the man who failed you.

Apprehensive-Flow346 said:

NTA. Hi, I’d feel the same way as you. There are things we can forgive, but watching your father abuse your mother is not one of them. Between the fear, the hatred, and the cruelty he makes you feel, it’s only natural to want to forget he even exists. I completely understand that. I’d even go further — you did the right thing. Follow your own path.

But for your own mental well-being, you should consider talking to someone. Carrying that much hatred can hurt you in your daily life too. I imagine those violent scenes left a deep trauma. I truly wish you healing, and above all, don’t give in to his manipulations.