Mom urged to forgive teen daughter for encouraging infidelity; says, 'I honestly don't feel anything for them anymore.' AITA?
"AITA for ignoring my daughter for almost 6 months after she sided with my ex-husband when he cheated?"
Sufficient_Acadia348
6 months ago, my ex reunited with his "the one that got away" when he was out with our daughter. He was acting weird and "melancholy" after meeting her so our daughter asked about her and he told her about their tragic love story, which is literally just their parents being againts their relationship.
My daughter, who was a hopeless romantic, was deeply moved by their love story and pushed his dad to pursue his ex and cheat on me. And well, he cheated and I found out.
The day I found out about my ex cheating was a blur, I was crying so hard that day that I barely even understand what they were saying. But I remember my daughter saying "Mom, dad made us happy for years, it's time for him to be happy too."
I honestly would have laughed if she said that to me today, but at the time, I was crying so hard it didn't register how ridiculous she was. When we separated, our daughter declared she was staying with me, patting my ex on the shoulder and saying "I'll take care of her, dad, dont worry."
I just rolled my eyes at the time cause I was no longer speaking to them both. The first day my ex was gone, she surprised me with breakfast in bed, which I shoved down on the floor in front of her.
She cleaned it without complaint and after that day, I started locking my door to avoid such incidents. She cooks for me all the time, and everytime she does, I just ignore it.
In fact I didn't eat much at the time, because my ex would often come by and drop off groceries. Whenever the hunger would get too unbearable, I would order delivery and eat in my room.
Fast forward to 3 months, my ex came crying back, saying I was actually the one he loves. Which I honestly predicted because although he was very much hung up on the past, he was very sweet and loving to me.
Our marriage was literally something out of a movie, even after 17 years of marriage, we still acted like newlyweds. Date nights every weekend, cuddles, and playing video games together. We never even fought, we just bantered playfully.
The day he came back he told me how they always fought, about how she wasnt as understanding and loving as me, about how he missed my cuddles and playing video games with me. Of course I just ignored him.
After that day, he started staying at our house. He tried to sleep in our room the first night, but I stood up and slept in the living room. After that he started sleeping in the guest room.
That day too, I remember my daughter telling me, as she sat with me on the living, "Aren't you glad mom, dad is back. We're gonna be a family again." I would have laughed at her face if I wasnt busy treating her like air.
After that day, they started doing everything they could to make it up for me. My ex even started bringing me home flowers everyday. They gave me gifts, cooked and clean for me, and all the while, I just kept ignoring them, not uttering a single word.
3 days ago was the first day my daughter confronted me. Which is probably because it was her 17th birthday. I used to make homemade cakes for her and decorate the house depending on what her current interests were.
That day she was crying in the kitchen, and I just ignored her and walked past her to get coffee. She started talking to me, asking me why I couldnt forgive them. She told me I was being cruel, that they already did everything they could.
She cried and cried, telling me all the stuffs we used to do on her birthday, about how happy we were, about how she wants to go back to that. That day I looked at her for the first time in six months and I felt nothing.
I wasn't moved or anything by her tears. I didn't feel anger or hurt. I didnt feel sorry for what I did. After we stared at each other for a while, I just went back to my room without talking to her.
That day was also the day my parents came and talked to me. They're trying to get me to forgive my ex and daughter. They never asked me before to forgive them. They said the same things my daughter said, that I was being cruel.
When I confided to my best friend, she told me that maybe its time to forgive them. That my daughter was still so young and she made a mistake but she is still my daughter.
In all honesty, I don't feel like i did anything cruel, since they were the ones who betrayed me first. And although I'm not mad anymore, I honestly don't feel anything for them anymore and I feel like it's just a hassle to even try and be family with them. But people I know are insisting I just forgive them. Am I really the one being cruel here?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
Unfair-Board-7728
NTA - You need to file for divorce, the marriage is over. Next get therapy, not for them but for yourself.
Fienjouricen19761a
Absolutely, this level of betrayal is unforgivable. Focus on your healing and building a better future for yourself. NTA. You deserve better.
DisastrousMachine568
No you are not the cruel one. Both of the people closest to you betrayed you in the cruelest way, your trust in them is absolutely shattered. Your daughter actually started and encouraged your husband to cheat, thats just unbelievingly disrespectful.
Do your family think you have no feelings. Well you do, and they crushed you. There is only one way forward for you, divorce them, because this kind of betrayal you wont ever get over. You need to start anew, to find yourself and what makes you happy.
FesteringAnalFissure
Yeah this one actually makes you question where the line of punishment should be drawn. Ethics question for a uni class. Daugher is young, but she knows what she was doing because she's not that young, but she's also a hormonal teen so inevitably dumb, and also doesn't fully grasp the effect she can have on other people because of hormones and age.
Should mom quit the daugher altogether, or sit down and explain what she did and leave an open door, or is she right in losing any and all love for her? Is she cruel to the daugher AND to herself? Good stuff. We need more like this.
NixKlappt-Reddit
NTA. You should file for divorce and tell your daughter to stay with your dad. But you should still explain her, why forgiving isn't so easy in this case. Instead of breaking up with you, your husband decided to cheat on your back and she supported this.
You had a happy life. Your husband and daughter destroyed it and took the risk of hurting you. This is a break of trust, that is not repaired by any words or actions. You should get family counseling. Maybe you will never forgive your daughter but maybe you will find a way to somehow have a relationship with her again.