"AITA for ignoring a 'friend' in our friend group?"
I (F23) have been in the same friend group since I was 17. There are five girls and four guys. We’ve stayed friends over the years even though we’re all in different places now. During the pandemic, when I was 18, one of the guys (Jay) confessed that he liked me.
I didn’t believe him at first because I knew he used to like one of my friends (Lily), and I honestly thought he was joking. When I realized he was serious, I rejected him and said I only saw him as a friend. After that, he stopped talking to me and left our group chat. I didn’t tell anyone because I didn’t want to cause drama in the group.
A few years later, Jay was added back to the group chat. I didn’t really mind since we barely talked by then anyway. Later on, I had a sleepover with Lily and another friend (Ysa). That night, Lily told me that Jay had also confessed to her during the pandemic. She rejected him too, but he kept messaging her afterward and tried to guilt her about it.
That made me really uncomfortable, especially since he confessed to both of us around the same time. After that, I decided to distance myself from him. When our friend group met up at a café, I ignored Jay completely. Ysa noticed something was wrong, and I finally told her what had happened.
She got upset and removed Jay from the group chat, which confused everyone else. Jay denied doing anything wrong, and since I never explained my side, the others assumed it was just a small misunderstanding. During my college graduation, I didn’t want Jay there, but he still showed up with the rest of the group. I felt awkward and ended up ignoring him again the whole time.
I chose not to confront him directly because I wanted to avoid drama within the group. Now my friends can tell something is wrong, but they don’t know the full story, and I’m scared they’ll think I’m overreacting if I explain everything now. So, AITA for ignoring him instead of confronting him?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
maps823 wrote:
Info: What are you confronting him about?
OP responded:
I want to ask him why he did that then after years, pretended that it didn't happened at all (he never mentioned it again). As if he didn't put us in an uncomfortable situation.
exilicauda wrote:
YTA for making everyone uncomfortable and refusing to give any explanation. The explanation sounds like it'll be "he asked me and Lily out 4 years ago" though.
OP responded:
I wish it were that easy. Our friendship has this unwritten rule not to date each other, and he broke it. I’m worried that if I tell everyone, especially the other male friends, they might get physical. They’re very protective of us, and if they find out that Jay asked both me and Lily out, it could turn into a total mess.
_goneawry_ wrote:
I'm not sure what confronting him would have accomplished. You'll have to decide for yourself if this is still a big deal to you (it's ok if it is). It's not a good look that he was confessing feelings to both you and Lily, and it's definitely not ok that he tried to make her feel guilty about rejecting him.
That being said, the pandemic started almost 6 years ago and a lot of people got weird during that time in ways that are not representative of their best selves, and it doesn't seem like he's done anything offensive since then.
NTA for ignoring him when you were taken by surprise, but if he's going to be around I think you should probably either tell your friends your side of things or figure out how to be at least socially civil to Jay.
It creates tension that's uncomfortable for everyone if you are obviously ignoring one person in the group and no one knows way. Check in with Lily too about whether she's ok with him being around, she might have even more reason to feel uncomfortable around him depending on what he said in his messages.
OP responded:
It’s not really that big of a deal to me. I just feel uncomfortable having him around, knowing that he confessed to both me and Lily a few years back and now acts as if he didn’t. Like he didn't apologize or anything. In our friend group, we also have this sort of unwritten rule not to date each other. As for Lily, she’s currently dating someone else and doesn’t seem to mind having him around.
That’s why I’m torn about telling everyone, because I’m worried that bringing it up would create a problem even though it happened in the past. But I can’t really enjoy hanging out with them when he's around. Though right now, I'm planning to tell my girl friends everything, once we're all together, and see what we can do about it.
peachiest_of_LOS wrote:
Just a little bit of communication would go a long way here. Everyone is left confused cause they have no idea what’s going on. Meanwhile you’ve okayed detective and communicated with Lilly, and the person that kicked him out. If it’s such a big deal to you why not let the others know so they’re not left in the dark? ESH.
OP responded:
Our friendship has this unwritten rule not to date each other, and he broke it. I’m worried that if I tell everyone, especially the other male friends, they might get physical. They’re very protective of us, and if they find out that Jay asked both me and Lily out, it could turn into a total mess.
plaid_lad_8 wrote:
Soft ESH, he didn’t do anything heinous by confessing to both of you around the same time, but it is still uncomfortable and the way he responded to being rejected was removing himself and not talking to you for years. If someone responded like that and then re-joined the group much later I can imagine it would be awkward.
That being said, even if it’s an unfortunate spot for you (and maybe also Lily) to be in, I think for the sake of the group it would be good to have a chat with him and maybe clear some stuff up, maybe he doesn’t even realize that’s what you’re upset about, maybe you can get back to slightly better terms. Ysa shouldn’t have removed him from the chat over something you said, I feel like that made it worse.
OP responded:
That’s fair, and I appreciate this. After reading the comments, I’ve decided to talk to him personally if we ever get together, since I don’t really like the atmosphere between us. I also don’t want things to get messy by involving our other friends.
Zero_Patience1771 wrote:
I honestly think you and your girlfriends are YTA. Softly but a little.
Ignoring him at your graduation is whatever. You didn't invite him so you do whatever you want. However, I am confused to why would you ignore or confront? He had a crush on you and a crush on your friend. It happens. This was 5 years ago he confessed to liking you.
Then he confessed to liking your friend. You both rejected him. Why does it need to be awkward and how do you distance yourself from him when you don't talk anymore either... The messages between him and Lily would need context, if he was pushy for a bit but she was clear then he is the AH. If he tried again, nicely, NTA.
Grow up. I have best friends that have friends that I do not particularly like, I see them all the time at events. Guess what? I ask them how they are doing, make small talk and enjoy my time with my friends. I don't understand with the context of the post why ignoring him or confronting him is needed...