Woman ghosts friend after seeing his husband die; 'I can't go back.' AITA?
"AITA for ignoring my friend’s calls after his husband passed away?"
Warning: This story centers around death. I used to be friends with my neighbor Eli. He has a husband, Leo. About 1.5 years ago I distanced myself from Eli mainly because he’s kind of selfish and wasn’t a very good friend. I was still very friendly with both Eli and Leo though as we very briefly ran into each other once in a while.
I’ve been very depressed recent months. After crying all morning, I went shopping just to get out of the house. While out, I saw a bunch of missed calls and a text from Eli saying: “Leo just passed, please answer.”
I called him and all I could understand through his crying was “please come over.” So I rushed back. I saw an ambulance outside of our building. I thought “I wonder if Leo is in it”. I could hear Eli screaming as I ran down the hallway to their apt, and as I opened the door, I saw Leo’s dead body on the floor and Eli hugging him, sobbing, inconsolable.
They were watching TV when Leo suddenly got up and said he has pain in his chest, then collapsed. Paramedics came and pronounced him dead. They said we now have to wait for police.
We were waiting like this on the floor - Eli sobbing and hugging Leo’s body, and me hugging Eli - for almost 2 hrs. Then police came, and we sat on the couch right in front of Leo for another few hours. I did my best to stay calm and collected and help Eli. Many hours later, they took Leo away.
Eli asked me to help call Leo’s parents who didn’t know he was gay or married. He used Leo’s phone, and called his mom but she thought he was joking. He cried so hard I had to take over and break her heart myself.
Eli called his friends and family, begging to come be with him. Eventually Eli’s cousins came but didn’t stay long. I stayed till late night, ordered food, cleaned, etc We watched TV under the same blanket I used to cover Leo’s body. I didn’t sleep that night.
Next day his cousins came back for short time and left a mess. Multiple times Eli’s family and friends mentioned “Luckily that girl lives in the same building”. I started feeling I’m being used as an excuse to not step up.
Eventually, I got home and slept. As I woke up I realized I physically can’t go back there. Just the thought of entering that apartment makes me shake. Eli kept calling me and I didn’t respond. I eventually texted him I got sick. But he keeps calling me. I’m afraid if I answer he’ll cry and ask me to come.
I feel deeply affected by what happened. I keep seeing flashbacks. I’m afraid to leave my apartment because I’m afraid to run into Eli. I was already depressed and I’m so so lonely.
I don’t have any support system. My therapy doesn’t start for another two weeks. I don’t have anyone to talk to. I feel so guilty for ghosting Eli in this horrible situation when his whole world collapsed. AITA?
Here is what readers had to say in response to the OP’s post:
No, dear, there's NAH. This was a catastrophe and you are in crisis and need help. What happened to you was very traumatic and you are traumatized; you need to find help from your loved ones (or professionals, if those resources are available to you) to heal from this.
You can't draw water from an empty well, and in my opinion, you should only consider assisting Eli in ways that contribute to or at least don't completely derail your recovery.
You've already been more help to them than anybody else has. You can't keep anybody warm by setting yourself on fire. I'm so sorry this happened to both of you, what a horrible, tragic experience and loss.
General-Routine8691 (OP)
Thank you. I don’t have any loved ones though. I don’t have any family and I don’t have any friends. That’s the reason I have already been very depressed for a long time.
NTA, but honestly, I would just straight-up text him, that you are having panic attacks and flash backs to yesterday and you can't function. if he was your friend, he knows that already, and while upset will get it. My brother's death was hard, but I didn't blame anyone else for being as freakout as me, and I never saw his body. Death is hard. Good luck.
edit: also, he might be texting because he's worried what he did to you yesterday if you have an anxiety or panic disorder. That happens often with other people during a crisis. Afterwards they remember I can shut down and go into agoraphobia panic attacks.
General-Routine8691 (OP)
He most definitely doesn’t worry about that.
NAH. His husband just died and you were kind enough to help him through the immediate aftermath. It does suck that he doesn't have a support system he needs, but you don't either. You do need to respond to him and tell him that you can't emotionally support him how he needs right now.
He will probably take this badly, but there is nothing you can do about that. Be honest, offer your condolences, but don't let him guilt you into offering help you aren't equipped to provide. You recognize that you can't help him and yourself simultaneously.
General-Routine8691 (OP)
The thing is I actually don’t have a support system at all but he does, they just aren’t stepping up. I’ve heard him calling all of them, and more than once someone said something like: “It’s so great that girl is right there.”
His childhood friend who goes on trips with him and spends almost every weekend together has been texting me ordering: “Can you go check on Eli?”. I hadn’t even hung out with Eli in almost two years and we were never that close before that anyway. It feels like they’re all just grateful there’s a convenient neighbor around so they don’t have to do the emotional heavy lifting.
I think you have done as much as you can. I would text:
“I apologize for just getting back to you so late, but I have something I’m currently going through. I’m not ok. And right now with what you are going through, I don’t want to go into details.
I’m sorry for your loss and when I’m back to being 100 percent please allow me to be there for you. Talk to you soon❤️”
You have to think about yourself, as hard as it is, if you are not ok you will be no good to anyone else. I hope he can understand that.