'AITA for ignoring my husband after finding him in a shirt his 'work wife' bought him?' UPDATED
"AITA for ignoring my husband after finding him in a shirt his 'work wife' bought him?"
I (F30s) have been with my husband (M30s) for 5 years. Recently, in the last year, he has started a new job position, where his role is shared with his co-worker, Chelsea (F20s). I’ve noticed that his co-worker, has increasingly pushed my limits of my comfort, and I frankly just don’t trust her.
I’ve known Chelsea and her family for years prior to my marriage and I wasn’t keen on her then either. She does and says strange things that I don’t believe are malicious, but it’s almost like she wants to be a second wife to him?
I don’t feel insecure about her, but I feel creeped out. She’s shared with me that she sees my husband as like her brother, which irks me because she has an awesome brother…and I’m friends with her brother. She often calls, texts, and facetimes about work related and unrelated topics and I’ve heard someone refer to her as his “work wife.”
Unfortunately, my MIL passed last month, and it has been utter hell. In the midst of grief, Chelsea texted asking how my husband was doing and how she “cries every day thinking about him” and had told me that she knows exactly what I’m going through (no she doesn’t) and that she can’t wait to give my husband a huge hug.
Fast forward a little bit and she was drunk at a party and saw my husband leaving, where she confronted him about why he was leaving. He told her “I didn’t think I had to tell you what I’m doing,” resulting in her panic texting him after to make sure they were okay and trying to get him to talk to her by saying, “you can open up and talk to me or vent or just tell me to stfu”.
Strange to me. There have been more instances, but I know I have a limit. Anyways, his birthday was last week and she called him asking his shirt size and she made it a point to let him know she’ll never forget his birthday. Like why are you so creepy sometimes gf.
Yesterday, I’m cleaning the kitchen when he walks in and I notice he's wearing an unfamiliar shirt. I asked if it was new and he said “Chelsea got it for me” and my blood boiled. Instant rage and I went quiet. He asked if I cared and I remained silent and walked away.
I’m usually a huge communicator, but his mom just passed and he asked for no drama, and I’m trying my hardest to respect that, but I know I have zero patience and want to tell him it’s effing weird how involved a coworker is trying to become in his life and she needs to back down and focus on her own engagement.
Everyone I talk to says I’m not in the wrong and she’s being creepy, but I feel bad for ignoring my husband and walking away from him. I saw he looked upset and confused, but I know he’s already overwhelmed with grief and don’t want to make things worse. So, AITA?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Talk to your husband immediately and say "this isn't drama, this is threatening our relationship. You need to set boundaries with this coworker and you need to do it now. No more calling her your work wife, no more of this weird clingy friendship.
You become coworkers and you draw lines, this is too much and that shirt is the last straw. Stop it now. You might not see it, but she's either inappropriate by nature or she's trying to start an affair."
OP doesn’t realize she’s playing right into Chelsea’s hand by not communicating with her husband, if anything this is exactly what Chelsea wants, he’s in an fragile and emotional state right now and since OP is giving him the cold shoulder this means Chelsea can and certainly will use this as an opening to become his comfort and support!
This is how emotional affairs start… Op needs to communicate with her husband and quick!
And ask him how he'd feel if you came home wearing a dress a dude had bought for you.
Your husband wants no drama, but he wore the shirt? Could have changed in the car and thrown the shirt away, could have even refused the shirt………but he accepted and wore it……..did she even fasten his tie?
He’s enabling her behaviour! Dead MIL or not! He is enjoying the attention of a younger female. My concern is if he uses the excuse of grief as a means for something to happen between those 2.
Mental health professional here, hard agree with everyone saying you need to have an honest conversation with your husband. Express you understand he’s grieving, but that is not an excuse to let someone disrespect you and your marriage.
Tell him he’s at a crossroads where he either chooses your relationship, or keeps going on the path he’s on and this inappropriate work relationship escalates.
He may have no intention of that happening, but when I have spoken to people who have cheated with coworkers, they didn’t intend to cheat, they were just chatting and sharing and it got away from them. Grieving people are an easy target for people with bad intentions.
Later OP came back with this update:
Okay, we have news! So just to clarify some things first. For some additional background.
1-I have known Chelsea and her family prior to my marriage through some mutual connections and her family being very very close with my ex and his family (hence some hesitancy). I became close friends with her brother and he became a part of my group of friends etc. etc.
She did not meet my husband until they both started working for the same company. So, I was not very close with Chelsea, but we always saw and interacted cordially.
2-I did not tell Chelsea his shirt size. She called my husband and asked him his shirt size, where he told her. I would have never told her his size and would have made some joke saying that he has enough shirts and not to bother buying him anymore.
3-I wish I added this in earlier, but my husband and I have had conversations about my feelings regarding Chelsea and her behaviors. I’ve tried everything from being sweet, aloof, concerned, and out right angry. Each time I’ve been met with some variation of he understands, but Chelsea is ‘neurotic’…
He never dismisses my feeling outright, but he attempts to be sensitive to her mental state and says that he has no issue stepping in if/when necessary. However, I’ve found it necessary, and its clear he isn’t trying to have the confrontation up until the shirt event.
4-My husband requesting no drama stems from a series of events that occurred within his family and work life that drained his emotional battery leading him to just ask for smooth sailing and finding his new normal.
I do have a history of struggling to manage my anger during arguments, but I have taken the steps and done what is necessary to address my anger to make sure my marriage does not suffer, and we have been amazing!
I did want to be mindful that what he has endured with family and other aspects of his life has impacted his mood, which led him to openly ask the universe for some peace and no drama, which made me internalize his message.
Also, we are scheduled to have our first marriage counseling session this up coming week just to really make sure we iron out any issues, and wanted to make sure when I had my update that I had some juice and evidence of change to give ya’ll.
As for the talk. It went…amazing. I sat down with my husband and just told him that there were some things that I wanted to bring to his attention and included a variation of what was in the comments along with my own words to really drive home the fact that I’m beyond over my limit and wanted him to have it on his radar.
My husband was very attentive and validating. We talked for a while and although there were moments where we both didn’t seem to understand one another we tried hard to use some ‘fair fighting’ rules I’ve gotten from my therapist, and that really seemed to help.
He gave me his point of view and we talked about how my walking away made him feel awful and how I was upset that he knew I would be mad seeing him wearing the shirt.
I made sure to accept my role in this situation and he was able to do the same. Turns out that my husband has already had a chat with Chelsea and put her in her place post my reaction. Leading Chelsea to then have a three day temper tantrum and constantly seeking reassurance and validation from my husband.
In the form of texts and in-person harassment. My husband finally had enough and told her that if she didn’t knock it off that he would pursue this through his chain of command and HR. That seemed to stop her in her tracks, sorta, where she then started to tell him that she was having ‘troubles at home’, and my husband responded with, “Sorry to hear that, good luck with everything.”
She did not like this. He has since then put up some serious boundaries and we both came up with some ideas that we were both comfortable with and won’t stress out his work environment more. I can’t thank this community enough for helping me get my ass in gear.
For all comments…the loving and supportive, ugly and blunt, and the indifferent, I thank you all for taking your time to share your input. This could have possibly saved my marriage.