"AITA for ignoring my bridesmaid duties?"

My friend (25F) got married a few weeks ago. At the beginning of the year she asked me (34F) to be a bridesmaid. I have known this girl for over 20 years and so it was a no brainer to want to be there for her on her big day.

However, in that time between when she asked me and the wedding, I took full custody of my kids (it was 50/50 before). My son came to me and told me he didnt feel safe around his fathers partner. There has been a history of mental health issues with her, and so I took custody of my kids (14M and 10F) with the intention of working something out with their father.

However, their father has refused to communicate with me, and my son has enormous guilt because he was the one that brought up the problems in the first place and now feels his father blames him for everything.

About 4 months ago, my sons teachers contacted me about an assignment he had to do and they were worried about some of the things he had written. I asked him about it when he got home from school and he admitted to me that he had some pretty serious intrusive thoughts.

I immediately kicked into gear, setting up doctors appointments, therapist appointments and doing anything else that i could to help him. He nosedived and was having panic attacks almost every morning and at night I would hold him while he cried himself to sleep. It was heart wrenching to see him like that.

The bride started getting cold with me around the hens night. I didn’t stay the night at the house with all the other women, I wanted to be with my kids. I did spend the whole day with them and only left when there was talk of bedtime and some of them were even in their PJs.

This past weekend, 1 week after the wedding, I get a message from the bride, lambasting me for being the worst bridesmaid she could have imagined. He issues were mostly, I didn’t call to see how she was coping, I didn’t call around for visits and see how everything was going, I didn’t offer my time to help with anything, and on the day, I didn’t look like I was enjoying myself as much as I should have.

I’ll admit, I was an absent bridesmaid through the wedding planning, but as I reminded her, I have two jobs, 2 kids, physically exhausted with my health issues, and my son was having the hardest time of all. I said I was sorry that she felt this way and that my actions made her unhappy, but I didn’t regret them one bit. My priority was my son, my daughter and helping them through all of this.

It’s been extremely stressful and I said her wedding didn’t even cross my mind while I was dealing with all this. The bride knew full well the details, and yet is willing to brush aside a 20 year friendship. Mind you, she never called to see how I was handling the worst time of my life. The more I think about, it makes me so angry that she put her wedding above my sons wellbeing.

So AITA for ignoring my bridesmaid duties for the well-being of my kids? Especially my son?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

[deleted] said:

NTA. And you get Mom of the Year, imo. Two jobs AND full custody of two kids?? Amazing. You're doing an incredible job and while the bride may think that her wedding is more important, I would have hoped that she'd be a little more understanding given that she's known you for pretty much her whole life, which is why I think she's TA.

I hope that your son is doing better. You did far more than a lot of parents would do and he's going to be better off because of it.

OP responded:

Thanks, he’s doing a lot better since we started taking measures. He’s seeing an amazing therapist, and his panic attacks have stopped. Still has his off days, but it’s one step at a time, but I’m very optimistic.

[deleted] said:

I'm gonna go ESH with that one. Not because you put your son first, but because you should have pulled out of bridemaids' duties when you realized you couldn't commit to it (as I understand, in western weddings bridemaids are there to fully support the bride and help her for her wedding planning)

Still, your children should always be your priority and you did right by them. And the fact that your friend didn't check on your family even tho she knew what was going on? I would say she's a bigger @$$hole than you are in this situation.

WebbieVanderquack said:

ESH. She should have been more supportive of you, wedding or no, and calling you to complain about your lack of support was extraordinarily spiteful. But I think you should have spoken to her months ago and explained that you wouldn't be able to do all she expected of you, and I don't think it's fair to be "angry that she put her wedding above [your] sons wellbeing."

Her marriage matters too, and you can't expect others to prioritize your family over theirs.

And [deleted] said:

NTA. Your kids take priority. Your son was having a terrible time and being a mother is far more important than being a bridesmaid.

A few months later, she shared this update on the situation in the group "wedding shaming":

After these months of contemplation, I’m glad with my decision (I was voted NTA, by the way). Before we get started, I’ve known this girl for 20 plus years. I used to babysit her, and I’m 10 years older. All relevant information in what ultimately made me make my decision.

At the start of last year, I was asked to be my friends bridesmaid. I’d known her for so long, was there when her fiancé proposed, was the first to know she was pregnant, the whole shebang. So, of course I said yes.

Now this girl was known to be a little spoilt, mum and dad, and nan and pop always bailed her out but she never really showed that side to me. She was a good friend through some of my problems, and I helped her through hers.

6 months out from her wedding, my son came to me and said he felt unsafe and uncomfortable at his fathers house (we are separated), mostly because of his girlfriend. My son was 13 at the time and not known to be a troublemaker, in fact, quite to opposite. He is quite the empath and is quite sensitive.

To cut a very long section of this story short, I took my son and my daughter into my care 100% with the assumption that their father and I could work something out so that the kids, and I, felt comfortable with them being at his house. (Their fathers girlfriend had previous history with self harm and mental health issues, that’s why I took this very seriously)

Their father ignores all communication with me, and tried to brush the situation, and was quite angry. My son took a nose dive with his own mental health (to the point of thinking about self harm) because he took all the blame for his father acting the way he was, even if I was telling him the opposite everyday.

So, obviously, for the next few months it was me getting my son into doctors and therapy appointments. I also had my daughter to think about, and my 2 jobs, that during that beginning time of the pandemic, were both extremely busy. The bride knew ALL this, to the point that her fiancé said if my son needed a male to talk to he was there for him.

So The year continues on, I’m getting updates on hens night and wedding plans, helped pick the bridesmaid dresses, and went for visits with the bride leading up to the wedding, even though I had no time for myself, I’ll make time for my friends.

Hens night comes along, and I attend, even though I don’t drink (bride knows this) and I wanted to be with my kids still, I stay all day and night until they are getting ready for bed and drive back to where my kids are being looked after. That was the first time I guessed something was wrong. The bride was angry I didn’t drink. I don’t have to, to enjoy myself, and am not making myself sick just for the sake of it.

The week of the wedding, the other bridesmaids took the week off work, I couldn’t because I was casual at both jobs and needed the pay, but I made the spray tan appointment, but missed getting my nails done. Not a problem, I can just do them myself and the bride didn’t have to pay for them, but apparently that was a big deal too.

Wedding day comes, and it’s a beautiful day, bride looks stunning, we all get up early and get the full hair and make up on, take a billion photos and are having a good time.

Wedding was slightly subdued due to corona restrictions (no dancing, have to be seated at all times) but it was a beautiful looking wedding and I really thought that the bride was just stressed leading up to the day and that’s where the little remarks about the hens and not being able to attend the nail appointment came from.

2 weeks after the wedding, I get a message saying that it was the biggest mistake of her life asking me to be hers bridesmaid. I wasn’t there for her, asking how she was coping, calling around to see her, missed getting my nails done, went home after the hens night. I did feel bad, I texted back and said how sorry I was that she felt this way, but then I reiterated how busy I was myself.

Dealing with the 2 jobs, and a son who at one stage couldn’t get out of bed from the panic attacks. It wasn’t an excuse, but more of an explanation because I did feel bad. However, she replied with a message that was pretty much, MY wedding was more important, MY feelings are more important, MY day was ruined, Me, me, me, me.

And guys, I snapped. I didn’t write back straight away, because I know better than to write a message when I’m angry. But oh boy, I let her know that my kids are my number one, no matter anything else. And to tell me this 2 weeks after the fact? I would have been happy to be replaced if she wanted someone else that had more time for the bridesmaid duties.

I couldn’t believe that one of my best friends was telling me that her wedding should have been a bigger priority then my kids, especially my son and everything that was going on with him. Like I said, I’ve always know this girl was spoilt and a bit selfish, but it never affected me, until now. I have yet to talk to her since then.

I can’t even stand to be around her, to be honest, I can’t get over the fact that I was going through the worst time in my life, and she thought her wedding was more important. I don’t feel bad anymore. Thinking back, she never called to see how I was, how I was coping with 15 hour workdays and a son who was suicidal.

That was the breaking point, never again will I talk to her, if only for that reason. I’m 35, I think that had something to do with it too. She is younger and was more concerned about the fairytale, while I was dealing with real life. My son is doing much better too, things are slowly getting better, he’s amazing, and was worth all of it.