'AITA for ignoring my grieving mother-in-law's wails?' 'Everything is fine. IN PUBLIC.'

"AITA for ignoring my MIL's wails?"

30f recently moved into a bigger place with my partner 38m with his elderly mother since her husband passed 2 years ago. She's a very nice old woman, had a stroke in 2010, liked to read and do crossword puzzles, tidy things up around the place, go for walks etc. A year after her husband passed, it became apparent she couldn't live alone.

I was very clear that I will not be a caretaker. I am coming out of my own trauma and grief and it's not something Im willing to do. I am VERY empathetic towards her. Making sure to get her out, taking her places she enjoys, scheduling her hair appointments, keeping her company so she can feel at least some sort of semblance. When I take her out for lunch or coffee everything is fine. In public.

She wont eat. She keeps her phone off, doesn't want to talk to her brother or older son. Understandable. My partner started calling me to get into contact with his mother, so I shut that down. She doesn't want to learn how to do anything for herself. She started moaning and wailing in the early morning and and night.

My partner talked to her about it's affecting OUR sleep. She stops. She is nice, but she is very much a nightmare patient. Making everything difficult for the staff, with her hysterics to needles. Won't take vitamins we buy that are easy for her to ingest because "she doesn't like gummies."

When he's here, she's fine. When I'm not working and I'm here, she starts moaning and wailing in intervals. She communicates just fine. Her speech hasn't been impeded. I have my own mental health issues and do not have the space. She refuses speaking to a grief counselor. I put on my earbuds and ignore it.

Her older son living in another state feels she is being irrational. But of course she is, she's feeling a lot very late in her life. I myself just don't have emotional space to assist with high emotional bursts between working physically demanding job and struggling with my own mental health and grief. If she expresses with her words what's going on, I am more than happy to help. I sort of feel bad but sort of not.

Here's what top commenters had to say about this one:

DazzleLove said:

NAH. This doesn’t sound like the right set up for you or MIL. You were clear with your partner that you wouldn’t be the carer, but clearly he paid lip service to that and assumed the because you were WFH you would give in and do the caring. It sounds like too much caring is needed here for both of you even IF you’d been willing, and it’s perfectly reasonable you‘re not.

Actually, your partner is TA here- he’s clearly been trying to manipulate you into being the main carer despite you being clear you didn’t want to. Though you’ve also blurred the boundaries due to your empathy for MIL, which he was relying on.

MIL is patently depressed, and may be more so in a nursing home, but at the same time she needs regular and consistent physio and occupational therapy to get her more functional.

CF_FI_Fly said:

NTA. You were clear that you wouldn't be her caretaker, but your partner doesn't seem like he's fully accepted that. Can you work somewhere else during the day - library, coffee shop, co-working space?

Jealous-Contract7426 said:

NTA but your MIL needs psychiatric help and to be evaluated for the beginnings of dementia. She may need to be in a care facility.

Ok_Homework_7621 said:

NTA. Sounds like MIL needs more care than the two of you can provide. Also unfortunately sounds like your partner isn't taking you very seriously. That won't be resolved even if the MIL situation is, don't ignore it.

HolleringCorgis said:

NTA. Your other post states she lost her husband 2 years ago and that is the reason she's wailing. This post says she only does it when you are home alone with her. Sorry, but that's ridiculous. How old is she?

Am I to understand she waits until your bf leaves then "wails" every morning and every night? And can stop but chooses not to? And by wail you mean she's loudly expressing her grief over her husband who died two years ago? DAILY?

I can understand wailing after a loss. Just absolutely losing your shit when you lose someone important to you. But morning and night, daily, two years after your loss, and only when one specific person is home alone with you?

No. That's not what this is about. If you aren't there will she still kick up a fuss? Like, if you were to go away for a day or two and record audio do you think you'd hear her wailing like clockwork every morning and evening if she's the only one in the house?

Keely369 said:

NTA. It's extremely difficult, but this kind of thing takes a massive toll on carers. My father got dementia and I moved back with him and my mother to take care of them. It pretty much wiped out 5 years of my life and damaged my health, and I was in decent health prior. It's a sad situation, but everyone has the right to protect themselves.