"AITA for ignoring our friend on our trip to Mexico?"
Last year around this time, my friends and I planned a trip to Cancun Dream Natura Resort & Spa. We all wanted to drink, eat, dance & relax on the beach with NO KIDS. I'm the only one without kids, so I was really looking forward to spending time with just my friends to unwind.
Every other trip before this was planned with the kids. But this time there would be no early bedtimes, no crying, no screaming, no sand in our drinks because kids think it's funny to throw sand.
ONE WEEK before the trip, one of the friends said she's bringing her 10-year-old. This woman can never tell her kid "No." We had all warned her before hand that if this happens, we weren't going to change anything.
To say I was annoyed was an understatement lol but I sucked it up, I still had two friends who were going child free and had no intention of changing any plans. My two other friends and I drank, we ate amazing food, we danced all night & spent the day at the beach.
The friend with the kid expressed her frustration about the rest of us doing what we wanted & she couldn't. My response was pretty much "well that sucks but we're not going to change the entire point of this trip just because of your inability to tell your kid no."
We invited her to do what we were doing multiple times but her response was always "I can't, my kid wants to go....." So there was definitely tension between the 3 of us & her the entire trip.
When we were making our long way back home all 3threeof us got a really nasty message from her fiancée. Calling us bad friends & how dare we not revolve our entire trip around her & their kid. That she had a terrible time & it was our fault. I was like pardon???? That was pretty much the last straw for me. Now I NEVER tell my friends how to parent their children.
But their daughter is so nasty. She is so spoiled & like I've stated earlier, has never been told "No." So you can understand how entitled this child is. My other friends are a lot more reasonable when it comes to their children. Their children are polite, have a general understanding about boundaries & they behave really well for 8-10 year olds.
My text back to him was pretty much: We made these plans a YEAR in advance. Expecting us to be fine with the fact that you guys dropped it on us that your child was coming a WEEK before we were leaving & then expecting us to change everything & cancel all of our plans because you guys can't tell your kid no, is not fair to us. At all. That is a YOU problem. Not ours.
I'd understand if something came up & she had no choice but to bring her kid, shit happens, people cancel. But that was not the case. Her fiancé was home the entire time & her grandmother was looking forward to watching her granddaughter. But her kid freaked OUT about not being allowed to go on the trip & they couldn't tell her no. Now her & her fiancé are super pissed. Were we in the wrong here??
Here's what people had to say to OP:
elliottsmama731 wrote:
NTA- who brings a child on an adult trip when it isn’t an emergency then gets mad that they were excluded from activities. Why did her fiancé message you all. If she had an issue with it she should have said something. We all know why she didn’t and that is because she knew she was in the wrong for bringing kid in the first place. What did your other friends say?
OP responded:
My two other friends and I were also very annoyed about it because she attempted to guilt trip us multiple times about not being able to do the things we were doing & the nasty text we got from her fiancé. One of us feels like maybe we are AHs.
Myself & the other friend feel like it isn't fair to try & make us feel guilty. When the other kids found out that her kid did go they were so upset :( that's about the only part I feel guilty about.
starry_skies wrote:
Not the AH. The mom who brought the kid along is. She also had some nerve complaining that she had to devote all her time on the trip to her child. What did she expect? Instead of writing you emails to complain the fiancé (and her) should be figuring out how to handle that child for the future. Kids this wilfull at 10 get worse as time goes on if parents don't get a handle on them.
OP responded:
This was my argument! What did she expect?? It's her kid, her responsibility. I have no idea what she was expecting. When we go with the kids, we all hang out together & there are multiple people watching the kids. So I'm assuming that's what she wanted, which annoys me even more.
PKOtto wrote:
As a single mother to 2 young children, I can not even begin to tell you how many nights out or kid-free trips I missed out on. Sometimes, it really sucked and sometimes it felt lonely to be left out, but I would NEVER force my children on an adults-only outing!
Not only would that be unfair to the others involved, but it would also be very unfair to the kids. They would not want to be doing the things the adults wanted to do.
They would be bored, restless, and intrusive to the rest of the group who was looking forward to being child-free for a short while. If my ex-husband was unable (or more likely) unwilling to watch the kids, I simply made my apologies and stayed home to make other plans, which did include my children being welcomed to attend. What a horrible parent and friend you have!!
paule_rudds_dragrace wrote:
NTA I’ve seen this sort of thing happen multiple times. Friends and I planned a road trip and a few days before we were to start, one friend announced (didn’t ask) that she’d be bringing her child because her child likes trips. The rest of us shut that down.
You did the right thing. I think in some cultures there’s been a shift from kids being told to be seen and not heard, now to everything everyone does being expected to be about the kid. It’s an overcorrection. At least some of it is rooted in ego as many parents see their children as simply an extension of themselves (as opposed to acknowledging that the child is their own person).
If she brings it up again, say “I’m hearing a mother say that spending time with her child was a terrible experience. I can’t help you with the predictable outcomes of your various choices. Both you and your child struggle with being told ‘no.’ I won’t be hearing anything else on the matter.”
Floundering_Around wrote:
NTA. So the whole family is entitled. How charming. Your message was honestly very tame. I would've dragged the whole family if I was responding. Also, I would very much distance myself from that friend as much as possible but that's me and I'm quick to cut people out of my life when they're disrespectful.
Not only does your friend not respect you and the rest of the friend group, but she doesn't respect herself or her child. That child will be very spoiled, entitled, and isolated as they grow up.
Equivalent-Board206 wrote:
NTA. You've probably lost your friendship with this person, but it sounds like that isn't a big loss at this particular point in time. Even if her kid was the most obliging, friendliest and well behaved kid in the world, this trip would still have sucked for your friend had the kid come along.
Kids can't join in staying up late and drinking, they're probably going to get bored hanging out on the beach all day, etc. A holiday which includes children is necessarily different to a holiday that is adults only.
Your friend did this to herself. She can be angry with you about it, that's her prerogative, but she is the one who changed the terms of her participation. There was no obligation on you and the others to change the terms of your own.