"AITA for telling my sister that now she's getting better I'm going to stop (essentially) being her carer?"

Over the last 5 years my older sister has had some health issues that meant she couldn't really look after herself. I would go round to her house 4-5 days a week to clean, cook, do her laundry, sort her medications, etc. For this time my life has been on pause, as I've essentially been her carer (whilst also keeping up a full time job).

Over these 5 years she's also become quite rude with me (publicly jokes about me being her 'servant' etc). We're part of the same friendship group, and more and more of our friends have come forward to me to say that they don't feel comfortable with the way that she treats me, and that I should stick up for myself.

Well, 4 months ago she had a surgery that should really, really improve her condition. I've been continuing to help her out since then, but I can see now that she's becoming more and more able to look after herself again, which is great!

Last week, I told her that I was going to stop doing certain tasks, now that she's well enough to do them herself. I said that I'd be happy to come by if she needs help moving something heavy etc, but that there's no need for me to do the other stuff now that she's able to do that for herself.

I suggested that instead, we use some of that time to do fun stuff together - maybe go to the pub, or go for a walk, or out for dinner instead? I'm really excited to start my life again as it feels like it's been on pause since she got ill when I was 21, I'm excited to be able to start dating again, or go out for drinks after work, or have a lie in on a weekend - normal mid-twenties stuff!

She's reacted really badly to this. When I told her, she had, the only way to describe it is, a tantrum. She screamed at me, called me all names under the sun, and basically told me that I'm abandoning her in her time of need. She said a lot of really hurtful things about how I'm selfish and only look out for myself.

She also made a lot of comments about her disability and how I'm not being understanding of it, even though her physical ability to do these tasks has now returned. Last night I found out that she contacted our (currently divorcing) parents to tell them that I've said I'm not going to help her any more.

My dad was REALLY angry, and doesn't see my side at all - he's very traditional and thinks it's my responsibility as the youngest child, to care for my 'elders'. My mum is more understanding of how I see the situation. But now I feel like I've split the family even more, because my sister and dad, won't speak to my mum or me.

Now we're in a stalemate because my sister and dad said that they won't engage with me or my mum until I get over myself and take on my old duties again, and I've said that I won't do the tasks she can now do for herself - if she wants someone to do her cleaning she should pay a cleaner. However, it's all got me thinking - AITA for sticking to my guns and saying that she has to do these things for herself?

What do you think? AITA? This is what top commenters had to say:

Stw_Reylla said:

NTA. Sounds like your sister has become accustomed to having you take care of her and reluctant to lose that. It is probably somewhat intimidating to be responsible for herself again after so long. That being said it's not your job and you have your own life to live. She should be grateful you sacrificed so much for the past 5 years and that she now has her life back as well.

k-jo said:

NTA- you are not required to help her with these tasks, if anything your parents should be helping her.

"At the moment we're in a stalemate because my sister and dad have said that they won't engage with me or my mum until I get over myself and take on my old duties again."

Here's the thing. They're NOT "your duties", they are tasks your did to help your sister because she couldn't do them herself. Now she can, the end. Your duty is to yourself, to live a happy life and go and do the things you've put off doing.

Master-Manipulation said:

NTA. Why not throw Dad’s words back at him: he’s the elder, he can take care of her. Tell them both that you gave up 5 years of your life and now that your sister has gotten better, there is no need for you to be there other than being a slave. You deserve your own life, even if it means having to go without dad and sister. It’s sad but cutting them out may be for the best.

stripednoodles said:

NTA. Why weren't your parents helping your sister? Isn't taking care of their young the job of parents? I don't think this was your duty at all in the first place.

And OP responded:

It's totally reasonable to see this as a parents' job - it just made more sense for me to take over her care at the time. My parents both live 4.5hrs drive away, whereas I can get to her house on the bus in half fan hour. Totally see your point though...

She later posted this update:

Firstly, thank you everyone that replied to this - you've really given me the confidence to put my foot down! I've still not seen my sister, and although I've heard from friends that she feels bad about how she reacted - I'm waiting for her to come to me with an apology before we start rebuilding that relationship.

I've been in touch with a few of her close friends and they agreed to each stop by once a week (so 4 days in total) for the next couple of weeks to make sure she's okay and do anything urgent. I've also spoken with our local council to organise a needs assessment for her, so that (if she qualifies) she can get professional home help (though she could have to pay over £200 a week for that).

In other news, I slept in until 11am(!) today, went for lots of spontaneous drinks last week, and have a date next week... It's safe to say I'm taking advantage of all my newfound free time!