'I'm finally meeting my online girlfriend after years of talking, it's not going well.' UPDATED 2X

"Finally meeting my (29m) online "girlfriend" (29f) after years of talking, it's not going well."

A couple years ago I (29m) met a girl (29f) through an online circle, we talked frequently and it was always a great time. She's very passionate about a lot of the same things I am and is very career driven which is something I'm looking for. Early last year she opened up about having feelings for me, which I was receptive to.

We started spending more time online together and eventually it got to a point where she would be telling her coworkers and family members about her "boyfriend," this didn't bother me too much, I'm very interested, but for me I had to meet her to seal that deal. Fast forward to Christmas and my gift to her was going to be a trip up to meet her (USA to Canada).

Trip was very expensive but worth it. We had talked about me going to meet her a few times, thought it was better that way as she has a lot of anxiety (very important for later) and health issues that would make it much harder for her (esp in this current political climate). Well that trip happened this weekend. I'm currently typing this from my hotel room, which I've spent the vast majority of my time here alone in.

Context TL;DR - Met a girl online, developed feelings, great match for each other, she lives in Canada and me, the US. For Christmas I set up a trip to come see her. She has terrible anxiety issues.

The main issue: The trip to see her started off how I expected. I don't know this city at all, it's a country I've only been too a few times, and I was nervous myself. Took a 40 minute Uber to my hotel and expected by the time I got there that she would have worked out her nerves and be ready to meet me.

Unfortunately, her anxiety was extra bad and it took her another 2 hours to work up the courage to drive 5 minutes to come see me. This didn't bother me at the time, I knew it'd be rough and I'm a patient dude (for the most part). We met, she was shaking and bawling her eyes out, but overall it was great, some hugs and we drove to her place.

She lives with her brother so I was able to meet him and we chilled out for a little while. Her anxiety was still through the roof though so we didn't actually do much for the next couple of hours, she wanted to drive around and show me some stuff but couldn't, eventually she decided I should probably Uber back instead of her driving me.

Next morning I was up extra early, she usually works nights so I figured she wouldn't be up for a bit. Not knowing the city I chose to stay in and wait till she was awake. Four hours later she messages me, we talk for a bit and she tells me she's not quite ready to see me as the nerves are still there.

That's fine, I found a drug store in walking distance I can pick some stuff up at and get us some food at a local spot before meeting up. Fast forward about 2 hours later and I finally get back to her place. She doesn't eat anything and tells me her brother, her, and myself are going to go to a get together and hang out with a bunch of their friends.

That's cool, I ask her how long we'll be there and she said a few hours. We leave, it's about an hour drive. Everyone of her friends were great, super welcoming and she seemed really happy to introduce me as her boyfriend. Little party lasts a good portion of the night, we don't talk much as I'm usually getting bounded by her friends or she's playing a game or something.

It's around 10 when we go to leave, still plenty of night left I figured, she tends to be up till 3 or 4 in the morning so I was pretty pumped to get to spend the rest of the night together.

However as we get in the car she asks her brother if it's cool that she takes me to the hotel before they go home, he says yeah, and I just get to sit in shock the whole way back that she's too drained to spend a couple of hours of quality time with her "boyfriend" she just met. At this point it's all starting to catch up to me and I'm feeling pretty bad.

I get back to the hotel room and I'm just -confused- by this whole trip. I'm alone, in a hotel room, in a country I don't know, with my "girlfriend" a few minutes away, not knowing what to do. What the hell is going on? I fear messaging her about it is going to make her anxiety worse, but at this point I don't know what to do.

I'm set to meet her mom in the evening for dinner, and at this point I feel like I've met everyone except for my "girlfriend". So I message her that. She's very apologetic, saying her anxiety is through the roof still and she wanted to make this trip worth it for me but she's just drained.

She makes an effort to let me know she is still very interested and everything, but she knows if we're alone together that nothing would happen because she's just too nervous, she hasn't been in a relationship in a couple of years so it's hard for her.

I tell her I don't even want to try anything intimate if that was her fear, I've barely hugged her this trip and there's a lot more steps in that process before anything like that could happen. I just want to spend some quality time together. She said tomorrow after I meet her mom there will probably be time.

All that said, today is my last day here. I leave early tomorrow morning on a flight. I feel like this whole thing has been a waste and I'm still just confused. I wanted to spend quality time with her, not sit on a hotel room alone for most of my trip. In my mind she would want to be with me every waking moment of this trip, our time is so short, we've talked about it for ages like that was going to be the case.

TL;DR: Planned a trip to meet up with my online "girlfriend". Trip finally happens but her major anxiety issues have made it so I'm spending most of my time alone in a hotel, in another country, instead of with her. Every time we go to hang out I'm just meeting someone new instead of spending quality time with her.

I feel like I've met everyone here except for her. She still seems super invested in the relationship but I just feel confused and a little heartbroken.

I'll update after we see how this last day goes.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

Birdilooo wrote:

As someone with anxiety myself I have to wonder what exactly is she doing to treat herself? She’s expecting people to accommodate her 100% and doing nothing to work through it. Or she is using it as an accuse because she isn’t into it. Either way, I don’t think this relationship is fair for you. I would let her down gently and go home single.

OP responded:

She seems very into the relationship but you may be right with your other comment. I'm not sure what to do, hoping today is better. She is on meds, it's been really bad even so.

Swazi44 wrote:

It sounds like you are not gonna make this trip again, and it doesn't seem like she has the ability to come to you, so what's next regardless?

OP responded:

She was going to come down in June for an event, but I'm not sure how that would even work with her anxiety.

Swazi44 responded:

So she can go to another country for an event but not 5 mins to visit you, who happened to travel from another country to see her. Naaa bro that's not right.

OP responded:

Yeahhh I have no clue. The idea of her coming down for that event has been planned for awhile, but maybe she'll back out now? I don't know.

Ninfae wrote:

Tell her you want to spend the last day together because you want to get to know her and this is really important to you. This can be in a public place if that makes her feel more relaxed. If she still can’t do that, then I think you know enough.

OP responded:

I'll let her know when she wakes up.. I'm worried she'll be asleep for another hour or so, then we'll have to go have dinner with her mother, then I only have a couple of hours left...

Starrmarieski wrote:

OP, are you even comfortable meeting her mother? I mean, there’s a good chance this relationship doesn’t evolve if she can’t get her emotions together. I’m sorry to sound rude but she is a full grown adult, she should know how to handle her anxiety at this point in life, at least enough to have a normal interaction with her “boyfriend."

OP responded:

I'm not comfortable meeting her mother, but it's all set up now. I pray this morning is better and it works out.

The next day, OP shared an update.

Yesterday morning I woke up, made the original post and waited nervously for her to wake up. It once again took a couple of hours, a little after noon she finally messaged me. She said we had dinner in the later afternoon with her mother, and I could Uber over to her place whenever.

A few of you suggested I should just call off the dinner plans but I decided to stick it through. I went up to her place shortly after that and we spent some time watching things. She was having a better day so we sat close and while we didn't -do- anything (brother was in the small house) it was some quality time I had been looking for.

Dinner with her mother was great, we connected well and she seemed to be genuinely excited for me and her daughter. We left with a hug from her mom and went back to her place. It was a lot more of the same thing as before, so while it wasn't alone time with her, it did feel more on on one, and we had a good time.

Was it exactly what I was expecting on the last day of this trip? Not really, but was it nice? Definitely. It was getting late and I was half expecting her to want me to Uber back but she drove me herself, she helped me confirm my packing for the flight early this morning, and we ended with a kiss.

We got to texting a bit and we realized she hadn't taken a photo of us for a frame she had bought. I was pretty sad that we hadn't and the few pictures of us from that weekend didn't really fit the vibe she was going for. I mentioned that I should just Uber back.

10 minutes later waiting for a response and she tells me to come down, anxiety be damned she did drive back just for the photo and another goodbye smooch. So, overall, it wasn't the perfect weekend, but I'm going to stay cautiously optimistic. I think it was a mistake to not make the trip longer, and think that would have helped even more.

We'll see how things go when she has to decide if she wants to make the solo trip down here for an event closer to this summer. To clear some things up; She is on medication and goes to a therapist (though her current therapist is very new to her). Normally I wouldn't be into a LDR but our likes and interest align well, and it's something I've struggled to find around me back home.

My last relationship was decently long and taught me that was something I valued a lot. Thanks for all the comments on the other post. I imagine interest for another update will wane by the time the next trip happens (in about 2 months) but that is the time where things will really be make or break.

TL;DR - Last day went decently well, her mother was lovely and I could tell she was trying to make a bit more of an effort. We are still planning to meet again for an event by me in the coming months, that'll be make or break. Thanks again.

The comments kept coming.

[deleted] wrote:

What's the point when there's millions of people out there for you though, and probably a fair few hundred in your home town? Not discriminating, but is it really worth investing your time into someone that's going to a therapist and medicating and you're already walking on eggshells? Just my 2c.

OP responded:

I've had a big problem dating locally, only around 20,000 people where I live and finding someone with the same niche interests has been really hard. There's more people in the next city over but it's a long ways out. if this doesn't work out I'll try more local again. Both of our passions are very online / digital, so it's much easier to find people online over in person. In my smaller town especially.

nananana wrote:

I have anxiety and went through similar situation.

My partner expected me to be soooo excited to see him and want to spend every second together. But that’s not how anxious people work.

Even when we’re doing something we want to do…sometimes you have to ease in and realize “hey, it’s safe to let my guard down.” UNFORTUNATELY, that takes time to set in. If she is anything like I was, the next trip will be initially the same as before. Just keep in mind it will pass and she will slowly blossom into her usual self.

OP responded:

Yeah I think with a longer visit we'd have had a better time, hopefully the next one works out better.

mojoo222 wrote:

Oh wow, this went better than i expected an update to your first post to go, but still, how exhausting.

OP responded:

Hoping the next visit goes better ?

supremenonce wrote:

I suspect that she's using you as someone to say that she has a bf for whatever reason. The pic for the frame was what she needed and so she put in the effort for that. Strange that all of a sudden when you're finally leaving, she's doing the most. Sounds like you should cut your losses.

Side note, I struggled with terrible anxiety while being in a LDR and was damn excited when finally meeting for the first time. I know we are all different but she practically ignored you the whole time you were there and I feel like she's really not into you.

OP responded:

It's been very tricky to navigate. I'm going to have a conversation about these things in the coming days and try to get more to the root of it all.
It really feels like mixed signals right? I do think she's very interested though. Hard to convey that over text here.

Odd_instruction519 wrote:

It feels like she was afraid of intimacy and any situation that could lead to it.

OP responded:

Yup, she 100% was and expressed that to me. She was saying her bark was worse than her bite. She was basically feeling like there was an expectation for us to be intimate but she wasn't confident in anything like that and it shot her anxiety through the roof.

throwawayzxoxoxo wrote:

Yeah I think that's a big factor that some people are missing. Like she's anxious about them being alone together but not so much when with other people. I wonder if she has trauma :/

OP responded:

Yup she did tell me a lot of it was because of the expectation for us to be intimate. I'm not sure if she has trauma, certainly could but hasn't told me much about it.
She has told me in the past that she struggled with intimacy a bit because of some personal physical health issues, but those have since been resolved.

I'm thinking I'm her first boyfriend since then. Its probably related to that in a way, I haven't asked her about her past sexual experiences but I know it used to be hard for her and caused a lot of pain.

Odd_instruction519 responded:

It needn't be trauma. She is meeting with a man whom she has never ever met in person, but who she thinks might be expecting something. It's scary even without trauma.

OP responded:

Yup makes perfect sense. We should have talked about it beforehand.

Marsaiipearl wrote:

I think the issue is that she had you on a tour to meet everyone in her life instead of just hanging out with you to make sure the chemistry was there in person. I understand meeting you the first time with her brother, but taking you to a party to meet all of her friends and then taking you to meet her mom were mistakes. You two should have just casually hung out without others competing for attention.

OP responded:

I agree! And I kind of made that clear to her. She is someone that needs to plan things out, and she figured hanging out with her friends would be a lot of fun, and she really wanted her mom to meet me.

[deleted] wrote:

Bruh. Go back in like, two or three weeks, if you insist upon a second shot at this against everyone here’s advice to you…but, in any case, you have got to nip this s#$t in the bud regardless — and, sooner rather than later. Holy f this is painful to watch, my man.

OP responded:

I can't make that work for me right now. And it's not against everyone's advice, I've read every direct comment and it's 50/50 for the most part. Most of my DMs are very positive too. Either way, I've said it before and I'll say it again. This is going to be hard even if this weekend went beyond perfect. June is the next time we'll meet and it will decide the future of the relationship, if it's hit or miss again, I'm out.​​​​

Two and a half months later, OP shared another update.

Things seemed to be going really well post first trip. She opened up a bit more about the meetup and was very apologetic about the whole thing. We spent the next couple of weeks in calls and video chatting, doing what we love together. Things were great, but something was missing. A piece of the relationship, something intimate and playful, seemed to have faded.

This was her call. She decided that she should be less flirty and sexual online, until she can express that the same in person. I respected that. I believed it just needed time, and I’ve always been committed to working through things together. Unfortunately that's where things started to spiral.

One thing about her is that she’s very independent, and that often came across as distant, uncaring. There's some days where she chooses to not interact with me, ignore my messages, or get short when I try to be affectionate and caring. Usually this only happens when she's having a rough day (understandable).

Unfortunately a week ago she was having one of those terrible weeks. In my head a relationship should be one of comfort, relief, but while I tried to help her through it she lashed out and started being distant. I tried to comfort her but it was met with a coldness I couldn't understand.

I had to guess how she was feeling and was left in the dark a lot. I made the, in hindsight wrong choice of opening up about how I didn't understand and how I just wanted to be someone she could lean on. About how it made me feel awful I couldn't support her. I felt shut out so often. This turned into a lot of messages about how we felt about relationships in general, and the changes ours would need to take.

It focused on how we care about eachother a lot, but she has her anxiety and independent healing she has to work on, and how I have to give her more space, and "care less." The main villain, as was the culprit of the first meeting, was her anxiety. It's ruining her life in more ways than just our relationship. She's struggling everywhere.

So her #1 priority was to get in a better spot with that, then work on us. This was a great compromise, and I was excited for the next step in the relationship. I would continue to give her time and space, to wait for someone I think is a one of a kind worth it, and she would get to the place where she believes that too about herself.

And finally, now.

I boarded the plane with a lot of hope. Things were good after a few days of us getting back on track. But as I landed, I got a short, heartbreaking message from her.

She said she's not in a healthy enough spot to make this relationship work for either of us. That after some reflection, her problems are so bad that she needs to step away and work on them. She doesn't think she'd be able to handle the trip we'd planned, and would be ruining another critical point in our relationship.

The part that hurts the most isnt the time I've given her, the financial, emotional, or physical pain. Or the fact this came out of the blue at the worst time. What hurts the most is it feels like she went from telling me how I was going to be her future, to her basically treating me like an acquaintance.

The last few days have been so tough. We talked for a little while that first day, her entire focus of the conversation was that she needed to get better. She barely once talked about us, I got no closure. And now trying to talk to her feels like talking to someone I barely know. Despite her saying she wants us to stay close.

One of the first things she told me when we started talking was how words meant everything to her, they're so important, they should always mean something. She kept saying how much she cared about us, yet her current actions make me feel the complete opposite. I see her online, hanging out with friends, posting online, like I never existed, like I was just a footnote in her life.

I'm here now, I'm going to try to make the best of the trip. But being alone again hurts so much. I don't understand. Somedays the distance felt like nothing, and other days she made the miles so much longer...I really tried so hard, I'm exhausted. I'm getting older, feeling the pressure of finding my person really setting in. I don't want to settle, but I feel like I'm going to have to.

I want more than anything to just make things right with her, to go back to that week and just give her the space she wanted, so we'd be on this trip together right now. I mentioned above that she's very independent, and her anxiety is taking that away from her. She can't do the things she wants with the people she wants, and I understand that. But what about us?

I'm devastated. I know a lot of you saw this coming, and the rest of you all wanted to see this work.

How do I move on? I know theres probably no saving this but I wish there was, what can I do? And how do I find anyone like her again?

TL;DR: Planned another meetup with my LDR girlfriend. The first one was rough but this one felt like it was going to be great. We had a rough week and talked a lot about our relationship. However the day I traveled in, she broke up with me, citing her anxiety as the culprit. I'm not sure what to do now.

Important edit here;

I've tried local for a few years, I've never had trouble getting dates or matches on apps locally. But I live in a small, rural town, and haven't found anyone that aligns with my values and interests.

From my experience over years of doing this is that dating locally, will be settling. Which is why I tried online. There's a bigger city about an hour and half / 2 hours away. Maybe I'll look there, but the relationship will still be long distance.

The internet had a lot to say in response.

fearless-speech-1131 wrote:

Not an expert but I'm pretty sure relationships aren't supposed to be a struggle like this. This is like reading an autobiography of someone who's living through the great depression (you). C'mon man, how long are you gonna keep this up? No women in the USA?

OP responded:

I'm sure there's someone, just tough finding them.

Past-Ad454 wrote:

You sound like a truly sweet guy and I’m sorry to be the one to tell you this, but it’s not the anxiety. This is coming from a 42-year-old woman. What she’s tell you? That’s a cop-out. That’s not to say she doesn’t have anxiety issues, but that’s not why she is all but ghosting you.

Something changed when y’all met in person the first time. The chemistry changed, and she’s too much of a p#$sy to be honest and just let you live on. I sure hope you’re not gifting her things or giving her money.

Either way, she’s clearly done, but she’s content semi-stringing you along in cases she changes her mind at some point. Until then, she’s gonna live it up and have a good time while pretending you don’t exist. Don’t waste your time with her. Man, just move on. Trust me on this. She’s already checked out.

You’re just a placeholder now, and she may have already found someone else, that’s very likely. I didn’t find my person till I was 42. He is my perfect match in every way, and wants me as much as I want him. We literally moved in after three moths of dating and it just keeps getting better and better. Your person is out there, but it’s not this girl hun. It’s just not.

PrincessEh wrote:

If you drop her/unfollow her on socials and dont game with her - will you have another gaming group to play with? I think you are much more emotionally mature, and available and should try to find someone within your city or area at least. I def understand how you can vibe gaming and then its just different. Maybe she wants an online thing and nothing irl. idk. Im sorry dude.

Zealous_Ideallong118 wrote:

"And how do I find anyone like her again?"

You do not want to find someone like her. There's 2 different things at play here. Your fantasy of who you want her to be and who she actually is.

If you want to actually find someone who you have a good connection with who will make you happy, you have to stop acting like a doormat. Know your worth. Don't let your partner treat you like shit, ghost you, ignore you, put zero effort into the relationship, and keep coming back begging them for more or giving them more chances.

If someone's mental health is this bad, don't keep pursuing them. If they aren't prioritizing you or showing interest in you, don't keep pursuing them. I'm not saying to act like a narcissist, knowing your worth and how you should be treated also comes with treating your partner well too ofc. But you need to raise your standards here.

Putting all your energy into someone who doesn't really care about you is a waste of time. It prevents you from pursuing someone better who will actually give you the effort back that you deserve. So that's what I would suggest for future relationships.

I would also second the suggestion to stick to dating people local to where you live who you can meet in person. Long distance relationships are really difficult and oftentimes are doomed to fail. Having a connection over text or online doesn't mean you will connect in person or in real life.