'I’m going broke in my current relationship. I don't know how much longer I can do this.' UPDATED 7X

There are times when you're so deep in a toxic situation, you need a chorus of strangers to urge you to get out.

"I’m going broke in my current relationship."

I have a good job and make $60k per year. My boyfriend of five years owns his own business, but it isn’t really profitable. We rely heavily on my income to get us by. I pay for 2/3 of the mortgage (he pays the other 1/3 most of the time). I also pay our electric bill, internet, groceries, vet bills, and if we ever go out to eat or do anything it’s expected that I’ll pay. I also have my car payment and other expenses.

I’ve talked to him about the burden this puts on me financially and he just gets upset when I bring it up. He also gets upset when I tell him I can’t afford certain things or I’m trying to cut back to save money. I understand he’s struggling, but so am I and I just don’t see any end in sight. It’s been five years and nothing has improved.

I love him, but I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I currently have $20 in my bank account and I don’t get paid until Friday. Any advice, recommendations, etc is appreciated.

The internet kept it real in the comment section.

TheAskewOne wrote:

I'm gonna be blunt but living off one's own business isn't a God-given right. You're essentially financing your boyfriend's way of life. He needs to find an alimentary job, even if it's 20 hrs/week, and contribute.

LitherLily wrote:

I was married to this guy, and he always complained I wasn’t “supportive enough” as he made no money, did no housework, and spent my money freely.

After divorcing him (be careful, you may owe alimony if you get married!) I finally have control of my financial future and it is BRIGHT.

OP responded:

He literally always tells me I’m not supportive! It drives me crazy.

LitherLily responded:

I wasted twenty years listening to this nonsense.

My life improved the day I moved out, and I am now happy every single day.

My second husband is the greatest person I’ve ever met, he makes me feel incredibly special and loved and we do not have any bad days, there are no simmering bad feelings EVER. You can do better.

Hardcorelogic wrote:

He is your boyfriend, not your husband. This is way beyond your pay grade. And even if you two were married, he has no right to be upset when you can't afford things. Not one bit. He should be apologetic and grateful. That should tell you a lot that he isn't. His attitude is completely unacceptable.

Whether or not the business will be a success is irrelevant. How he treats you is what matters. And it sounds like you are his bank account, not his girlfriend. Give him SOME notice so he doesn't crash and burn (like a couple of weeks tops...), but STOP FUNDING HIM. COMPLETELY.

He will most likely break up with you and go find another bank account to empty. But at least you will know the truth of the situation FOR SURE.

If he understands why you have to stop supporting him, and is COMPLETELY good with it, your relationship might have a shot.

I doubt it though. Judging by his reactions to your concerns. YOUR LIFE AND WELLBEING ARE AT STAKE HERE!!! Money is extremely important for survival, and he could leave you broke and unstable at any time. You are being taken advantage of in a huge way! And only you can put a stop to it...

OP responded:

Very well said. I dropped $200+ on groceries this weekend (as I do most weekends) and when I got home he complained that I didn’t get certain things…I can’t deal with paying AND not getting any appreciation.

Hardcorelogic responded:

Just be careful. He could shower you with love and appreciation when you stop the money flow. Just to keep the cash flowing. Your whole situation seems very unhealthy. I'm serious about the legal advice. Good luck to you 🤞

OP responded:

Thank you <3

One_Culture8245 wrote:

I'm in a similar situation and starting to feel resentment. Don't let yours get there, or the relationship is basically over.

Bostonsmama1 wrote:

My husband is the main breadwinner in our family. But, I still work and contribute. I work from home so I can take care of our kids and farm. I do the shopping and meal planning. He helps cook and does the dishes. It’s a partnership where we mutually respect each other and support each other. I think you know the right answer in your head.

Sometimes the heart makes it hard on us to move in the right direction. I wish you strength and peace to do what’s right for yourself. Living in constant stress and disappointment is no way to function in life. You deserve more.

OP responded:

Thank you so much😭❤️

venturebirdday wrote:

STOP. He gets upset and then you give in. You are an ATM he has s*x with. If he cared AT ALL about you, he would prioritize you above his desire for this or that.

STOP. He can get another job or do without. You need to take care of you. Oh, yeah, did I mention? STOP!!!!

OP responded:

Accurate, thank you!🩷

umm1234 wrote:

By the mortgage you mean yours right? Please tell me you’re the only person on it… you need to cut him off. Like now. Unless he is disabled he is a grown ass adult and needs to go get a j o b.

Why are you supporting your boyfriend to grown his business that you have no right to? While he is getting his lifestyle subsidized by you he is taking advantage of you. You need to stop allowing this because say if in one year business takes off it becomes worth thousands of dollars you can be left broke with nothing. Is that really worth it? It’s not.

You need to tell him he pays half of everything. 50/50 going forward or he moves out and your rent out the other space in your home. And you won’t be broke all the time. You need to really think of the benefits of your relationship because it seems like you make good money.

OP responded:

Thank you. He always asks when I’m getting a raise, but my income isn’t the problem. Unfortunately both of our names are on the mortgage. I’m tempted to put it up for sale, but I don’t know how he would feel about moving forward with selling. It’s a tough situation.

A month later, OP shared an update.

Title: I tried to break up with him but I couldn’t.

We had a long conversation last night about what’s been bothering me. I can’t deal with the emotional ab*se and feeling like I’m not cared about. At first he was angry.

He was yelling, calling me ugly, telling me he never loved me, wishing he never met me, “playfully” punching my arms and legs. Then he became incredibly emotional and started crying. He said he was sorry and admitted that something is wrong with him. I don’t know what to do.

I feel done with the relationship, but I can’t stand seeing him get like that. I’ve never seen him cry. We’re not married, but we have a house together so it’s complicated. I just don’t know how to end this.

The internet told OP to stay strong.

No_Corner_8377 wrote:

Bro, he probably is sad. Sad that you're thinking about leaving him. Sad thinking he's losing his grip on you, if he cared about your mental and emotional well-being, he would work with you. This is a stunt, NOT an action.

If you need some space, take it, see what life is like without him. I'm currently going through this as well, so I by no means say this lightly. You are worth all the wonderful things that a great relationship brings ❤️

Present_Chain_5998 wrote

Be patient with yourself. Leaving is a hard thing to do. You deserve happiness and peace.

IcyIssue wrote:

You end it step-by-step. Write down all the things you need to do to end it and then prioritize them in order. The order may shift over time, but you can get them all done. It's harder with a shared home, but at least you're not married and, I assume, no kids.

This behavior will escalate. He's crying that something's wrong with him, hoping you'll stay and try to fix him. He's the only one who can fix himself. Don't fall for it. One time of physical abuse it one time too many. If you give him a second chance, he hears, "I'm okay with you hitting me and calling me ugly names. You can do it again and I'll give you a third chance."

Kintsugiwarrior wrote:

- Word Salad

- Narcissistic rage

- Empathy hijack by playing the victim: this manipulation technique ALWAYS brought me back under control. My ex-husband showed me his broken child, and started crying inconsolably as if someone had died, and that brought me back into the role of caretaking.

Little I knew that was manipulation and a Preventative Hoover. He also threatened with committing s*icide a few times, and that also prevented me from leaving. Research more about their tactics, you'll be able to see with clarity when the spell breaks.

The next day, OP shared another update.

Title: How do I get out?

I’ve (30F) been with my boyfriend (29M) for five years. Over the past three years the relationship has gotten very ugly, I feel like I don’t even know who he is sometimes.

He’s emotionally ab*sive, financially ab*sive, manipulative, and he recently started getting more physically ab*sive. I tried to break up with him over the weekend and he said some horrible things to me and then proceeded to p*nch me, kick my legs, and put an electrical cord around my neck. He said he was just joking and playing around, but it didn’t seem that way.

He said he was just angry and that’s why he did it, but he’s sorry and started crying. I don’t know how to leave him especially since we bought a house together. I feel trapped, scared, and hopeless.

The internet offered sound advice.

Alternative_Area8274 wrote:

You need to contact a domestic hotline and begin making plans ASAP. That man is absolutely dangerous and is very likely to k#ll you. Don't tell him about any of your plans, don't let him see any of it and do it as silently as possible. You also need to document any cuts, marks, or br#ises he has given you and begin to file a police report.

I believe that potential you could get a restraining order and he would have to be removed off the property. I would look into that and potential speak with the bank that you are purchasing the house from. I would also speak with a lawyer. You need to make plans ASAP and get out of there as soon as possible.

OP responded:

Connecting with a domestic hotline now. Not sure what to expect but hoping to get some guidance. Thank you for your support.

irradi wrote:

Please, please leave. Strang*lation of any kind without explicit consent is highly correlated with h*micide. He will almost certainly escalate. He can and most likely will kill you. It’s time to start thinking strategically. Grey rock him; be the wife he wants for a minute, give yourself time to plan. Take pictures of any injuries.

You need to do the following: secure any documents of yours (passport, birth certificate, etc) and a copy of the deed to the house. Find a safe place, ideally not anywhere he would expect you to go. Do you leave the house to go to work? Do that with your documents and a change of clothes, and anything personally valuable to you that you can carry on your person.

Call a lawyer, immediately. Ask them to recommend another firm if they can’t help you immediately. The lawyer will help you manage a) getting the rest of your stuff back and b) communicating with your STBX and c) figuring out the house/divorce/bank accounts. You focus on getting somewhere safe.

He is not going to accept this easily. Do not tell him before leaving. That’s when you’ll be at the most risk. He doesn’t deserve an explanation and he will react badly to it. This is what lawyers are for; use one for all communication after you leave. Maybe ask your local domestic vi*lence shelter if they can recommend a lawyer. Good luck, OP I’m really worried about you.

RiseShineAndFly wrote:

Your life over the house and any material consideration. You will find how to handle those once you are physically safe. Please, leave as soon as you can, surround yourself with family and friends, and never go back to him. Anger should never be an excuse for abu*e.

A week later, OP shared another update.

Title: Can’t even visit with my mom.

He told me I could visit with my mom and he would go run some errands, but I needed to leave when he was on his way home so we would get back at the same time.

It takes me 30 minutes to get to my mom’s house, so that’s an hour of driving time. He finished the errands faster than expected, so I only got to be with my mom for a short time. He was upset that I didn’t leave at the exact time he did…I’m so tired of this.

Texts transcribed: (ab*ser is labeled POS for piece of **t)

POS: Thought you were leaving when I said I was leaving?

OP: Leaving now

POS: Figured you'd do this s*t again

OP: ??

POS: Told you I was leaving an hour ago

OP: I was literally only there for two hours

POS: Yeah remember when I said I was fine with it if you leave when I leave (new text) Must have forgotten?

OP: I didn't realize it was going to be such a short amount of time

POS: Yeah remember when I said I wanted to get this s**t done with so I don't have to bake out in the heat (new text) Must have forgotten that too.

The next day, OP shaed another update.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years and the abuse has gotten progressively worse over the last three years. It started as emotional ab*se and now it’s becoming more physical. I just want to leave, but I don’t know how to go about dealing with the house. Any help would be appreciated.

Commenters jumped in with more advice.

TruthBeTold187 wrote:

I'm glad you’re leaving your abuser, but you couldn’t have decided to do this at a worse time financially . First and foremost: get yourself safe. You need to give more details about the home

Are you on the deed or mortgage? If so, he will have to refinance to get you off the mortgage, and may owe you part of the equity, if there is any. If you’re not on the deed or mortgage. Just walk away. Even if you put money in to secure the home, it’s not worth fighting over it with an ab*sive prick. My .02.

OP responded:

I am on the mortgage and pay the majority of it each month. Would selling the home be an option? I don’t think he could afford it by himself.

TruthBeTold187 responded:

It’s your only other option. Expect to take a hefty loss. You both are also liable for mortgage until it sells.

I would also get an attorney. He may want to keep it and stop paying to screw your credit up to force you into staying with him.

clce wrote:

If your problem is being able to afford living elsewhere, that's one thing. Hopefully you can get to a shelter or get some financial help from a organization.

You can reach out to maybe a crisis center or that kind of thing and see if there's some kind of help to actually leave. If you are worried about leaving just in terms of owning the house, that's not a problem and actually could be a good thing. How much equity do you have in the house? Do you have an idea?

It's the difference between what the house is worth now which you can look up on Zillow more or less, and what you actually owe on the house or paid for the house. If there is not much equity, you might be able to just quit claim it over to him and be done with it, although if you are on the loan, that might be a problem. Your best bet would be to ask him to refinance to get you off the loan.

However, this might be a little bit of a problem because you may have a much lower rate than he can get today, and he might not be able to qualify for a loan if he has to buy it on his own. But this is not your problem. It is his. If that's the case he may just have to sell it. but, you may have to force him to sell it and that might involve having to go to court and get a court order forcing the sale.

Once you leave, he might be mad but he might also want to get your name off the house. But he might not want to pay you for it, even though he should. If you really just want to be done and gone, and there is a decent amount of equity involved, he would probably gladly refinance in order to gain full ownership.

However, if you want to get some money which you are perfectly entitled to and will need to move on with your life most likely, you are going to have to ask him to pay you off. If he doesn't have the money, he can refinance the house and pull cash out if you have enough equity and he can get a loan. Hopefully he can and is willing to.

You might be kind of mad because he will have to refinance into a higher interest rate. But, hopefully he will decide it's in his best interests to do so and pay you off. Or, he might want to just sell the home too in which case you can split any profits after considering how much down payment each of you might have put in etc.

You will have to be prepared for a fight, but perhaps you will get lucky and he will just agree. Part of the fight might be his financial considerations but part of it might be anger and controlling nature so it might be difficult, but you are entitled to money if there is equity in the house so don't be too quick to just abandon that because it is your right.

I'm assuming you are not married. In a divorce, the court would be involved and settle things with the house. But this you will have to do on your own with the help of a lawyer. There maybe no great harm in letting things go for a little while without selling because you will just continue to build equity that you are entitled to half of.

But it really would be best to just settle it so you can have some money. Also you might need to be concerned if he stopped paying the mortgage because that will harm your credit rating and the house could even end up in foreclosure. I hope this helps let you know all the things you need to consider and gives you at least a little road map.

Talk to a lawyer and if you need help, they might be able to help you figure out how much equity you have. You could also talk to a real estate agent. A real estate agent should be glad to help you evaluate what you owe and what the house is worth and they will do it all for free in hopes that if you sell you work with them to sell it. Good luck.

OP responded:

This was extremely helpful. Thank you🩷

A day later, OP shared another update.

Title: I’m leaving him and not saying a word.

I’ve been with my boyfriend for five years and he’s gotten progressively more ab*sive during that time (emotionally, physically, financially). I’m at my breaking point and have a plan to leave.

My dilemma is he’s been acting overly nice for almost two weeks (since the last ab*sive episode), so I feel bad about leaving without any notice or explanation. I appreciate his effort to be nicer to me, but it feels very forced. I’m second guessing myself.

Commenters told OP to stay firm in her decision.

BlueGreen_1956 wrote:

NTA. There is never any need for notice or explanation when breaking up with someone. And if you feel the need for either, here is the way to do it:

Text: This is not working out. I am breaking up with you. Good luck and goodbye."

Then block them from having any way to contact you and change the locks on your door if necessary.

Do NOT meet with them for "closure."

"Closure" is just a b*llsh*t notion that serves no purpose except to give the rejected party one last chance to berate, blame and belittle.

Skip the drama and get on with your life.

Rare-Humor-9192 wrote:

This is why it’s called the “cycle of abuse.” There’s usually a lovey dovey stage after an ab*sive episode to try and keep the victim from leaving the relationship. But he hasn’t changed and you can expect more ab*se, which will surely escalate. Please get out now. And remember, the most dangerous time is when the victim is attempting to leave.

Make a safety plan and make your escape when he’s not home. If you don’t have friends or family who can take you in while you sort things out, contact a local domestic vi*lence organization. Some of them have short/term residential facilities. Best wishes.

A few days later OP shared another update.

Title: I finally left…why do I feel so terrible?

I left my ab*sive boyfriend today without notice, but I feel awful. I know he’s probably upset and that hurts me. Why do I care so much? His mom has been trying to call me and sending me texts about how I blindsided him.

She doesn’t understand what he put me through. No one fully does. I’m at my breaking point. I just want to be free of all of this. When will this get easier?

The internet had OP's back.

fordster2017 wrote:

It will take time for that to go away. I've been gone for about 5 weeks now and I still have some pangs of guilt. But, I know leaving was absolutely the best choice. You'll get there. Stay strong.

OP responded:

Thank you so much. This was helpful to hear🩷

Zealousideal_Bit2489 wrote:

Because you are a nice person and you care. It will get easier and probably faster than you think. No contact is the easiest way to do it. You left that’s the most difficult part over, here’s to your new life 😊. Stay safe ❤️❤️❤️❤️❤️

Windowseat1F wrote:

It takes time. I know how simple and yet impossible that sounds, but it’s really just time that heals. Tell yourself everyday that it will get easier.

A few days later, OP jumped on with another update.

Title: Update to going broke in my current relationship

I posted on here over a month ago about my toxic relationship and I’m so appreciative of the support I received during that time. I figured I would provide an update just letting everyone know as of today I have officially left that relationship.

I moved back in with my parents for the time being, hired a lawyer to help with selling the house, and got a realtor. It has been an extremely difficult process, but I know this is for the best. I can finally start rebuilding myself and my financial situation. Thank you all again for your advice and support.

Four days later, she added yet another update.

Title: Starting over at the age of 30.

Moved back in with my parents after getting out of an ab*sive relationship. Feeling like a failure, but also incredibly grateful for the support of my parents. Looking forward to finding myself again. Choose your partners wisely, everyone.

The support came flowing in.

Successful-Snow-562 wrote:

Girl, you got OUT. Celebrate yourself because you loved yourself enough to leave. I have been there. It gets sooo much better.

OP responded:

Thank you! Have to keep reminding myself of this.

OldSweatyBulbasaur wrote:

I'm starting over at 28, almost 29...sometimes I also feel like a failure but then I remember that long relationships aren't necessarily a measure of success. In fact, leaving an unhealthy one is more success than others usually get and you should feel proud of yourself even when it hurts!

OP responded:

Very true! Thank you💖

titania670 wrote:

I left my husband and marriage after 28 years of marriage, at 48 years old. Still hands down the best decision I have ever made. I got a college degree, I moved across the country, I start my master's program in the fall. I am living my best life and I love it. My only regret is that I didn't do it when I was 30!

mamabubbles84 wrote:

I started over 2 weeks before my 30th birthday. I’m 39 now. It gets better!

OP responded:

Proud of you! This is great to hear🩷🩷

This ended surprisingly positive, given how high the stakes for OP have been.