'AITA for refusing to be a part of my brother's wedding because he's making our family pay for it, but doesn't want to include us?' UPDATED x2

blanccosmic writes:

I'm a 30F with seven younger siblings: a 25M, a 21M, and girls aged 22, 20, 18, and twins who are 17. Our large family is close-knit. We've been through a lot together: strife, arguments, but we've overcome them all. Others around us look to us as an example of how close siblings and parents should be. We're also big on tradition and our culture.

My brother, Mark, 25M, was the cheapest sibling among us. He would always ask for money from our parents and us. God knows what he would spend it on, since he kept coming back to ask for more. He never contributed anything to the household, not even to buy groceries. Really selfish.

Last year, Mark got engaged. The date for the wedding was set for May. We were all so excited to be a part of the wedding. We joked about attire, the playlist for the reception, etc.

He asked our parents for help paying for the wedding. They agreed to pay more than half of the price since it would be the first wedding in the household. (We later learned that he dropped at least $8,000 of his own money into the wedding. Turns out he wasn't as broke as we thought.)

One day, we all sat down to talk about wedding plans. As we were joking around, Mark gave us a list of things that would be done for the wedding. He started mentioning catering, venue, colors, pretty tame overall. We nodded in agreement since everything seemed normal.

Then, he told us that Olive, his fiancée, already picked out and purchased a dress. We as a family didn't see the dress (and still don't know what it looks like to this day) and weren't there with her to try dresses on. We missed that moment with her.

The women of the family, including my mother, were bummed that we weren't there for the dress fitting, but we assured ourselves that whatever dress was picked was perfect. It was their wedding, after all, so it shouldn't be too bad, right?

Mark continued to list off more things about the wedding that he finalized. The venue he chose was a four-hour drive, several states from our hometown, somewhere we've never been. The officiator was someone we didn't know. (He didn't know him either.)

The list of things that were set grew and grew. We were more and more troubled. Then, Mark dropped the bombshell: "OP, you and your partner will be in the bridal party." Sam, my other brother, was also in the party.

We asked, "What about your other sisters?" "Oh, they're just gonna be in the reception part." "Why aren't they going to be in the main wedding?" "That's a decision I'm making."

"What is the actual reason? Why exclude your siblings from the white wedding?""I saw someone else do that at their wedding. Figured I could do that, too."

We were shocked, unsatisfied with his answer. I was in the wedding with my other brother, but not any of the girls? The rest of the family was visibly upset. Where did this come from? I’m standing up for my siblings. Yes, it’s his wedding, but if my siblings won’t be a part of it, I won’t be either. I would include my own family at my wedding. Am I wrong for that?

OP provided an update:

I would like to offer some clarity not to justify myself, but to explain the culture behind everything and why we're upset. In my culture, it is custom for the family of the man to plan and run the wedding.

All members of the immediate family are involved in major roles, including the siblings. This is true for all male children. If any members of the family are excluded, it is a sign of animosity or hatred; excluding family members from the wedding party is like a middle finger to them.

There has never been a wedding in our extended family where none of the siblings or parents were involved unless there was some sort of malice behind it. My parents' wedding anniversary included all my siblings and myself in the bridal party. All the cousins we have got married with their families, even travelling and paying for everyone to fly to another country to attend and participate in the ceremony.

Excluding the younger girls would send a message to the rest of the extended family that there is something wrong between all of us. From my observation, I haven't seen anything happening between Mark and the other girls.

We all get along just fine--we even live in the same house together. This is why we were insistent on the reason behind why he wasn't including the rest of the girls. It goes against our tradition, and we see it as a sign of resent

OP provided another update:

Turns out, he lied. He did not contribute a single cent to the wedding. Not for the venue, not for the catering, not for the DJ, nothing. In fact, my mother, Carol, paid for most of it, while the future in-laws paid for half of the venue he claimed he paid for.

Carol funded the clothes, the food, the Emcee, 75% of the venue, and is still pouring thousands of dollars into the wedding for more things. Mark is insisting on demanding more things for the wedding, which includes excluding some of our family from the wedding party.

Meanwhile, he's not paying for the party's dresses or suits. Once again, he is expecting the rest of us to foot the bill while he sits back and doesn't plan his own wedding. He won't let Carol invite people she wants to (even though she's paying and her guests wouldn't break capacity).

Carol can't take anymore. She's stressed having to do this herself. I've seen her and my father cry out to him. It doesn't even seem worth it anymore. AITA?

Here are the top comments:

antizana says:

YTA / ESH (Except Mark) (You're the A^&#ole/Everyone Sucks Here). The fact that your mom’s paying doesn’t mean that she gets to make all the choices. If her love and support are conditioned on getting her way, she shouldn’t have offered - she’s just loansharking.

If your brother isn’t so close to your siblings he shouldn’t have to include them in his party. He may have other people he wants to include and you are certainly a lot of siblings - and acting awfully entitled. Same goes for your mum inviting her friends - the party is not about her, why is that hard to understand?

It’s Mark’s wedding. He and his future spouse should invite whom they want, should have the parties they want, and if your mum & siblings can’t handle this not being about them, they need a reality check. It’s sad how transactional you all are.

OP responded:

My mother is paying for more than half of the venue and everything else in the wedding. She and Mark made a list of people who were to be included in the wedding, including people she wanted to invite that were approved by the two of them, and he is now deciding to take back his word.

The in-laws are being treated with priority and everyone on that side is being catered to and invited, meanwhile we’re being left behind? Mark lied about paying for things. He lied about the invite list. He lied about the venue.

MaddyKet asks:

I need clarification, are the other siblings invited to the wedding and just not in the wedding party or not invited at all?

OP responded:

All the siblings were invited, but at first, my brother purposely left them out of the wedding party. It took his fiancée and other members of the wedding party to let the rest of the sibs be in the wedding in that regard. There was room for all of us (and the clothes for the party are being funded by my mother), but he decided not to include us initially.

What do you think? Is OP right to not be a part of the wedding?