'I'm having trouble deciding if I was cheated on by my girlfriend.'

"Having trouble deciding if I(33M) was cheated on by my girlfriend(34F)."

My girlfriend and I had a argument one night and the next day she was on a work shift for 3 days. I could tell certain little things did not add up which led to me confronting her.

She lied and lied continuously ALL NIGHT and even tried to insinuate that I was going crazy until eventually when I gave her a safe "out" and said something like "but I could understand if you lied because we got in an argument and I would understand if you needed space."

Then finally she admitted that yes she lied to me about going to work because she wanted space. She is a flight attendant so she had to use her FMLA which she only can use once a month to call out of work.

She said that she ran errands, hung out with a couple whom I've met, and took a train into the city to see an old friend to get her Macbook fixed.

Most of her guy friends are past hookups so I asked about the old friend and it was a dude I never heard her mention before.

She initiated contact with him, and her text convo was like this:

Her: Are you free the next few days?

Him: Maybe why?

Her: I'm sad.

Him: Hmm gimmie the context

Her: But I'm just sad. He was the closest I was looking for in a relationship. But sigh, I cant. Anyway what you up to the next couple of days we can hang out or get coffee

Him: right but what time?

It sounds like she made it seem like we broke up! it also looks like a text was deleted before the "but I'm just sad" text because she started a sentence with "but" and referred to me as "he" without any context. It's so suspicious that she initiated contact and first thing she tells him is insinuating that we broke up when we didn't?

It also seems like he is a previous f-buddy and thats why he immediately was like "right what time?", because he knows his role and just wants to talk about logistics like when we meeting up. When I bring this up to her she just denies denies denies and said she was just emotionally venting.

Her chat history with him was deleted and it said she blocked him on December 26th and un-blocked him on December 28th. What's strange is that Dec25th was the day she made our 1 year relationship official on instagram so I am wondering if there is a connection? Her excuse was that he made fun of our matching pajamas.

Also she never wanted to make our relationship public there was always an excuse, I had to practically beg her to make that insta post. Any "insta story" with us was always a "close friend" story and never fully public so to me it was a big deal when she made an actual post of us together.

The Instagram picture post of us is still up to this day so that guy would have seen it. They also have disappearing messages turned on to expire after 24hours. Which further makes me think this dude is just a f-buddy she goes to whenever she feels like it and he accepts his role.

Her excuse was hes just an old friend and she wanted to get her macbook fixed because he gave it to her and he had to get the admin password reset which he did not remember, I read their entire text convo and NOWHERE did they talk about a Macbook. The only reasons I have doubt that she cheated is because:

She admitted she went to see this guy when she really didn't have to, I never would have guessed

Her laptop being broken was a topic of discussion in the past and that an old friend gave it to her

She showed me the text messages. (even though she technically had a 30second window to delete some texts if she wanted to, I have no idea if she did though), and there is literally nothing else suspicious about her text convo, they just talked like friends and the guy even sent her a screenshot of a girl he was talking to on a dating app and went on a date with.

After a couple days I reached out to the guy and he never got back to me, but he told my girlfriend. I spent a few hours one day with her, no drama, and I finally asked her about the guy again because I still had some questions and thats when she started packing up her crap from my place and saying that contacting the guy without her consent was crossing a line.

That she wants to break up and after we went back and forth she said she will stay but that I can't keep talking about the guy and accusing me of "you'll never believe me or forgive me so whats the point." She wouldn't even show me the texts of the guy telling her I contacted him which I think is suspicious because she showed me the other texts before so why not now?

Also why did she wait until I brought up the guy to have this grandiose reaction? She had all day to have that reaction but it seemed like it was "staged" and waiting for me whenever I brought him up. I feel like I am being manipulated like shouldn't she WANT to give me reassurance since I am in the middle of a trust crisis instead of denying me transparency?

Am I being totally messed with? I laid it all out so anyone could help me decide I am not crazy in thinking this is all sketchy? Am I overthinking some of these things? I know that I should break up with her because I shouldn't be under so much stress its just I really wish I had CONCRETE PROOF ya know?

Here's what people had to say to OP:

fried-apple-fritters wrote:

"Its just I really wish I had CONCRETE PROOF ya know?"

What kind of concrete proof do you need exactly? Do you need to see PIV? You're being completely blinded and suffocated by smoke and asking if the fire is real. Get your head out of your a$$.

OP responded:

The only reason I am conflicted is because she told me about this guy when she did not have to, I never would have known or guessed.

broncogirl33 wrote:

Who are you trying to convince? Us or yourself bc it’s pretty clear that she cheated but even if she didn’t physically sleep with the guy, she’s disrespecting you and messing with your head. There’s many levels of cheating- you get to decide where to draw the line.

Lambsenglish wrote:

Sorry bro, I ain’t reading all that, but I don’t need to either. What are you doing here? Nobody here has any more information than you, plus this is Reddit - it’s absolutely jam packed with dudes who think women can’t have male friends, or don’t trust a woman whose location isn’t on, or who have otherwise been burned before and are now too scared to ever trust a woman again.

They’re ask gonna say she cheated. You have to decide what to do based on what you know. You can’t crowd-source a crystal ball. If all you ever knew about this was what you know today, would you stay or would you go?

T00narmy1 wrote:

IMO it IS cheating to say you are single and try to meet up with an old flame or whatever. But really, it's besides the point, because she's already proven to you that she will lie, repeatedly, to your FACE, in order to avoid facing consequences.

That's not a partner who you can build a healthy relationship with, at all. I don't date liars, and I wouldn't tolerate a partner who lies to me with ease, period. That's the main thing you should focus on. The whole cheating thing is just like more confirmation.

Even if she didn't "cheat" by your definition, she was shady, she lied, she met up with someone else, she acted like you're no longer together...I mean, what else do you need? Anyone like this, who will seek out other male attention the MINUTE she's upset with you, is not someone who you can trust/be with in the long term.

Personally it wouldn't matter to me what happened or didn't happen with this guy. What matters is that she lied, and that she didn't take "space" - she specifically sought out attention from another male and lied to you about it. Find someone who respects you more.