'AITA for making my stepdad cry when I told him we didn't choose him mom did?'
"AITA for making my stepdad cry when I told him we didn't choose him mom did?"
My parents have been divorced since I (17F) was a baby. They had me and my two older brothers (19M and 22M) together. Custody was split equally, and we moved from Mom’s house to Dad’s house every week. When I was 4, my mom met my stepdad. She introduced him to me and my brothers when we were 6, 8, and 11.
Things got awkward after that. My stepdad (before he was my stepdad) would come to my brothers’ football games or my school plays, and he would act strange when he saw my dad. I remember running to my dad after my school’s talent show where I won, and my stepdad intercepted me and picked me up to hug me.
When I didn’t hug him back, he said he wanted a hug from “his girl.” I said I wanted my dad, and he looked annoyed that my dad was there at all. I hadn’t known him that long, maybe five months at most, so it was weird.
I used to hold Dad’s hand a lot back then, and every time one of my brothers had a game during Dad’s parenting time, my stepdad would get this furious look when I held Dad’s hand. A few times, he tried to do the same, but I pulled away.
One incident happened just before my mom and stepdad got married. He called me and my brothers his and Mom’s kids. My dad rolled his eyes but didn’t argue, and my stepdad accused him of being disrespectful and dismissing his role in front of us. My dad told him we didn’t stop being his and Mom’s kids just because she’d moved on. My stepdad called him a jerk for “pushing him out.”
Father’s Day activities were awkward because my stepdad wanted to do them all, but we just wanted to celebrate with our dad. My mom told us we should do something with our stepdad because he loved us and showed up for us. So we reluctantly did one thing a year with him. But then he would look at Dad’s social media and see that we did much more with him.
One time close to Father’s Day, my grandparents took us all out for the day, and my stepdad saw my grandma take me to buy something for Dad. He assumed it was for him, and I guess he got upset on Father’s Day when he saw Dad post it online.
When I was 10, my mom ended up in the hospital for over a month with the flu and another infection. My stepdad wanted to take over Mom’s custody, but Dad said no and told him we weren’t his kids, so he didn’t get to keep us in Mom’s place. We didn’t try to go with him either, and my stepdad blamed my dad, saying he had poisoned our minds against him.
After that, my stepdad became more aggressive about trying to be the other dad. He insisted on doing professional family portraits and tried to position me and my brothers around him instead of equally close to him and Mom. He insisted on birthday parties at Mom’s house being family events and invited all his relatives.
He started signing cards to us as “Dad.” My oldest brother said he even scratched out his name in cards we gave him and wrote “Dad” instead. He made my brothers play tennis with him and insisted on being their trainer. He tried to make me do father-daughter dances with him, but I refused and always found ways out of it.
We talked to Mom several times about how uncomfortable it all made us. Mom would always say we should cut him some slack and try harder to appreciate him because he felt left out. She told my brothers they were rude to him and said that wasn’t okay.
She told me I could be blessed with two dads if I gave it a chance. I told her that if he had his way, I’d only have him, and she said I didn’t have to let that happen but should see his behavior as a sign of love.
Even after he and Mom had my two half-brothers together, nothing changed. All of this is why I chose to live with my dad when I turned 16. I go to Mom’s house for a few hours every month, but I don’t sleep there anymore.
I also don’t stay long if things start to feel uncomfortable. That happened last week. My stepdad brought up how he felt ignored and unappreciated by me and my brothers, and how my decision to live with Dad hurt him. Then he said you’d think we would be more loving toward the person we “chose” to add to the family.
I said, “No, Mom chose you, not us.” That’s when he started crying and told me I really wanted to crush his spirit by saying that. He said he didn’t know what he’d done to make me hate him so much. My mom was angry that I said it and made him cry. I left, and I didn’t apologize. I don’t regret it because it’s true. We didn’t choose him.
Mom has been texting me a lot, saying I should apologize and make more of an effort because it’s not fair that he keeps trying and we don’t reciprocate. Does what I said make me the jerk?
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Kyra_Heiker says:
That man is absolutely unhinged and you should tell him exactly why you cannot stand to be around him. It is his own damn fault for trying to take the place of your own actual father when your father was there all along. He has mental problems and you don't owe him a damn thing.
OP responded:
He doesn't really listen to us. That's what him doing the same thing over and over again has taught me.
GardenHobbit says:
NTA. I’ll bet your mom‘s tone would entirely change about this type of behavior if it was the shoe on the other foot. She would be losing her ever loving mind if your dad had remarried and your new stepmom was behaving like this. Your stepdad‘s behavior is weird and creepy. He needs therapy.
OP responded:
My mom would be in prison right now if the role reversed. She would not let someone try to become our new mom. I'm not even joking.