'I'm Marrying My Best Friend's Sister's Soul Mate. AITA?'
"I'm Marrying My Best Friend's Sister's Soul Mate. AITA?"
DahliaDarkoo
I need some advice on a major personal decision I'm facing. I'm a 28-year-old woman, and I'm currently engaged to a wonderful man. However, there's a complication involving my best friend's (29F) sister (25F), who has had a crush on my fiancé for a while.
A bit of background: I lived on the other side of the country for a few years due to work, but I recently got laid off and moved back home. Since returning, I've been reconnecting with old friends in my religious community.
To my surprise, a man (26M) from the community contacted me because he was interested in me. This was unexpected because, while I'm not unattractive, I don't fit the standard of beauty in my faith community.
I'm West African, I don't observe religious dressing, and I'm autistic, among other things. These aspects of myself don't bother me, but they make me stand out or blend into the background, depending on the situation.
Given this context, I was shocked that someone was interested in me, especially someone as kind and sweet (and popular, the man is attractive) as my fiancé. However, I'm unsure if I'm truly in love with him since we’ve known each other for 8 months and I don't know if "love" is the right word.
Yesterday, my best friend invited me over and had a very unusual conversation with me. When I arrived at her house, everyone was home including her little sister and we had this conversation in the lounge, so it wasn't exactly private.
She suggested that, based on her understanding of my personality and how autism might affect my capacity for physical intimacy (I cannot stress enough how embarrassing it feels to type this out loud, I don’t know how I didn’t pass out yesterday), my fiancé might be tempted to cheat in the future.
She believes it would be better for everyone involved, including myself, to consider preserving our spiritual well-being. Her sister has been in love with my fiancé for years, and my friend asked me to consider stepping aside or allowing him to have a second wife.
She also mentioned that "they make a really cute couple" and that "his family and mine are more culturally similar too," which I now realize was quite upsetting to hear. I'm not even the first wife yet.
In so many words, she said I would be the asshole for keeping them apart. She spoke about them like they're star-crossed lovers and it was really hard to hear. I didn't know anything about this since I just got back in town and he reached out to get to know me for marriage 6 months ago.
I still don't know what the context of their relationship is since they couldn't have been in a dating type of relationship. I didn't have much of a reaction to this conversation, as I generally have a calm demeanor but I do think my feelings were hurt (some call it a flat affect, but I see it as built-in armor).
I spoke to a new friend outside of my religious community and she said it was and I quote: “Extremely fucking weird and kinda bitchy”. I can’t reconcile that assessment with the actions of a person I’ve known since I was 14.
I'm feeling very conflicted and would appreciate any perspectives on this situation. On the one hand, I like my fiancé very much and he hasn’t indicated that he would want a second wife or a wife who is not me or anything like that.
He’s currently out of the country on a volunteer mission and isn’t easy to get a hold of, let alone have a long conversation with, at this time. I don’t think I want to let him go but my friend is right that having her sister as a wife would probably be easier for him socially and in terms of the kind of wife I can be. WIBTA to marry him?
Here were the top rated comments from readers in response to the OP's post:
lifehappenedwhatnow
For context, what they did was ambush you and tell you that you aren't good enough and you should give a person who has autonomy to her sister because her sister is better than you. She is not your friend, and they all suck. Talk to your fiance about this ambush. I hope he's as offended for you as I am and as you should be.
The OP responded here:
DahliaDarkoo
Thanks for pointing out the autonomy part, you’re right that he’s a human being and not a toy to give away. What do you mean by ambush?
CriticalSimple3122
Your friend and her sister are overlooking the fact that this man is a person with a mind of his own. If he wanted to marry this sister at any point, he could have tried to make it happen. He hasn't done that.
Choice-Intention-926
This woman is not your friend. Because of your autism you’ve missed the nuance of what has happened. She told you: She will support her sister trying to steal your man and cheating with him if you refuse to let her have him. She told you, you are not good enough for the person who has chosen to be with you and that her sister is better.
What you need to keep in mind is he does not want her. The fact that they are willing to go to these lengths means she has already approached him, and been rejected. It also means she will continue to pursue your fiance even when he becomes your husband. She will pursue him for years until she can finally break him down.
You need to have a frank conversation with your fiance about your expectations in marriage and whether or not you are amenable to having plural marriage. If you are not be very clear that you will leave even if there are children involved.
Be clear that do not want him to have any relationship with this person or her family not even a civil one, and you cut ties with them as well. These people are presumptuous and rude and if you ever let her be a second wife she will make your life absolutely miserable.