"AITA for not longer doing anything for my husband?"
My husband and I have been together for 9 years now and yes, we are currently in marriage therapy and have been for roughly 7 months, though admittedly, I am considering canceling future sessions. We have a 2 year old together, no other kids. Our relationship prior to our baby was a happy one.
So, when our child was around 2.5 weeks old, I was diagnosed with PPD. I honestly think I was simply struggling with being alone more than anything. We moved away from my mother when our baby was only a day old (he basically said, “Oh, I found us an apartment, we move in today,” as we were staying in my mom’s basement apartment to save to buy a home, and this was 100% sprung on me with no discussion).
And he only took 2 days off work. So basically, the first couple weeks of our child’s life, I was isolated in an apartment, in unfamiliar territory, with a brand new baby and surrounded by boxes of our stuff. He left for work at 5 a.m. and often didn’t come home until after 5 p.m.
I was terrified and irritable, and instead of seeing it for what it was (despite me literally telling him what was wrong), he ultimately decided he couldn’t handle my “anger” and started hanging out with his buddies outside our apartment complex for a few hours at least every single night. It was a VERY telling time in our relationship, where he basically abandoned me.
He loved our child and did everything when he was home, but the problem was that he hardly ever was home. Eventually, I turned ice cold, which is the only way I know how to put it. I stopped caring that he wasn’t home, and I worked through my PPD essentially alone. He tried smartening up once I was better.
The damage was already done. He suggested therapy, and I agreed. In essence, a lot feels better. I started feeling like I actually loved him again. He started taking accountability for everything he did and did everything he could to make it up to me. So, things were going well.
But that leads us to this issue. I am technically a SAHM, but I also own an online shop and bring in around $900 a month. It’s not much, but I only spend maybe 2 hours a day on my business, and the rest of my time is dedicated to our child.
I buy all home necessities, he pays the bills, and for literal months he has told me that he prefers this and that even the little bit I bring in helps him “tremendously” and that he enjoys our arrangement. I now realize he was lying.
He picked a fight with me a week ago. He had the day off, and I told him I was leaving the baby with him while I went grocery shopping because the baby is sick. He acted totally fine with it. By the time I got home 2.5 hours later, he was livid.
He was trying to play some game with his online buddies, and our baby was not having it. As stated, they are sick. So my husband is getting irritated because he is being interrupted and the baby is screaming into his microphone.
I get the baby calmed down, put away the groceries, and then take a seat on the couch. My husband looks at me, and I kind of chuckle and say, “I am glad you see what I go through every day.” He goes, “What do you mean?” So I told him that he tells me I take this (SAHM) for granted and that he would love to stay home.
He SNAPPED. He said the difference between me and him is that he “actually works” and never gets a break, that I “don’t want to work,” and if I did, I would find a real job so he wouldn’t have to work so much. I asked him when do I ever get a break (this is literally the FIRST time I have ever been away from our child).
He goes, “You get a break every single time you take a nap with them,” and made some comment about laziness. Our son has quite literally not taken a nap in damn near 3 months, and even when he did take a nap prior, I stayed awake and worked on my business.
I do not nap. So I told him that, and he immediately tells me that that is a “crock” Keep in mind, he was on his microphone the entire time, so all his friends heard this. I didn’t argue further, but I took my ring off. After that, I stopped doing all his laundry.
I stopped plating his dinner and just left his food in the pots, pans, and Tupperware with the rest of the leftovers. I no longer prep the coffee pot in the morning to brew at 5 a.m. for him. I stopped sending him update texts throughout the day.
I stopped sending him daily pictures of our child. I stopped cleaning up after him, which means all his plates are still on the counters, all his dirty clothing is strewn throughout the home, and his desk has 4 dirty cups and snack wrappers.
He has made comments a few times throughout the week saying, “This house is ALWAYS trashed.” I ignore it. Not all of it is his mess, but about 90% of it is. I simply stopped putting the baby’s toys away every time he gets done playing, so there are toys everywhere too.
Yesterday, he came home and I was already in bed with the baby and didn’t greet him. He ends up picking up some of his garbage and comes in to say we need to talk and that this is being pushed too far and that “obviously he didn’t mean it, he was just stressed out because he had dealt with the baby screaming for 2.5 hours straight.”
I told him the damage was already done, especially considering he was a POS for over a year, not even 7 months ago. He didn’t get to bounce back to being a POS that quickly when what he did before is still etched heavily in my head.
And that no, I won’t get over his comments, and I don’t even know if I want to continue this marriage. He said everything he said isn’t enough to warrant a divorce and that he is sorry. I don’t even want to look at him, though.
Here's what people had to say to OP:
Wild-Lunch-5475 says:
NTA. He doesn’t get to belittle what you do all day, snap at you in front of his friends, and then expect you to keep picking up after him like nothing happened. Being a SAHM is work, and the fact that you also bring in income makes his comments even worse. You didn’t yell, you didn’t escalate, you just stopped doing extras for someone who openly disrespected you. That’s a consequence, not punishment.
sweet_feline_dream says:
NTA. He abandoned you during PPD and now devalues your labor. You’re protecting your peace. his “stress” doesn’t excuse his cruelty.
ThisWeekInTheRegency says:
Once you feel like that about someone, it's very hard to come back from it. Time to maybe go back to your mother's basement. You get no support or love or kindness from this man, and that's not a marriage. NTA.
Decent-Pause-2019 says:
NTA. He doesn’t get to tell you if what he’s done and said warrants divorce. That’s for you to decide. He’s only sorry now because he’s suffering the consequences of his own actions.